Relationships don’t exist in a vacuum. They exist between two emotional human beings who bring their own past experiences, history, and expectations into it. Two different people also have different levels of skill when it comes to communication. But better communication, because it is a skill, can also be learned.
众所周知，没有什么东西会凭空出现，人际关系当然也不例外。经常，在交往过程中，涉及的双方都是有情感的活生生的人，会带着自己的过去以及对未来的期望。处于不同的交流层次虽然是难以避免的，然而沟通确实存在一些使之更为有效的技巧，而且是任何人都能学会的。
The most popular myth about communication in relationships is that since you talk to your partner, you’re automatically communicating. While talking to your partner is indeed a form of communication, if it’s primarily about everyday, “surfacey” topics (“How were the kids?” “How was work?” “How’s your mother?”), you’re not really communicating about the important stuff. This article is primarily about how to talk in a more open and rewarding manner with your significant other.
人际交往中最常见的一个迷是在你开口讲话的一瞬间，交流就已经自动开始了。但是，虽然谈话确实是交流的一种形式，日常生活中的一些“肤浅”对话（例如“孩子们怎么样?””工作如何？”“令堂还好吗？”）却不能称之为交流，因为这些话语交换并不涉及重要信息的传递。在这篇文章中我将就如何更能敞开了、并有所得地与重要的对象就行交流写一些看法。
Communication either makes or breaks most relationships. You can improve your relationship today, right now, by putting into practice some of these tips for improving the communication in your relationship.
交流可以建立关系当然也能破坏关系。但是如果你能在实际交往中运用下述的一些技巧，你将看到自己的人际交往发生神奇的改变。
1. Stop and listen.
一、平静下来
How many times have you heard someone say this or read this in an article about communication skills? How hard is it to actually do when you’re “in the moment?” Harder than it sounds. When we’re knee deep within a serious discussion or argument with our significant other, it’s hard to put aside our point for the moment and just listen. We’re often so afraid of not being heard, we rush to keep talking. Ironically, such behavior makes it all the more likely we won’t be heard.
也许你已经听说过很多，并且自己也在杂志上看到过很多关于如何沟通的问题，然而每一次当自己正处于沟通之中的时候，总发现看似简单的每一条要做到都是那么难。特别是与重要对象深陷严肃问题的争论泥潭时，把自己的观点搁置一边来聆听对方听起来近乎天方夜谭。我们总是担心自己不能被理解，迫不及待的倾倒自己的主张，却忽略了一个有点讽刺意味的事实——这样的行为往往只会适得其反。
2. Force yourself to hear.
二、逼迫自己去聆听
You’ve stopped talking for the moment, but your head is still swirling with all of the things you want to say, so you’re still not really hearing what is being said. Laugh all you want, but therapists have a technique that works very well that “forces” them to really hear what a client tells them — rephrasing what a person has just said to them (called “reflection”).
现在你已经停止讲话了，但是你的头脑中仍然充满自己的想说的一切，因此根本不会真的去听对方说什么。此时的建议是：重复对方的话。尽管笑吧，但咨询专家们确实是用这种方式来强迫自己聆听来访者的述说，而且非常有效。这一招叫做“映像”。
This may upset a partner if you do it too much, or do it in a tone that suggests you’re mocking rather than trying to seriously listen. So use the technique sparingly, and let your partner know why you’re doing it if they ask — “Sometimes I don’t think I’m getting what you’re telling me, and doing this lets me slow my mind down a bit and really try and hear what you’re saying.”
需要注意的是这一招用太多很有可能激怒对方，尤其是你的语气听起来更像嘲笑的时候。因此，尽量谨慎使用“映像法”吧。并且最好能向你的朋友解释，这样做只是为让自己头脑慢下来以更清楚地听清他在说什么。
3. Be open and honest with your partner.
三、开诚布公
Some people have never been very open to others in their life. Heck, some people might not even know themselves, or know much about their own real needs and desires. But to be in a relationship is to take a step toward opening up your life and opening up yourself.
我们中的很多人总是无法对别人完全放开，这样不仅无法真正认识自我，甚至连自己究竟需要什么都不知道。而建立一段关系则需要破除藩篱，放开自己。
Little lies turn into big lies. Hiding your emotions behind a cloak of invincibility might work for you, but won’t work for most others. Pretending everything is alright isn’t alright. And giving your partner the silent treatment is about as useful as a fish with a bicycle. In the desert. At night. These things may have “worked” for you in the past, but they are all barriers to good communication.
小谎言的慢慢积累也许就是弥天大错。遇事始终保持强硬的姿态也许会让你好受点，但是对于大多数别的人则不然。总是幻想一切都OK也不是真的OK，沉默起不到任何作用。这就像在沙漠中的时候，曾经对你有用的东西却成了障碍，同理在交流中也有很多类似的状况。
Being open means talking about things you may have never talked about with another human being before in your life. It means being vulnerable and honest with your partner, completely and unabashedly. It means opening yourself up to possible hurt and disappointment. But it also means opening yourself up to the full potential of all a relationship can be.
放得开，就是能谈论一些此前在你一生中都从来没有与人交谈过的事物。不要害羞，害怕露出自己的脆弱的一面，要尽量做到真诚和毫无保留。这可能你必须直面某种痛苦和失望，但同时也意味着一段潜在新关系的开始。
4. Pay attention to nonverbal signals.
四、注意肢体语言
Most of our communication with one another in any friendship or relationship isn’t what we say, but how we say it. Nonverbal communication is your body language, the tone of your voice, its inflection, eye contact, and how far away you are when you talk to someone else. Learning to communicate better means that you need to learn how to read these signals as well as hear what the other person is saying. Reading your partner’s nonverbal signals takes time and patience, but the more you do it, the more attuned you will be to what they’re really saying, such as:
交流的重点常常不是我们说了什么，而是说的方式。非语言性的交流，即肢体语言，比如语气、对方的反应、眼神交流以及你们之间的距离等等至关重要。在听对方说话的同时，要能读懂这些信号。当然这需要时间和耐心来协调。下面是几点小总结：
•Folded arms in front of a person may mean they’re feeling defensive or closed off.
1、抱臂。可能是对方传递受到了侵犯的信号，或者不想继续的暗示。
•Lack of eye contact may mean they’re not really interested in what you’re saying, are ashamed of something, or find it difficult to talk about something.
2、缺乏眼神交流。一般说明对方对所谈论话题不感兴趣。这可能是出于对某些内容的尴尬回避，或者不知道如何继续话题。
•Louder, more aggressive tone may mean the person is escalating the discussion and is becoming very emotionally involved. It might also suggest they feel like they’re not being heard or understood.
3、加大音量。这种听起来更具有侵略性的语气提示着说话者已经完全投入话题中，情绪激动。当然也可能是他们感觉自己没有受到重视，讲的话没有人听。
•Someone who’s turned away from you when talking to you may mean disinterest or being closed off.
4、转身。若对方在你说话的时候转身，则说明他不感兴趣想立即停止谈话。
All the while you’re reading your partner’s nonverbal signals, be aware of your own. Make and maintain eye contact, keep a neutral body stance and tone to your voice, and sit next to the person when you’re talking to them.
注意，留心对方谈话中这些小动作的同时，也应该注意自己。保持眼神交流，选择合适的身体距离和语气，并且坐到谈话对象的旁边去，都是必要的。
5. Stay focused in the here and now.
五、就事论事
Sometimes discussions turn into arguments, that can then morph into a discussion about everything and the kitchen sink. To be respectful of one another and the relationship, you should try and keep the discussion (or argument) focused to the topic at hand. While it’s easy to get in the cheap shots or bring up everything that an argument seems to call for, just don’t. If the argument is ostensibly about who’s making dinner tonight, keep it that topic. Don’t veer off down the country road of who does what in the house, who’s responsible for child rearing, and by the way, who cleans the kitchen sink.
有时争吵的发生会波及一切不相干的事。在一段关系中能做到尊重，意味着要尽其所能地就事论事。尽管翻出很多鸡毛蒜皮的往事似乎能让你占上风，但是千万不要。如果争吵内容是今晚该谁做饭，就讨论谁该做饭这一个问题。千万不要突然转到谁在这个家里做了什么，比如小孩谁来带，厨房水池该谁洗。
Arguments that do veer off tend to escalate and grow larger and larger. One party needs to make an effort at that point to try and de-escalate the argument, even if it means walking away from it, literally. But do so as respectfully as possible, saying something like, “Look, I can see this isn’t going to get any better by discussing it tonight. Let’s sleep on it and try talking about it with fresh eyes in the morning, okay?”
争吵确实很容易突然失去控制，转向其他的东西而愈演愈烈。其中一方应该尽量遏制其发展，这时候应该走开。但为了避免误会这时一定要显示出你的尊重。比如你可以这样说：“听着，今晚再这样吵下去不会有任何结果。我们休息吧，也许明早醒来头脑比较清楚了再来谈论会比较好，行吗？
6. Try to minimize emotion when talking about important, big decisions.
六、在谈论重大议题时尽量控制住情绪
Nobody can talk about important, big matters if they feel emotionally vulnerable or charged-up and angry. Those are not the times to talk about the serious issues (like money, getting married, the kids, or retirement). You might think it impossible, nonsensical or even contradictory to talk about an emotional topic like getting married or having children without emotion. And yet, these discussions need to keep a foothold of rationality to them in order to not gloss over the realities that they bring. Marriage, for instance, brings the combining of households and living with another person day-to-day. Having kids isn’t just about cute toddler clothes and painting the nursery, but talking about who’s going to change diapers, feed the newborn, and be available at all hours of the day and night for months on end.
正值情绪低落、紧张或者愤怒的时候没有人能讨论重大事情。那不是讨论钱、结婚、小孩和退休这样大事的时间。也许你认为，不带感情地讨论像结婚、生孩子这样的问题很滑稽、矛盾，几乎不可能。然而这些议题需要一个理性的立足点来让人们认清一些事实。就拿婚姻来说吧。结婚意味着两组家庭的结合，让两个人开始朝夕相处。生孩子不是仅仅考虑买各种可爱的童装以及如何打扮漂亮的婴儿房的问题，还必须商量好应该谁给孩子换尿布、喂食。当然还有在接连几个月的婴儿期内谁要24小时待命，随叫随到。
7. Be ready to cede an argument.
七、做好放弃的准备
How many times do we continue to argue or have a heated discussion because we simply want to be “right.” I’ve talked about this sense of needing to “win” arguments more than once. Why? Because so many of couples’ arguments revolve around one party thinking they’re “right” and the other party not willing to cede the point or back off. In fact, though, both parties need to back off.
多少次我们持续争吵、激烈争论是因为想证明自己是对的？此前我不止一次地谈论过这种“想赢”的心理。这是为什么呢？很多对夫妻吵架，都是围绕着一方认为自己正确无误而另一方也坚持己见不肯后退而产生的。事实上，两方都应该后退一步。
By doing this, are you giving up a piece of yourself by compromising and not insisting on how right you are? Well, that’s something only you can decide. Would you rather be in a happy relationship where you respect the other person, even if you may occasionally disagree with them? Or would you rather be in an unhappy relationship where you know you’re always right, no matter what? It just comes down to your priorities — if being “right” is more important to you than your partner’s happiness, then perhaps you have not found the right partner.
这样的妥协表示你不再固执地认为自己一味正确，这也是这种情况下你唯一能决定的。你是愿意尽管时有不合但是仍然拥有一段美好的关系呢，还是即使把相处弄得糟糕也要坚持自己的观点？这归根结底在于你如何看待优越感。如果“正确”对你来说比另一方的快乐更重要的话，或许对方不是你的良人。
8. Humor and playfulness usually help.
八、幽默和嬉笑来帮忙
You don’t have to be funny in order to use humor and playfulness in everyday conversations. You just need to use the sense of humor you do have and try and inject it into more of your communications with your partner. Humor helps lighten everyday frustrations and helps puts things into perspective more gently than other methods. Playfulness reminds us that even as adults, we all have a side to us that enjoys fun and taking a break from the seriousness of work and other demands made on us.
在日常谈话中幽默轻松不是说要表现得滑稽。你要做的仅仅是把自己固有的幽默尽量在谈话中运用起来。幽默有助于聆听生活中的挫折，是洞察事物的一种很委婉的方式。而嬉笑则提醒我们，尽管已经是大人了，我们仍应该给自己的精神放放假，暂时远离严肃的工作，抛开环境的期许，享受生活。
9. Communicating is more than just talking.
九、交流不仅仅是讲话
To communicate better and more effectively in your relationship, you don’t only have to talk. You can communicate in other ways — through your actions, and nowadays, electronically too (through email, Facebook, blogs, texting or Twitter). All too often, couples focus only on the talking aspect of their relationship, but your actions also speak loudly. Keeping in touch throughout the day or week through email or other electronic means also reminds the person you’re thinking about them and how important they are in your life. Even if such communications are mainly playful or inconsequential, they can help lighten your partner’s day and improve their mood.
更好、更高效地交流，并不仅仅需要说话，你得通过行动来获取。而今，各种电子媒介（电子邮件，Facebook, 博客，短信，推特）是不错的选择。常常，夫妻们只把交流的重点放在谈话上，但是忽略了行动也更加有力。通过邮件等电子媒介保持每日或每周联系，能让对方知道你在他的生活中占有多么重要的位置。这样的交流看似很随意也很无关紧要，却是在聆听对方的生活，也能改善他的情绪。
Some couples also find that using email or another method is easier to discuss emotional issues rather than trying to do so face-to-face. It’s something to consider if every time you try and bring up a particular topic with your significant other, it turns into an argument or they shy away from it. Email or texting may be a way of communicating about such matters more openly and directly.
还有一些夫妇表示，通过电子邮件或者其他的方式比面对面更能让他们交流没有障碍。如果你总是在与重要对象讨论某个问题时发生争吵或者躲避，好好考虑下这种方式吧。电子邮件或者短信也许更能让你们畅所欲言，到位直接。
Nobody is a perfect communicator all the time. But you can work to become a better communicator by trying a few of these tips. They won’t all work, nor will they work all the time. Better communication, however, starts with one person making the effort to improve, which often encourages the other to come along for the ride
没有长胜的交流者，运用一些小技巧，却能让你获得更好的交流体验。尽管这些不是每一条都有用，也不都总是奏效，然而若对方看到了你做出的努力，也会受到激励，这样更好的交流才有可能发生。
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