苏珊娜·贝伦斯|怎样接纳你的伴侣

怎样接纳你的伴侣，

并无需放弃你自己的力量

How To Accept Your Spouse

(Without Giving Up Your Power)

作者/苏珊娜·贝伦斯

翻译/启宇

True acceptance is always done in a way that maintains your integrity.

真正的接纳总是能同时保持你的正直。

The desire for acceptance—and the lack thereof—is a prevalent theme in relationships.

对接纳的渴望 ----以及因此而产生的匮乏感----是关系中最普遍的主题。

It can appear in an angry “Just accept it!” It can sound pleading, as in “Why won’t you just accept me the way I am?” There’s also pseudo-acceptance, such as “Fine. I accept I will never get through to you!” And there’s also manipulation disguised as acceptance with a sprinkling of martyrdom: “(Sigh)…I guess I just have to accept that I do all the work in the relationship.”

它可能会表现成愤怒“受着吧！”它也可能听起来是辩论，比如“为什么你就不能接受我就是我这个样子呢？”还有伪装接纳，比如“行行行，我接受，我和你总也过不到一起！”然后还有点缀着牺牲的操控式地接纳：“（叹气） …我想我只能接纳在两人关系中我来扛所有的事。”

The concept of acceptance is used and abused, but what is it, really? How do we get it, and how do we give it? If you find that your partner keeps repeating the same thing to you, it could be an indication they don’t feel heard and accepted. If so, this article is for you.

接纳的概念被利用和曲解了，然而到底，真正的接纳是什么呢？我们怎么才能得到它，又如何才能付出它？如果你发现你的伴侣总是在对你重复同样的内容，那可能就表示他们没有感受到你的倾听和接纳。如果情况如此，这篇文章就是给你的。

What acceptance is—and is not

接纳的真与伪

Acceptance is often confused with dynamics that have little to do with it. It gets mistaken for giving up, being complacent, forfeiting power, being inauthentic, and a host of other misconceptions. True acceptance is always done in a way that maintains your integrity.

接纳经常被和一些毫不相干的情形混为一谈。它被误解为放弃、自大、丧失力量、虚伪，以及一大堆其他的错误看法。真正的接纳总是能同时保持你的正直。

It sometimes helps to think about it in physical terms. Clench your fist for a few seconds and then open it. Notice what you had to do to open: you had to let go. What is received in the openness of letting go is acceptance.

有时候想想物理术语会对理解它有帮助。紧握你的拳头几秒钟，然后打开手掌。注意一下你为了打开手掌所必须做的：你得放手。在放手中所接受到的开放就是接纳。

Here are some important ways to convey acceptance to your partner:

这里是向你的伴侣表达接纳的一些重要方法：

Focus on Your Partner

The easiest way to do this is to recognize when your attention returns to yourself. That doesn’t mean you should never consider your own needs or that it’s not okay to have your feelings. But right now, tune into your partner and see what gets in your way. Bookmark what is blocking you so that you can set time aside for personal reflection.

关注你的伴侣

要做到这点最容易的方法是，当你的关注点回到了自己身上的时候，你要能知道。这并不是说你从来都不该考虑自己的需要亦或说拥有自己的感受是不对的。但眼下，调整自己的关注点到伴侣身上，然后看看你这发生了什么。把那些阻碍你如此去做的东西在头脑里标记一下，以便自己在另外的时间来自我反思。

Be Present With What Is

When your partner is in pain, it’s natural to feel bad for them. But when you focus on wishing they didn’t feel bad, you subtly move away from being with what is present for them. If you say, “You shouldn’t feel that way” or “I wish you didn’t feel that way,” you’re someplace other than right with the feelings they want you to accept.

与真实的当下同在

当你的伴侣处于痛苦之中，很自然的你会感受到他们很糟糕。但是当你因此而关注在希望他们不要觉得很糟糕时，你就已经从与他们的当下同在中悄然远离了。如果你说，“你不应该那样去感受”或是“我希望你别这么难受”，你已经没有与他们需要你接纳的感受同在。

Another indication that you aren’t being present with your partner’s feelings is when your empathic response is immediately followed by a “but.” This might sound something like: “I know you felt offended, but if you could just see it this way you would feel differently.” This feels to your partner like you are emotionally walking away from where they are right now. They don’t need your corrective viewpoint in this moment; they need your pure presence with where they are right now. Let them know you understand how they feel, what that must be like, that you’re there for them, and that you care.

另一个指出你并没有与你伴侣的感受同在的信号是，当你在做出同理心反应之后紧接着来个“但是”。这种情况可能听起来是这样的：“我知道你被触怒了，但是如果你能这样这样看问题的话你就会感受不同了。”这样做会令你的伴侣感觉就好像你的情绪正在从他们的感受中走开。在这个时候，他们是不需要你更正他们的观点的；他们需要的是你纯粹地与他们的当下同在。让他们知道你理解他们的感受，肯定那种感受，你和他们同在，而且你在意。

Release Your Agenda

One way to determine whether you have an agenda other than acceptance is if you find yourself trying to move your partner out of their feelings by trying to make them feel better or trying to change their responses. This doesn’t mean that at some point they won’t appreciate your efforts to right a wrong or to improve conditions. But acceptance is the precursor. If they become frustrated when you move into agenda mode, chances are you might have bypassed true acceptance.

放下你的盘算

有一种办法可以确定你是有自己的盘算还是在接纳，那就是你是否发现自己正在尝试让你的伴侣改变他们的感受，或是在尝试帮他们感觉更好，或是在尝试改变他们的反应。这并不意味着在某些时候他们不会感激你为了改正错误、改善条件所做的努力。但接纳是前提。如果他们在你进入到盘算模式时变得烦躁，那可能是你已经错过了真正接纳。

If this is the case, take some time to reflect on how acceptance challenges you. What do you feel in your body when you cannot change your partner’s feelings? How do you view yourself? What do you think it says about you? If you can work through what blocks you, truly being with your partner’s feelings is one of the most intimate and caring gifts you can give them. They will experience this as deep connection, understanding, and compassion. No attempt to fix it for them can compare.

如果情况如上所说，花些时间来反思接纳是如何在挑战你的。当你不能改变你伴侣的感觉时，你的身体上有什么感受？你是怎么看自己的？这种情形反映了你的什么东西？如果你能打通这些障碍，真实地与伴侣的感受同在，这是你能给予他们的最亲密和关爱的礼物。这会让他们感受到深刻的联结、理解、以及慈悲。而帮他们修正情况的努力无法与之相比。

Simply resting in the reality of your partner’s situation is like opening a clenched fist. When you open to what is, you pave a pathway to greater attention, awareness of self and other, and connection. To learn how to create the right growing conditions to encourage your partner’s acceptance of you, stay tuned for my next article.

就像打开紧握的拳头所做的一样，单纯地憩息于你的伴侣的真实境遇中。当你开放地接受那个本然，你就铺设了一条通途到达更广大的关注、对自己和他人的觉知、以及联结。要学习如何创造成长的条件来鼓励你的伴侣接纳你，敬请期待我的下一篇文章。