控制欲的几个阶段

对别人的控制欲可以分成好几个阶段，最糟糕的阶段是仇恨阶段，最好的阶段是中立-欣赏阶段。.

一旦你成功地达到了中立阶段，就意味着你已经完全放弃控制别人的欲望。我们首先从了解如何达到及走出各个阶段出发。

 

 

一、      仇恨阶段

This is the worst stage to be in. If you hate some people, it shows that you want to control the outside circumstances. It bothers you that some people behave in a certain way or because of who they are. Because you feel this way, you are completely imprisoned and you feel angry or disappointed as a result. Your ego is happy because it has achieved its goal of separating you from others and you indeed feel very distant from other people.

这是你所能进入的最糟糕的阶段。假如你讨厌某些人，那就说明你想要控制外部环境。某些人的特定行为或者仅仅因为这些人，你就会感到恼怒。正因为你这么想，所以整个人被禁锢在这个牢笼里，结果就是气愤和失望。你的自负却使你高兴，因为它成功地完成了将你与别人隔离开的目的，然后你会感到和别人非常疏远。

To give up hatred you simply need to want to change. When you honestly seek ways to stop hating people, you magically stop hatred. That’s how it works. I know it sounds easy, but that’s how it is. I’ve seen this happening to many people and it will happen to you to too if you honestly want to change. Usually the changes take place very quickly, within days, so you will very soon know if your want to change was genuine.

只要你有想改变的心就能放弃仇恨。当你真心寻求停止仇恨的方法时，你自然而然就能停止仇恨。这就是解决之道，虽然听起来很简单，但这就是方法。这种方法我亲眼见过别人成功过，相信只要你想改变，你也能行。通常变化发生得非常快，就几天的功夫而已，所以你可以很快就知道自己想改变的想法是不是真心的。

2.Dislike

一、      反感阶段

The second stage that you experience once you don’t hate people is disliking them. You no longer feel deep anger, disgust and resentment of others, but you still feel negative towards them. However, now you feel a bit better as though you got rid of some of the uneasiness and uncertainty.

一旦不再仇恨别人，接下来你体验的就是第二阶段---反感。这时你不再对别人感到深深的愤怒、憎恶和仇恨，但你对他们还是持着消极的态度。然而，现在的你感到稍微好了一点，就好像你摆脱了局促不安和不确定感。2

At this stage you would still feel uncomfortable with the idea of oneness of all the humanity and the unconditional love because you would not be able to grasp the real meaning of such ideas. A better way to improve this feeling is by understanding that you don’t need to control others to feel good.

在这一阶段，你依然会因为在所有的仁慈和无条件的爱中感到孤独而觉得心里不舒坦，因为你无法掌握它们的真正含义。提高这种感觉的更好方法是了解你并不需要通过掌控别人来让自己好受。

You can feel good no matter what other people do, what they have or who they are. You can be completely okay with yourself amongst people who behave very differently to how you do.

不论别人做什么，拥有什么，或者他们是什么人，你都可以使自己保持心情愉快。即使别人的行为举止跟你非常不一样，你在人群中一个人也完全可以感觉良好。

If you try to control others, you may feel temporary satisfaction, but in the long term you will just feel increasingly more frustrated because you will realise that you are against the force that you just cannot win over – the willpower of other people. That will exhaust you, depress you and make you feel unable to control your personal life, let alone the lives of the people you dislike.

如果你试着去控制别人，你会暂时感到满足，但是长期下来，你只会越来越感到挫败，因为你会发现你在跟一股自己不可能赢的力量做斗争，那就是来自别人的意志力。所以那只会让你疲惫不堪，沮丧，甚至让你觉得无法掌控自己的生活，更不用说掌控自己不喜欢的人的生活了。

3.Disapproval

一、      排斥阶段1

A milder control stage is disapproval of the actions of others. You may not necessarily dislike people anymore, but you still disapprove of some of their actions or behaviours. So now you no longer want to control people, but you want to control certain actions they take. As you no longer want to control people, you feel a huge relief but you still don’t feel entirely peaceful and free.

一个温和一点的控制欲阶段就是反对别人行为的阶段。你不再讨厌别人，但你仍然反对他们的一些行为举止。所以，现在你不再想要控制别人，但还想控制他们所采取的一些行动。正因为不想再控制别人，所以你会感觉如释重负，但还不能完全觉得平和自由。

You may, for example, disapprove of how some mothers teach their kids. You honestly feel that those kids will not benefit from what they are taught and that upsets you. In such case you should realise that you cannot save the whole humanity from experiencing something negative.

举个例子，也许你会反对一些母亲教育孩子的方法，并且真实地觉得那些小孩不会从中获益，而这点让你觉得苦恼。像这样，你应该意识到你不可能拯救整个人类社会、不让它经历一些坏事。

After all, maybe your limiting beliefs do not let you see the benefit in the teachings of that mother. Maybe the mother wants the child the best but you fail to see that because you are looking through a negative lens. There are so many ways to view the situation and you will change your opinions about the same situation throughout your life.

最终，也许是你那有限的信任感不足以让你从那位母亲的方法中看到益处。也或许，那位母亲想给孩子最好的，只是你没能看到，因为你是从消极的视角去看事物。该情况可以从很多视角去看待，你也将会在自己的人生道路上慢慢改变对同一境况的看法。

For example, I used to not understand why mothers would let their children run like wild and make noise in public places. Then I began to think that it’s actually much better to let children express themselves than suppress their creativity and their uniqueness, so I no longer minded them shouting and playing.

例如，我从前不懂为什么妈妈们会让自己的小孩像个野孩子到处乱跑，在公共场所大声喧哗。后来我渐渐认为，事实上这样让他们自由地表达自我会比压制他们的创造性和独特性好得多，因此，我不再介意他们的喧哗和嬉戏。

Now I just don’t think about that – different parents have different opinions about how children should behave. There are children from very conservative families who grow up to be excellent and there are some who grow up to be drunkards and criminals. So there’s no right or wrong way, just your thinking makes it so.

现在，我不理解的是---不同的父母对孩子的行为应该怎样有不同的观点。有很多来自保守家庭的孩子长大后成了出色的人，也有些变成了醉鬼和罪犯。由此可见，世上并没有所谓的正确的方法与错误的方法，只是你的想法使你这么认为罢了。

4.Tolerance

一、      容忍阶段

Many people think that tolerance is the last stage in giving up control over others. Yes, it is better than hatred or disapproval, but it still contains a desire to have power over others. When you become tolerant, you still don’t feel a complete peace of mind and freedom.

很多人认为容忍是放弃控制欲的最后阶段了。是的，容忍总比仇恨和一味的反对好，但是它仍然还有一点想强势于别人的欲望。当你变得忍让的时候，你仍然不会感到完全的思绪平静和自由。

At this stage you can feel that some small part of yourself still wants to cling to other people and teach them the right way to live, but you restrain from doing that. This shows that you still have some want to control others and therefore you fail to free yourself. Go further than that, seek complete neutrality and ignorance to what others do.

在这个阶段，你可以感受到，自己身体的某一个小位置还想抓住别人，然后教授他们正确的生活方法，只是你克制自己不那么做。由此表明，你依然还有一些想控制别人的欲望，因此，你无法解放自己，让自己自由。那么，再前进一点点，然后寻找到对待别人所作所为的真正中立和坦然处之的态度。

 

5.Neutrality 

一、      中立阶段

 

This is the last stage ? you completely give up control and you are perfectly fine with that. You completely give up your ego. No matter what other people’s opinions are, no matter what they do, who they are or how they look – you are perfectly fine with that.

这是最后一个阶段，你完全舍弃了控制欲，并能安然接受这个事实。你也完全放弃了自己的自负。不论别人持有什么观点、做了什么、他们是什么人，或者他们看起来如何，这些你都能泰然接受。

In the neutrality stage, when you hear someone angrily comment about the way someone looks or behaves, that just seems funny to you and you feel sorry for the person who critiques ? you know that they are still suffering because they want to control what they cannot control.

在这个中立阶段，当你听到别人气愤地评论他人的长相和行为时，你只会觉得那很有趣，而且你会替那个批评别人的人感到难过，你知道他们还在受难，因为他们还想要控制所想控制的事物。

Your neutrality may even develop into appreciation. You may start to notice good things in even worst people. You may start to understand that everyone is a creator and that from their perspective they are doing the right thing. Every behaviour rises from a good cause, just the action people take to get what they want may not be agreeable to you.

你的中立也许能发展成为欣赏。你这时开始理解到每个人都是创造者，而且从他们的角度出发，他们做的都是正确的事。每个行为都是出于好意，只是别人为了得到想要的东西而采取的行动刚好不合你意。

Conclusion

总结

The desire to control others tricks many into the false illusion of importance and power. However, a real sense of importance can only be acquired by searching for importance within yourself and not outside of yourself.

想要控制别人的这种欲望会将人戏弄进重要感和权势的假象当中。然而，真正的重要感只能在自身当中搜索才能得到，而不是从外界。

It is so easy to get away from the want to control, it may even at first be hard to believe. All you need to do is want to change, because when you ask it is always given. That’s the law.

从对控制欲的渴望中脱离是件简单的事，乍一听也许很难相信。你所要做的就是要有改变的欲望，因为，只要你追求改变就一定会有收获，这就是定理。1

Once you completely give up control over others you will feel a huge relief and peace of mind. You will realise how stupid it was for you to try to control others because you will understand how unproductive and dangerous it was to your personality.

一旦你完全舍弃了想对别人进行控制的欲望，你会如释重负，思绪平静。你会发现自己曾经试着想控制别人的想法是多么的愚蠢，因为你会了解这对你自己人格的形成将是多么地无用和危险。