作为一个公认性学专家，几年里我参与过很多夫妻生活临床治疗。夫妻双方都应该为维持性福生活而做出努力，但这一点大多数夫妻都感觉很惊讶。很多人都有这种想法，好婚姻自然性福。实则不然。
In my 20 years of couples therapy practice I have found that partners can get along well and be good roommates, but still have a frustrating sex life. And this can be risky. Couples who are not having good sex are usually more dissatisfied with their relationships and eventually become discouraged about their future together.
20年的临床经验告诉我，夫妻双方纵然相处甚好，但性生活却不怎么如意。其实这并不是个好兆头。通常不性福的夫妻对他们的关系甚至双方的未来都不太憧憬。
There are several predictable phases that your sex life will pass through in your marriage.
在这里我说明一下婚姻中所会经历的一个阶段。
Understanding them can help you work on your sex life and stay erotic for life.
了解它们对你的性福生活有极大的帮助。
In the beginning of a relationship, during the romantic phase, you each feel a new, exciting attraction for each other. There is still space between the two of you where you can long for each other and this creates a new erotic curiosity. Sex is usually spontaneous and satisfying for both of you.
双方发展初期，处于浪漫时期，感情双发互相吸引。此时双方仍有向前发展的空间，渴望得到对方，催生性好奇。此时的性对你们来说就是自然发展的趋势，彼此都会愉悦。
Once you say "I do" and "I will" you enter into the next phase of your relationship; commitment. The sex is probably still good, and can become even better now that you know you are together forever. You may take some risks and ask for more of what you want from your partner, trying new things and finding sex more adventurous.
一旦当你说“我想”“我要”时你们就进入到感情发展的第二阶段：实践时期。也许双方都感觉良好，但此时若知道你们将永远在一起时可能会感觉更棒。此阶段你可以尝试些新花样，请求对方做的更好，在性生活中寻找更多的刺激。
After a year or two, the honeymoon naturally begins to wear off. In this next phase of the relationship, you feel even more comfortable with each other. I call this "The Sweatpants Phase." Marriage feels safe and familiar; you let down your guard. You eat what you want; dress how you want, and sex becomes a comfort and a joy. You know what buttons to push, and what feels good.
一两年之后，蜜月的甜蜜逐渐淡去。这就到了第三阶段，夫妻双方感觉舒适。我称此阶段为“舒适阶段”。此时的你们感觉婚姻熟悉可靠；你们也毫无戒备。想吃什么吃什么；想穿什么就穿什么，性生活变得舒适有趣。你们知道哪个扣子该解，如何才能更好。
Some couples may go into "maintenance sex" in this phase. Maintenance sex is sex on the same night, in the same way, with little variation. You may be too tired to change it up, or too shy to ask for what you want. You might get stuck there for a while.
有些夫妻可能此时会进入“性一致”阶段。也就说同一天晚上，同样的方式，一点点小小的不同。也可能是太累了你懒得变，又或者你难于启齿。这时的你们可能会出现短暂的僵持。
Or you can begin to "work" to make your sex life more exciting. If you ignore the signs and hope sex will get better on its own, it may start to feel like sex is getting boring. This is a crucial place. Now is the time to talk about your longings and desires. If you do not, your relationship may cool down.
此时我建议你们开始努力让对方性福。但如果你置之不理，随之发展，你们就会开始感觉性无味了。这是个决定性区域。现在的你们就应该向对方谈谈自己的渴望以及欲望。如果不这样做，你们的关系就会冷淡下来。
Remember, talking about your sex life will help you feel intimate and connected.
记住，性生活的话题会让彼此双方感觉亲密无间。
Couples often don't talk about their sex lives because they assume that their partners should automatically know what they want.
很多夫妻并不和对方谈论性生活感受，他们认为对方就应该知道自己所想。
"If you really loved me, you would know what I want,"
“如果你真的爱我，你就应该知道我想要的”
Elaine told Joe, her new husband.
Elaine这样告诉他的信任丈夫Joe。
"If I have to tell you what I like it feels like you don't even know me or you don't care."
“如果我告诉你我想要的，感觉就像是你都不了解我活着并不关心我。”
Joe felt perplexed.
Joe对此番话很是郁闷。
"If you don't tell me, how will we ever learn to please each other?"
“你不告诉我，我们又怎么会知道如何去愉悦对方呢？”
Joe is right. Teaching each other what feels good can create a life time of erotic connection. Here is a first-step exercise designed to take couples to greater intimacy. It is called "The Appreciation Exercise."
Joe是对的。告诉对方你想要的会让你们一辈子都幸福。我给你们些建议，第一步就是让彼此感觉更亲密。就是所谓的“欣赏练习”。
Start by facing your partner, and say,
直面对方，说出你的想法。
"One thing I really appreciate about our relationship is... " and then fill in the blank.
告诉对方“我们的性生活中，我欣赏的是……”。
Make sure they really hear you and take it in. Then move on to something riskier.
要确保对方能听到你，而且确实这样做了。紧接着寻找些小刺激。
"One thing I really appreciate about our sex life is... " and then fill in the blank.
告诉他或她“我想要我们的性生活……”。
Then finally, take a big leap and share with your partner a fantasy;
最后，来个一跃，同你的另一半分享美妙的性幻想。
"One thing I would like to try is... "
“我想试试……”
Whether your partner is ready to take your fantasy into action or not, the conversation has begun. Have your partner repeat back what you say to make sure they really heard you. This simple exercise will remind each of you how important you are to each other. It can also increase the heat between you, just by talking!
无论你的另一半是否将之付诸实践，话已经说开。让他或她重复你的话，要确保对方确实听进去了。这个简单的练习会让双方感觉到对方的重要性。同时，仅说说话，就能增进彼此之间的亲密感。
The first step in building a healthy and erotic sex life is remembering that you always get more of what you appreciate. Keep up the conversation and keep in mind that a connected sexual life will make both of you appreciate your marriage, and each other, for years to come.
要想建立一个健康的始终有几分热度的性福生活，第一步就是，记住，你欣赏的越多，自然得到的越到。保持你们这样的亲昵私语，牢记在心，如此以来的性生活才会让你们的婚姻持久美满。
Tammy Nelson, Ph.D. is a sex and relationship expert and the author of Getting the Sex You Want and the upcoming The New Monogamy. Dr. Tammy Nelson holds trainings and workshops for couples who want to learn how to increase intimacy and sexual happiness in their relationships. For more info go to www.drtammynelson.com.
Tammy Nelson博士，一位性学专家，同是也是《性欲》以及即将出版发行的《新一夫一妻》的作者，举办有试训课程，并为那些想保持更亲密关系的夫妻们举办讲习会。想了解更多，就来www.drtammynelson.com。
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