解惑：男人为何更难结交朋友？

在大学有关幸福的课程里，我用了至少三节课的时间来讲述心理学家们关于如何经营健康的人际关系的研究成果。问一问学校的孩子们，他们的朋友是谁？许多人会列出姓氏首字母在字母表中与他们接近的人。为什么会出现这种情况？因为大部分友谊都是由座位促成的。学校随意地同学安排到你身边，于是你们便成了朋友。在年轻时那些纯真的岁月里，只要距离近，你便会和他成为朋友。但是随着我们逐渐长大，情况就大不一样，尤其是对于男人们。思想的开阔性遭受当头一棒；别人怎样看我们以及我们在这个社会等级中处于什么位置则成为重中之重。但是，也存在一些别的东西使结交朋友变得困难，它们在暗中潜伏着，很少有人谈起。

When men hit their 30s, many cling to their high school and college friends. And if these don't last, men have a hard time forming new friendships. I'm not talking about work-out partners and neighbors you pound a few beers with while ribs are grilling, I'm talking about confidants. People who you are willing to share your innermost self to because you feel it will be valued and accepted (regardless of what evils lurk there). Women are fantastic at cultivating these relationships. Women spend substantial time and energy to creating intimate relationships, safe havens and people that care about the good things that happen to them. Men? Not so much. With one exception: Men who get married. With wives in charge of their social life, men get a free pass to a rich social life.

当男人们到了30多岁，很多人都坚守着高中和大学时的朋友们。如果这种友谊没有持续下去，男人们通常很难交到新朋友。我指的不是工作伙伴，也不是在一起一边喝酒一边烤肉的邻居；而是指密友，指那些你乐于和他们分享自己最隐蔽的内心（不管你的内心有多邪恶）的朋友，因为他们会接受并尊重你。女人们在结交密友方面有着极其了不起的能力。她们会花费大量的时间来创造亲密的人际关系和安全的心灵港湾，以及结交关心她们的朋友。男人呢？则不那么擅长。唯一例外的是，结了婚的男人。有了妻子来主管他们的社会生活，男人们如同获得了通往丰富的社会生活的免费通行证。

Now is the time to be skeptical. After all, most gender differences are miniscule. Differences between men and women in talent for science, math, engineering and technology? Miniscule. Research on this topic shows its about motivation, not ability. Differences between men and women in empathy, compassion and love? Miniscule. Ends up being more about how these interpersonal emotions are expressed, not about gender differences in what is felt. So why should you believe that as we get older, men tend to feel lonelier with less confidants compared to women and their abundance of meaningful relationships?

不少人可能对此观点持怀疑态度。毕竟，大部分性别差异都是微乎其微的。男女在科学、数学、工程学和应用科学上的天赋的差异有多大呢？微乎其微。研究表明，男女在这一方面的差异体现在动机方面，而非能力方面。那么，男女在同情、怜悯和关爱方面的差异呢？也是微乎其微。研究结果表明，男女的差异体现在这些情感的表达方式上，而非感受上。那么，为什么你就认为，随着年龄的增长，比起女人来男人们的知己和丰富的人际关系更少，因此一般容易更孤独呢？

Drawing on decades of research, Thomas Joiner weaves a neglected story about how the manly pursuit of status, power, wealth and autonomy leads to great rewards in work and play but at the expense of loving, caring friendships. This is laid out beautifully in his book to be released this week titled, Lonely at the Top: The High Costs of Men's Success.

依据几十年的研究成果，Thomas Joiner编出了一个常被人们所忽视的故事，故事是关于男人们对于地位、权利、财富以及自主权的追求是如何使他们在工作和比赛中得到丰厚的成果，却导致他们牺牲了友爱、贴心的友谊。在他下周要发行的书《高处不胜寒：男人成功的高额代价》之中，他清楚地展示了这个过程。

Personal strivings are the central projects that people think about, plan for, and allocate time and energy toward. Strivings provide information about what a person wants as well as the type of person they wish to be. Men disproportionally strive for wealth, success and power compared to women. Women tend to have a different instruction manual for life, putting a premium on nurturing and befriending other people. This doesn't mean that the average woman is unconcerned about success and status, but that this is less likely to be done without checking in on friendships to ensure they attain their highest potential.

个人的努力奋斗是人们考虑、计划、分配时间和精力的中心任务。这些奋斗能够反映一个人想要什么以及想成为什么样的人。男人们比女人格外地争取财富、成功以及权力。对于生活，女人似乎和男人拥有不同的操作指南，额外地对照顾和帮助别人方面也投入精力。这并不意味这大部分女人对成功和地位不关注，而是说女人们通常不会不考虑友谊而只想使自身的潜力得到最大的发挥。

Using rigorous scientific techniques, we know that strivings matter for well-being. Striving for wealth and power is less likely to bring about happiness and meaning in life than working hard to care for other people and developing intimate bonds. But if there is one thing we know its that whatever society rewards is what you will see more of. Have you seen Forbes list of the 500 foremost people who provide love, friendship, support and laughter in the world? Nope. Have you received any feedback on your ability to make and maintain friends in high school, college, or in the workplace? Probably not. Have your friends and colleagues given you a surprise party to celebrate your amazing ability to ask questions and take an interest in what they are passionate about? Your willingness to sacrifice countless late nights consoling them? Unlikely. But if you landed a work promotion, published a book or appeared in a movie, champagne bottles tend to appear alongside lavish praise.

利用严格、科学的技巧，我们知道努力奋斗对幸福来说很重要。然而，努力获取财富和权力，却不如努力关心他人、结交亲密的朋友那样能够给人带来幸福和人生的意义。但是，有一点我们必须知道：社会对什么有回馈，我们就会愈重视什么。你见到过福布斯为世界上最能够提供关爱、友谊、支持和欢笑的人排出前500强吗？没有。你在高中、大学或者职场曾因为你善于结交朋友和维持友谊而得到过赞赏吗？很可能没有。你的朋友或是同事曾因为你善于聆听和关心他们所热衷的事物而给你举办过令你惊喜的晚会吗？或者是因为你愿意花费无数的夜晚去安慰他们？不可能。但是，如果你升职了、出了一本书或是演了一部电影，赞誉之词伴随着香槟酒都会随之而来。

I am not suggesting that we choose between success and friendship. I am suggesting that balance take the place of overly-simplified solutions. I am suggesting that conscious attention needs to be given to friendships. Without regular nourishment, relationships wither and die like any other living, breathing organism. And when important relationships falter, and they will, we need to replenish them.

我并不是说，在成功和友谊之中我们必须选择其一；而是强调以两者的平衡来取代过于简单化的选择。我是说，对友谊要刻意地给予关注。如果没有定期的呵护，友谊就会像其他活着的、会呼吸的生物一样枯萎并死亡。而当重要的友谊摇摇欲坠之时，我们需要采取措施来弥补。

Please note that I am not talking about romantic relationships, I'm talking about friendships, which might be even more important to our well-being. Friendships are hard work, not something that comes as easily to us as it did when we were children, sexually hyperactive teenagers or confused 20-somethings. But this is hard work well spent.

请注意，我所谈论的不是恋爱关系，而是友谊，这对我们的幸福来说或许会更重要。经营友谊是一件很有难度的事情，而不像我们孩提时、活跃的青春期或迷茫的20几岁之时那么简单。但是，这样的努力却十分值得。

Loneliness is unfortunately rather common. In a survey of 3000+ adults aged 35 or older, 1 in 5 reported being lonely on a regular basis (not just a few uncomfortable moments every once in ahwile). In another survey of college students, 1 in 5 reported being "chronically lonely" (this means they felt alienated and disconnected most of their waking hours). Scary numbers.

不幸的是，孤独感普遍存在。在一项对3000多成人进行的调查中，五分之一的人说会定期地感到孤独（不是偶尔的一些不舒服的时刻）。在另一项对大学生的进行调查中，五分之一的人表明会“长期地感到孤独”（这表明，他们在大部分清醒的时刻里感到被孤立或者与外界缺乏联系）。这些数据十分惊人。

Alone, but oblivious. These are the men I worry most about. We are not talking about psychological disorders or mental illness. We are talking about the difficulties of being human. We are talking about issues that men rarely acknowledge, talk about or address. But its easy to shrug this off as someone else's problem while living with a vast gap between the social connections one has and what one desires.

孤独，但却毫不察觉。这些男人们是我最担忧的。我们不是在说心理失调或者精神疾病，而是在谈论做人的困难之处。我们在谈论人们很少搭理、很少谈论或应对的问题。人们很容易认为自己并不存在这样的问题，耸耸肩就不在意了，然后继续过着离自己期望的社会人际关系有着很大差距的生活。

If any of this resonates, don't suffer in silence. Invest in the ultimate investment. Maintaining healthy, close connections to other people. Simple in theory, effortful in practice, and the most valuable, meaningful commodity in the world.

如果这篇文章有什么地方令你产生共鸣，就不要依旧默默忍受孤独。对人际关系多一些投入吧，和他人保持健康、密切的关系。理论很简单，实践起来却需要付出努力，但你所收获的成果，也是这个世界上最有价值、最有意义的。

Joiner, T.E. (2011). Lonely at the Top: The High Costs of Men's Success. Palgrave Macmillan. New York, NY.

Joiner, T.E. (2011). 高处不胜寒：男人成功的高额代价. Palgrave Macmillan出版社. 纽约.

Dr. Todd B. Kashdan is a psychologist and professor of psychology at George Mason University who regularly give keynotes and workshops to business executives, organizations, schools, parents, retirees and health professionals on well-being. He authored "Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life" and "Designing Positive Psychology." If you're interested in speaking engagements or workshops related to this topic or others, contact me by going to www.toddkashdan.com

Todd B. Kashdan 医生是乔治梅森大学的一位心理学家，教授。他定期为商务经理、各种组织、学校、父母、退休人员以及健康行业的工作人员开设关于幸福的讲习班。他写了《好奇吗？找寻实现生命丢失的成分》和《养成积极的心理》。如果你对与这个话题或者其他话题相关的口头交谈或讲习班感兴趣，可以访问www.toddkashdan.com来联系我。