This collection of short funny quotes will pep up your mood and brighten up your spirit, and is bound to have you in splits! For those who love to keep a collection of funny sayings, these quotes could be handy when you want to cheer someone up or simply have a good laugh!
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. - Anonymous
I'm not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton
Thank God I'm an atheist. - Anonymous
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk. - Anonymous
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. - Jerry Seinfeld
An egotist is someone who is usually me - deep in conversation. - Anonymous
Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. - Anonymous
I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep. - Jim Loy
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. - Anonymous
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. - W. C. Fields
A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch. - Anonymous
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
The four most important words in any marriage...I'll do the dishes. - Anonymous
If at first you don't succeed, order pizza. - Anonymous
Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours. - Anonymous
A closed mouth gathers no foot. - Anonymous
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. - Albert Einstein
No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. - Anonymous
The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them. - Jackie Collins
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. - Paul Ehrlich
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. - Anonymous
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. - Author Unknown
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - Lily Tomlin
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein
Constipated People Don't Give a crap. - Anonymous
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either. - Dick Cavett
We are all either fools or undiscovered geniuses. - Bonnie Lin
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. - Anonymous
Constant change is here to stay. - Anonymous
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. - Anonymous
Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. - John Peers.
If you can't answer a man's argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names. - Elbert Hubbard
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else. - Ann Landers
A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle
Laughter is the best medicine; as it is scientifically proven to have beneficial effects on our health. You can also use these quotes to give your loved ones a dose of this funny medicine.
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