什么才是真正的自爱

作者|John Amodeo博士

译者|红莲

We often hear that it’s important to love yourself. Sounds good, right? But what does it actually mean to love and care for yourself?

我们经常听到关于自爱很重要的言论。听起来很对，是吧？但是什么才是真正的自爱呢？

For some people, self-love might mean taking a warm bath or pampering themselves with a massage or manicure, which might help us. Yet, the elusive self-love that we seek requires something deeper.

对于一些人来说，自爱就是泡个热水澡或者做个按摩、做个美甲，这些可能会让你自己心情舒畅。但是，我们所追求地自爱远不止这些。

Self-love means finding peace within ourselves — resting comfortably within the depths of our being. We might find temporary respite by doing something to nurture ourselves. But a deeper inner peace requires cultivating a certain way of being with ourselves — a warm and nurturing attitude toward what we experience in life.

自爱是寻求内心的平静——我们内心深处的坦然。偶尔犒赏下自己，我们可能会得到暂时的放松。但是获得内心深处的平静需要培养一种特定的方式——对生活中发生的事情抱以温和宽容的态度。

The suggestions that follow are derived from Focusing, developed by Dr. Eugene Gendlin. Sometimes called the Focusing Attitude, this is simply a way of being nonjudgmentally kind, present, and mindful toward whatever we happen to be experiencing.

如下建议都摘自于Eugene Gendlin博士的《聚焦》，有时也叫《聚焦姿态》，主要是讲我们面对将要发生的事情，要保持无条件的善良。

Gendlin has stated, “The client’s attitudes and responses to the felt sense need to be those of a client-centered therapist.” In other words, we need to have empathy and unconditional positive regard for whatever we are experiencing inside.

Gendlin表示，“以客户为中心的理疗师才能理解客户的态度和反应。”也就是说，无论我们内心怎么想，我们需要换位思考。

Being Gentle with Ourselves

温柔地对待自己

It’s often easier to be kind and gentle toward others than toward ourselves. Judgmental voices from the past may have left a hidden residue of toxic shame, which blocks us from honoring — or even noticing– what we’re really feeling.

我们更易友好温和地对待别人而非自己。过去批判的声音依旧让我们如中毒般感到羞愧，以至于我们无法遵从，甚至是关注我们内心的感受。

Being gentle with ourselves means being kind and friendly toward the feelings that arise within us. It is very human to feel sad, hurt, and afraid sometimes. It’s a sign of strength, not weakness, to become mindful of these feelings and allow a friendly space for them.

温柔对待自己就意味着我们要友好地对待自己内心的感受。有时感觉伤心、受伤或者害怕是很正常的。注意到这些感觉，并友好地对待它们，这种做法是力量的象征，而非懦弱的表现。

When challenging feelings come up for clients, I often ask, “Is it okay to be with that feeling right now? Can you be with it in a gentle, caring way?” I might help them find some distance from painful feelings so that they are not so overwhelmed by them.

当顾客感觉难受时，我通常会问，“你现在还好吗？你能温和地对待这种情绪吗？”我会试图让他们远离这种不好的情绪，这样他们就不会被这些不好的情绪吞噬。

An attitude of gentleness toward feelings is one way to find some distance from them. We can “be with” our emotions rather than merge with them or be overwhelmed by them.

温和对待这些情绪是相对远离它们的一种方式。我们可以去消化这些情绪，而不是被不好的情绪淹没。

Psychotherapist Laury Rappaport offers some gentle inquiries into our feelings in her book, Focusing-Oriented Art Therapy:

Can you be friendly with that (felt sense)

Can you say hello to that (felt sense) inside?

Imagine sitting down next to it…Can you keep it company much the way you would keep a vulnerable child company?

心理治疗师Laury Rappaport在她的书《聚焦取向的艺术理疗》中提出了一些关于情绪的问题：

• 你能友好地对待你的情绪吗？

• 你能正视内在的感受吗？

• 设想你正坐在情绪的旁边……你能像陪伴一个脆弱儿童一样地去陪伴它吗？

This gentle way of being with ourselves is an antidote to shame. Rather than battling ourselves or trying to fix or change ourselves. we find more inner peace by simply being with our experience as it unfolds.

温和地对待自己可以消除羞耻，我们不应该对抗自己，或者试图改变自己。只需要正视呈现出的情绪，我们的内心将会更加平和。

Allowing Our Experience to Be as it Is

正视我们的经历

When I invite clients to notice their feelings, they sometimes reply, “Why would I want to feel that?” I explain that when we push feelings away, they often come roaring back. Or they get acted out in ways that are destructive to ourselves or others, such as by drinking alcohol or through other ways of numbing out or transferring our pain to others (such as by raging or blaming).

当我请顾客注意他们自己的感受时，他们有时会问，“我为什么要去注意？”我解释到，当我们赶走这些情绪时，它们往往来势更猛。或者，它们会以伤害我们自己或他人的方式表现出来，例如酗酒、麻木、或者迁怒于别人（例如愤怒或者埋怨）。

Loving ourselves means allowing ourselves to experience our feelings just as they are. Often we push away unpleasant experiences and try to cling to pleasant ones. But as Buddhist psychology suggests, we create more suffering for ourselves when we try to cling to pleasant things and maintain an aversion toward painful feelings.

爱我们自己就是去正视自己的感受。通常，我们会赶走不好的情绪，试图留住好的情绪。但是正如佛教心理学暗示的一样，当我们试图抓住快乐，一直厌恶痛苦，我们遭受的苦难会更多。

A subtle sense of fear and shame may prevent us from allowing our experience to have its life inside us. For example, if we feel (or show) sadness, hurt, or anxiety, we might think we’re weak; or perhaps we were given messages not to feel. We’re afraid that others might judge us.

恐惧和羞耻会阻止我们感受自己的内心。例如，当我们感到伤心、受伤或者焦虑时，我们可能会觉得自己很软弱；也许我们会暗示自己不要去想。我们害怕别人议论自己。

Embracing the Wisdom of Not-Knowing

拥抱未知的智慧

As we explore personal concerns, we might recognize that we’re not clear what we’re feeling. Our experience inside is often vague and fuzzy. If we can allow ourselves to pause and make room for ambiguity and patiently welcome our blurry, vague feelings, they may gradually come into clearer focus (thus the term “Focusing”).

当我们探索自我感觉时，我们可能会意识到，自己并不清楚自己的情绪。我们内在的感觉是模糊不清的。如果我们暂停下来，为这些模糊不清的事情腾些空间，耐心地去探索那些模糊不清的感觉，它们编会逐渐清晰（因此叫做“聚焦”Focusing）。

For example, we might notice anger toward a partner, but something deeper might lurk below. We’re aware of the tip of the iceberg, but in order to see what lies beneath, we need to look more closely.

例如，我们可能会观察到对方的愤怒，但是更深层次的情绪可能潜伏在下面。我们可以看到冰山的一角，但是为了看清下面，我们需要更近的观察。

Our society values knowledge and decisiveness. But often we’re unclear about what we’re experiencing. Politicians who don’t mouth strong opinions about everything often are seen as wishy-washy. It actually takes strength and wisdom to say, “I’m not sure about that. Let me think about it.”

我们的社会重视知识和决策。但是通常我们不知道我们内在的感受。那些对一切事情不能持有绝对观点的人，通常会被认为优柔寡断。事实上，说出“我不确定，让我想想”是需要力量和智慧的。

Conclusion

总结

Human feelings are gifts to be welcomed. But we need to find a way to be with them so that they become allies, not enemies. Emotions such as grief allow us to release pain so that we might move forward in our lives. Other feelings may be more fuzzy, such as a clutching in our stomach or a tightness around our chest. As we bring an attitude of gentleness toward it, we might begin to have a sense of how it relates to something important — perhaps how we’re not honoring ourselves or have a fear of looking foolish.

人类的情绪是天赐的礼物。但是我们需要找到和它们共处的方式，它们就会成为我们的盟友，而不是敌人。悲伤这样的情绪能够释放我们的痛苦，这样我们就能在生命中继续前行。其他的情绪可能会更模糊不清，例如，肚子不适或胸口发紧。当我们温和对待这种情绪，我们就能感觉到它是和什么重要的事情有关——也许是我们不重视自己的感受或者害怕自己看起来愚蠢。

Feelings may contain wise messages, if we can only decipher what they’re trying to tell us. If we can cultivate a warm and friendly attitude toward our feelings, they’re more likely to become friendly allies on our life journey. New meanings, insights, and openings arise and our lives move forward in a more fulfilling way.

如果我们能够破译情绪试图告诉我们的事情，它们可能包含有用的信息。如果我们能够友好地对待我们的情绪，它们很有可能是我们人生旅程中的盟友。伴随着新的意义、观点、开端的出现，我们的人生将会朝着更满意的道路前进。