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怎样写一篇作文?(8)

各位好,欢迎来到作文专栏的第八期,关于专栏的介绍可见怎样写一篇作文?


从提升语言能力的角度来讲,写后修改比写作本身更加重要,通过修改我们能不断发现自己的问题,从而有针对性地提升。查词典是修改的一个重要环节,对于任何不确定的表达,都要去词典里看看能不能找到相应的例证,或者寻找更加合适的表达。


举个例子,对于下面的句子:


The soaring unemployment rate and housing price hang over millions of fresh graduates nationwide.


如果不确定 housing price 是否正确,可以查查词典里面 house 的词条:



从这里可以看出,“房价”的说法一般是 house prices,而不是 housing price,此外,句子开头冠词 the 应该去掉,unemployment rate 应该改成 unemployment rates,即:


Soaring unemployment rates and house prices hang over millions of newly-minted graduates nationwide.


今天要分析的题目是:


The restoration of old buildings in major cities in the world involves enormous government expenditure. This money should be used in new housing and road development. To what extent do you agree or disagree?


下面是原始作文版本:


习作/LJ


Over the past two decades, whether government funding should be spent on protecting old buildings or creating new residential blocks and roads has become a controversial topic. It is true that old architecture is of great value, I believe we should attach some importance to people's basic necessities.

 

On the one hand, old buildings can be a cash cow and contribute a lot to many sectors of economy. Older buildings, some of which are of artistic or historic value, are often seen as a symbol of local culture. This means that these dilapidated and aged buildings tend to give character to a city and form part of tourist attractions, thereby attracting hoards of tourists. Local communities can charge admission fees and businesses such as restaurants, hotels and cafes can earn profits. In this way, restoring and redecorating old buildings can facilitate local economic growth.

 

On the other hand, governments should pay attention to the lack of housing and the seriousness of traffic jams. Due to the urbanisation, a large number of people have flocked into big cities and towns from rural areas to find employment and improve their living standards. As a result, the demand for residential buildings is outrunning supply; besides, traffic congestion is increasingly serious. Therefore, governments should give priority to building residential blocks to relieve the pressure on the housing market and widen narrow roads or create new roads to ease traffic congestion. 


In my view, although restoring old construction is beneficial to us in terms of boosting economy,we should lay more emphasis on the development of housing and roads. If there are not enough apartment blocks, many people will become homeless, which poses a threat to social stability,because these people are likely to feel treated unfairly and become angry with the whole society,thereby committing crimes.


这是点评版本:


Over the past two decades, whether government funding should be spent on protecting old buildings or creating (creating 改为 constructing) new residential blocks and roads has become a controversial topic. It is true that old architecture (architecture 是指建筑风格或者建筑学,而不是指建筑物) is of great value, I believe we should attach some importance to people's basic necessities. (basic necessities 是指衣服、食品等生活必需品,不能用来指住房和交通需求,这里可以改成 basic needs)

 

On the one hand, old buildings can be a cash cow and contribute a lot to many sectors of economy. (改为 many economic sectors) Older (Old) buildings, some of which are of artistic or historic value, are often seen as a symbol of local culture. This means that these dilapidated and aged (dilapidated 本身包含有 aged 的含义,所以这里可以删去一个) buildings tend to give character to a city and form part of tourist attractions, thereby attracting hoards of tourists. Local communities can charge admission fees and businesses such as restaurants, hotels and cafes can earn profits. In this way, restoring and redecorating old buildings can facilitate local economic growth.

 

On the other hand, governments should pay attention to the lack of housing and the seriousness of traffic jams. Due to the (the去掉) urbanisation, a large number of people have flocked into big cities and towns (改为 towns and big cities 会更自然) from rural areas to find employment and improve their living standards. As a result, the demand for residential buildings is outrunning supply; besides, traffic congestion is getting increasingly serious. Therefore, governments should give priority to building residential blocks to relieve the pressure on the housing market and widen narrow roads or create (改为 construct) new roads to ease traffic congestion. 

(这一段只是讲政府为什么要建房和修路,没有说明它们和维护历史建筑之间的取舍关系。)


In my view, although restoring old construction (改为 buildings) is beneficial to us in terms of boosting the economy, we should lay more emphasis on the development of housing and roads. If there are not enough apartment blocks, many people will become homeless, which poses a threat to social stability, because these people are likely to feel treated unfairly and become angry with the whole (the whole 去掉) society, thereby committing crimes. (最后这里的逻辑有点牵强,对社会感到不满并不一定会导致犯罪)


思路分析:


The restoration of old buildings in major cities in the world involves enormous government expenditure. This money should be used in new housing and road development. To what extent do you agree or disagree?


这是一道非常经典的考试作文题目,对题目的论证也可以从多种角度展开,可以写成支持政府维护古建筑,也可以写成支持建房修路,也可以是分情况讨论。


这道题目的一个思路是根据古建筑的不同来分情况讨论:


(1)对于具有重要历史价值的建筑(比如名人故居)以及具有美学价值的建筑,应该予以维护。同时,这些建筑还可以作为旅游景点,给当地带来收入。


(2)对于那些没有太多历史或美学价值的古建筑(比如破旧的工厂、民房或者危害公共安全的建筑等),政府可以停止维护,将资金用在建房和修路上,以帮助解决大城市的住房和交通问题。


这里给出我写的一个版本:




习作/魏剑峰


Controversy arises when governments in major cities budget expenditure on the restoration of old buildings. In my view, whether restoration should take precedence over housing and road construction should be determined on a case-by-case basis.


Old buildings that possess historical and cultural significance are worth the restoration efforts, for they serve as a tangible link to society’s past and offer timeless lessons to people who visit them. Strolling around a historic government building, a child learns about what it means to be a nation; standing in front of old wartime ruins, a young man understands the cruelties of war; marveling at the fresco of an ancient church, a visitor acquires some knowledge of sacred art. These scenarios justify saving the buildings at the expense of the practical needs of local communities, i.e. housing and transport. Moreover, government expenditure on cultural heritage yields economic benefits. Historic sites such as houses of famous people and buildings associated with important events have popular appeal and could be a boon to tourism industries in major cities, as the influx of tourists stimulates local economies and generates job opportunities.


On the other hand, old buildings that hold little historic or aesthetic value should give way to communities’ utilitarian needs. Major cities are often beset with problems such as overpopulation and traffic congestion. Rather than allocate limited public funds to timeworn factories, dilapidated everyday buildings and ancient houses posing safety hazards, city planners should put money into new housing and road development, both of which contribute to the betterment of local residents: roads facilitate the free flow of people and goods, and houses provide dignified shelter. In such case, the value of old buildings pales into insignificance when compared with the benefits of housing and road construction.


In conclusion, the costs of restoring old buildings should be weighed against the cultural and economic benefits they bring about. Governments should strike a balance between the restoration of old buildings and regional development.




预告:


本专栏下期要分析的作文题目是:


Young people who commit serious crimes should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?


感兴趣的同学可以先思考如何写,然后对照下期的思路分析。建议有空的同学自己动笔写一篇。


本作文专栏长期接受读者投稿,感兴趣的同学可以将习作发到我的邮箱 jianfengscut@163.com,部分习作有机会得到点评。

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