Does this sound familiar?
You’re a good woman. Smart. On the fast track to success. Respected by your peers.
You meet a guy, and suddenly you feel woozy, off-balance, insecure. You start to exhibit strange behaviors:
Don’t act like a candidate trying to earn the love of a man. You already deserve his love. Because just like I’m a headhunter for global companies, you are a headhunter as well. You’re a headhunter for the most important search of your life.
It’s as if you’ve been stricken with a strange obsessive-compulsive disorder.
It’s called New Boyfriend Syndrome.
You know what happens next?
He dumps you.
Why?
Because you changed. He liked you for you, not for this sad, faint ghost of you.
New Boyfriend Syndrome will get you dumped.
When you rush in like this to tie down a man, it’s like you’re shouting: “Pick me! Please!!” You give the impression that you’re in love with love, not with him. Your actions will make him feel you’re desperate and he’s ordinary because you’d act the same way with anyone.
Unfortunately, too many women rush toward committed relationships before gaining a clear sense of what they want out of life or what they’re looking for in a man. As one woman recently explained to me:
I can’t wait to get married. Then I’ll feel like I’m really living. Before I get married, I’m only half-alive.
Your approach to men may be undermining your ability to have a more fulfilling relationship, and if that’s the case, it’s probably impacting your sense of self-worth as well.
Even if you don’t know when Mr. Right will appear, you don’t have to feel needy. Needy people are scary, and men find excuses to avoid them.
You are the headhunter. Men are your candidates.
Don’t act like a candidate trying to earn the love of a man. You already deserve his love. Because just like I’m a headhunter for global companies, you are a headhunter as well. You’re a headhunter for the most important search of your life.
So when you have a new boyfriend, don’t obsess: “Where is he and who is he talking to??”
Rather, ask: “Does this guy measure up to my standards?”
Ultimately, he wants you to choose to be with him not because you’re desperate, but because of how special he is. And it’s only on the basis of how special he is that you as a headhunter should be evaluating him.
For a man to love you, he needs to respect you.
Don’t wait by your cellphone for your new man. Go out, have a life, and call back when it fits your schedule. Don’t rearrange your plans around him. Maintain a little bit of mystery about yourself. Your message should be: “I like you but I don’t know if you’re the right guy for me. Let’s have fun and learn more about each other.”
Allow him to “steal” you away from your busy life. Show him that you’re not interested in locking him down. In fact, the less you push for a commitment, the closer you’ll be to getting one. When a man sees that you’re happy with him but you can be just as happy without him is when he’ll never want to leave your side.
It’s good man-seduction strategy to maintain a bit of distance. But keeping a bit of distance is even more important to the overall success of your search. Because you need to consider any one man against the entire candidate universe.
Any man is just one of your many candidates.
Let multiple men chase you. At the same time. Go on hikes with men, go to museums with them, play badminton with them, volunteer with them, just have fun with them. You do not have to have sex with them all! In fact, I think you should be careful about whom you have sex with, as I’ve explained here.
Your single years are the only time in your entire life that you’ll get a chance to meet, flirt with, date a wide range of men, so don’t waste these years tied up in a series of long-term relationships.
Not only will you gain more experience with men, but you’ll also have time to yourself, embracing who you are and learning how to care for yourself. This way, you’ll be less likely to try to make someone else your everything.
As we become more mature and autonomous, we naturally begin to look for more in our relationships. Autonomy is the basis for true intimacy.
Don’t try too hard to please any man.
Don’t live by anyone else’s ideals but your own, and you’ll start to relate to men very differently. Anytime you’re too worried about someone else’s approval, that person will lose respect for you.
A headhunter is a woman who won’t obsess over anyone else’s opinion, whether that person is a man or anyone else in her life. Truly powerful people don’t explain why they want respect. They simply don’t engage someone who doesn’t give it to them.
So, don’t ever succumb to New Boyfriend Syndrome. Don’t ever meet a guy and try to insert yourself into his life.
Because you already have a life. Your life.
这样的情况听起来耳熟吗？
你是一个好女人。聪明伶俐。正在通往成功的快行道上。为同龄人所仰慕。
你遇见了一个男人，然后一下子就晕了，失衡了，缺乏安全感了。你还开始展现出怪异的行为：
这就好像你遭到强迫症的袭击一样。
这叫作新男友综合征。
不要表现得像一个候选人，想要赢得一个男人的爱。你已经值得拥有他的爱了。因为就像我是一个猎头为全球化的公司服务一样，你也是一个猎头，正在进行人生中最重要的搜索。
你知道下面会发生什么吗？
他甩了你。
为什么？
因为你变了。他喜欢原来的你，而不是这个愁眉苦脸、弱不禁风的鬼魂。
新男友综合征会让你被甩
当你这样冲进来想套牢一个男人时，你其实就像是在呐喊：“选我吧！求求你了！！”你给人的印象是你爱的是爱情，而不是他。你的行为会让他觉得你很绝望，而他很平庸，因为你可能对其他人也作出同样的行为。
不幸的是，太多女人都在明了自己想要怎样的生活、怎样的男人之前，就冲进带承诺的感情中。正如一个女人最近跟我解释的：
我想马上结婚。那样我会觉得自己是在真正地生活。结婚前，我只是半活着。
你和男人交往的方式也许会削弱你的恋爱能力，使你无法获得一个更令人满意的恋爱关系，而如果那种情况发生了，很可能也会影响你的自我价值感。
即使你不知道白马王子何时会出现，你也没必要觉得贫穷饥渴。饥渴的人是可怕的，男人会找借口躲开这样的女人。
你是猎头。男人们是你的候选人
不要表现得像一个候选人，想要赢得一个男人的爱。你已经值得拥有他的爱了。因为就像我是一个猎头为全球化的公司服务一样，你也是一个猎头，正在进行人生中最重要的搜索。
所以当你有了一个新男友时，不要缠着他不放：“他在那里？他在和谁说话？”
相反，要问：“这个男人能达到我的标准吗？”
最终，他希望你选择和他在一起不是因为你饥渴难耐，而是因为他资质超群。而且他的超群资质正是你作为猎头对他进行评价的基础。
要想让一个男人爱你，就需要他来尊重你
所以，不要守在手机旁等你的新男友。出门去，活出滋味，然后在你的日程允许的时候再回他电话。不要重新安排你的计划，以便围着他团团转。为你自己保留一点点神秘感。你要传递的信息应该是：“我是喜欢你，但我不知道你是不是适合我的男人。让我们玩得开心一点，多了解彼此一点吧。”
允许他把你从你的繁忙生活中“偷走”。展现给他看：你没兴趣把他拴得紧紧的。事实上，你越少说“承诺”这个词，你就离得到承诺的境界近一些。当一个男人看见你和他在一起时很开心、你没和他在一起时也很开心，他就再也不想把你晾在一边了。
保持一点距离，是引诱男人的好技巧。但是保持一点距离对于搜索的成功更重要。因为你需要将每个男人放在整个候选人群体中考虑。.
任何男人只是你的众多候选人中的一个
让多个男人来追求你。同时，和他们去远足，去博物馆，去打羽毛球，去当志愿者，去纯粹地玩乐。你没必要和他们所有人上床！实际上，我觉得你在和谁上床的问题上要认真考虑，正如我在这里解释的那样。
你的单身年华是你的整个生命中唯一一段可以去和各种各样的男人见面、调情、约会的时光，所以不要浪费了这些岁月，而把自己拴在一系列长期的恋爱关系中。
你不但将获得更多与男人打交道的经验，还会给自己腾出时间，拥抱自我，学会如何照顾自己。这样，你就不大可能试着把某一个人当成你的全部。
当我们变得更成熟、更自治的时候，我们自然而然会开始在感情中寻找更多的东西。自治能为真正的亲密建立基础。
不要太努力地取悦任何男人
不要依靠其他任何人的理想而活，要为你自己的理想而活。如果你严谨地执行这一点，你会开始以非常不同的方式和男人建立联系。无论何时，一旦你过分忧虑于他人的认同，那个人就会失去对你的尊重。
一个猎头不会是一个执迷于另一个人的看法以致拿头撞墙的女人，不管那个人是一个男人，还是她生活中的其他任何一个人。真正强大的人不会解释他们为什么想要尊重。他们只会干干脆脆地停止和那些不尊重他们的人交往。
所以，不要再屈从于新男友综合征了。不要再约会了一个男人、就把你自己强行插入他的生活中。
因为你已经拥有一个生活。你的生活。
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