一、省一半
A smart housewife was told that there was a kind of stove which would only consume half of the coal she was burning. She was very excited, and said: "That'll be terrific! Since one stove can save half of the coal, if I buy two, no coal will be needed!"
一位精明的家庭主妇听人说有一种炉子用起来可以比她现在用的炉子省一半的煤。她听了大为兴奋，说：“那太好了！一个炉子可以省一半的煤，那么如果我买两个炉子的话，不就可以把煤全都省下来了吗？”
二、更胜一筹
A woman got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.
The repairman decided to have a bit of fun. So he told her all she had to do was to take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.
After 15 minutes of this, a lady, one of the woman's friends came over and asked what she was doing. ″I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working.″ ″Uh... You have to roll up the windows first!"
一位女士把车撞了一个坑，于是就去修车。
修理工决定幽她一默。他告诉她，她只需把车开回家，然后从排气管里往车里吹气，直到凹陷处自己鼓起来。
这位女士如法操作了15分钟。这时，她的一位女性朋友来拜访她，并问她在做什么。“我正在试着让那个坑鼓起来，但这个办法似乎并不管用。”“嗯……你必须先把车窗摇上去！”
三、她什么都没说
A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.
The girl looked at her father and said, “It was Mom”。
"How do you know?” asked her father.
"She didn"t say anything.”
妈妈和儿子在洗盘子，爸爸和女儿则在房间里看电视。突然，响起了盘子打碎的声音，然后是一片沉寂。
女儿对爸爸说：“是妈妈。”“你怎么知道的？”爸爸问。“她什么都没说。”
四、太贵
An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shopman: "How much this stuff?"
"Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap." The lady said, "It is too much, give it to me for fourteen." "I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven."
"It is still too much," replied the old lady, "give it to me for five."
一位耳聋并且总是嫌东西太贵的老太太走进一家商店。 她问店员：“这东西要多少钱？” “七美元，太太，这是很便宜的。” 老太太说：“太贵了，十四美元差不多。” 店员忙说：“我没说十七美元，是七美元。”
“还是太贵，”老太太说：“五美元，我就买啦。”
五、你知道的
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
一个女人在去上班的路上看到在一个宠物店前有只鹦鹉站在树枝上。
鹦鹉向她说：“嘿，女士，你真的很丑。”女人感到有点生气。她怒气冲冲地接着去上班了。在回家的路上她再一次看到了那只鹦鹉，而那只鹦鹉又说道：“嘿，女士，你真的很丑。”她现在感到非常生气了。第二天这只鹦鹉又对她说：“嘿，女士，你真的很丑。”女人暴怒地走进了宠物店说她要起诉这家宠物店，要求杀死这只鸟。店员一遍又一遍地道歉并保证他绝对不会让鹦鹉再这么说了。当女人再次下班回家的时候鹦鹉又叫道：“嘿，女士。”她停下脚步问：“然后呢？”这只鹦鹉说：“你知道的。”
六、排队
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, and the line of men that dominated women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one on that line?"
The man said, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
世上的每一个人都上了天堂，神说：“要男人分成两队， 一队是在世上控制女人的男人，另一队是被女人鞭打的男人。另外女子自成一队，跟着圣彼得去。”队伍列好后，一是被女人鞭打的，有100英里长，一是在世上控制女人的，仅有一人。神生气的说：“你们男人应该感到羞耻，我按照自己的形象创造了你们，而你们被女子鞭打。看看，我唯一的儿子，站着使我自豪。你们应该向他学习。告诉他们，儿子，你如何成为唯一站在这一队上的？”这男子回说：“我不知道，我太太叫我站在这的！”
七、卡特的礼物
Kate: Mom, do you know what I'm going to give you for your birthday?
Mom: No, Honey, what?
Kate: A nice teapot.
Mom: But I've got a nice teapot.
Kate: No, you haven't. I've just dropped it.
凯特：妈妈，你知道我要给你一件什么生日礼物吗？妈妈：不知道，宝贝，是什么呀？ 凯特：一把漂亮的茶壶。妈妈：可是我已经有一把漂亮的茶壶了呀。凯特：不，你没有了。我刚刚把它给摔了。
八、超速的司机
A highway patrol officer stopped a speeding motorist. "Don't you know what the blinking lights and siren mean?" he demanded.
"Yes, sir," replied the driver.
"Then why didn't you pull over immediately?"
"I would have, officer, " the man said. "But last month my wife ran off with a policeman, and I was afraid you were bringing her back.
一位公路巡警截住了一个超速司机。“难道你不知道闪烁灯和警笛的意思吗？”他责问道。“知道，长官，”司机回答说。 “那你为什么不立即靠边停车？” “我本来想这样做的，长官。”那男子回答说，“但上个月我妻子和一位警察私奔了，我是害怕你把她带回来。”
九、谁的儿子最伟大
The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor'."
The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency'."
"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence'.
"The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God'!"
四位牧师的母亲聚到一起谈论她们的儿子。“我的儿子是个教士，”第一位母亲自豪地说道，“他进入房间，人们都说，‘您好，阁下’。” 第二位母亲说：“我的儿子是位主教。他进入房间，人们都称，‘您好，大人’。”
“我的儿子是位红衣主教，”第三位母亲接着说，“他走进房间，人们都说，‘您好，尊敬的主教大人’。”
第四位母亲略思片刻。“我的儿子身高六英尺十，体重三百磅，”她说，“他要是走入房间，人们都说‘哦，我的上帝’！”
十、慎重许愿
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
一对结婚25周年的夫妻在庆祝他们六十岁的生日。他们恰好在同一天出生。 庆祝活动中，一位仙女出现了。她说，由于他们是已经结婚25年的恩爱夫妻，因此她给许给这对夫妻每个人一个愿望。 妻子想周游世界。仙女招了招手。“呯！”的一声，她的手中出现了一张票。接下来该丈夫许愿 了。他犹豫片刻，害羞地说，“那我想要一位比我年轻30岁的女人。”仙女拾起了魔术棒。“呯！”，他变成了90岁。
