小编今天推荐的这篇文章题为 What It’s Like to Be Optimistic and Depressed at the Same Time，作者是一位抑郁症患者，或许其自我画像能为困惑者解惑一二。What It’s Like to Be Optimistic and Depressed at the Same Time乐观并抑郁着是何种体验 By Kelly Bishop文/凯利·毕晓普 Being a happy, optimistic person with depression is a strange combination. When there is talk of someone struggling with depression, most people assume they’re miserable. They can’t laugh, they can’t smile, they can’t enjoy themselves, they don’t feel happiness.抑郁伴身，却又乐观开心，这真是一个奇怪的组合。说起与抑郁症抗争的人，大部分人会以为他们一定很痛苦。他们无法开怀大笑、无法展颜微笑、无法尽享人生，他们感受不到幸福。 Depression can be enveloping, it can take over your life and dictate your mood. It can make you think irrationally and feel unreasonably and make you feel completely and utterly alone in the world. But it’s possible to be a happy person with depression.抑郁可能裹挟一切，它可能掌控你的生活、左右你的情绪。它可能使你无法理性思考、无法冷静感知，并让你感到自己在这世上彻底陷入孤立无援。但其实，人有可能身患抑郁却也开开心心的。 I’m one of those people.我就是这样一个人。 I am a naturally sad person. I can’t help it — it’s just who I am. No matter how much fun I may be having, or how happy I may feel, there is a permanent sadness lingering in the back of my mind. But I’ve learned to live with it.我天生悲观。我总是情不自禁地悲伤难过——我就是这样一个人。我也许玩得很开心、也许感到很幸福，但无论多开心、多幸福，在我脑海深处，恒久的悲伤依然挥之不去。但是，我学会了与之共处。 I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will never feel as blissful as I once did when I was very young. I will always know too much and feel too much and hurt too much. I have a freakishly broad range of emotions and they can be hard to live with at times. But even though I’m a naturally sad person deep down, it doesn’t mean I can’t feel acute happiness and intense optimism. I am in a good mood a lot of the time. Even if I’m not, I’m able to get myself there and at the very least appear to be in one.我已经接受了这个事实：我永远不可能再像小时候那般无忧无虑了。我这辈子总会知道太多、感受太深，也会伤得太重。我的情绪异常多变，有时真让人受不了。但即便我是个骨子里生来悲观的人，也并不意味着我无法感受到极度的欢乐和强烈的乐观情绪。很多时候，我心情都不错。即便心情不好的时候，我也能说服自己，让自己看起来像个一点儿也不难过的人。
(Credit: themighty.com) I don’t like feeling sad and being in a bad mood and I don’t like others to witness me in a bad mood. There is a really fucked up, dark side of me that I don’t like people to see. I can obviously relate to someone who has an unknown source dictating their emotions without their control. It’s horribly frustrating and leaves you feeling defeated and broken.我不喜欢悲伤的感受和糟糕的心情，也不喜欢他人看到我心情不好。那非常混乱、黑暗的一面，我不希望别人看到。我很能理解情绪无法自控的人，个中缘由往往无从知晓。这真的让人沮丧不已，令人一蹶不振、痛不欲生。 Depression is a war within your own mind and it feels as though you are constantly losing. But I still refuse to let my depression control me. I refuse to let it put me in a permanently sorrow state. I refuse to let it affect the people around me (for the most part). I’m someone who is passionate and loves to laugh and smile and have a good time and I’m not going to ever let depression take that away from me.抑郁症是在你内心进行的一场战争，你会感觉自己一直在输。但我还是不让我的抑郁控制我。我不让它置我于长久的悲伤状态。我（尽量）不让它影响到我周围的人。我是一个热情洋溢的人，爱大笑，爱微笑，会享乐，我决不会让抑郁夺走我拥有的这一切。 It’s a very odd combination to live with, that’s for sure. When I have revealed to people I struggle with depression, spent time in therapy and toyed with the idea of taking antidepressants for quite some time, they’re usually surprised. I don’t mope, I still smile and appear to be genuinely happy almost all the time — and that means I can’t have depression in their eyes.有一点毋庸置疑，开心与抑郁共存非常奇怪。每当我告诉别人我患有抑郁症，花了时间治疗，曾经很长一段时间没有认真考虑服用抗抑郁药物，他们通常都很惊讶。我并不因此闷闷不乐，我仍会微笑，看起来真的很快乐，几乎没有不开心的时候——而那意味着，在他们眼中，我不可能患上抑郁症。 But it’s what’s going on on the inside that really matters. And that is what no one can see. They don’t see how I am when I’m by myself. They don’t see any dark thoughts. How could the idea of suicide ever enter someone’s head who is always so cheery? Well, I’m here to tell you that just because you don’t see that darkness and gloominess on the outside, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist somewhere deep on the inside.但真正重要的是一个人内心所经历的一切，而那是无人能见的。他们看不到我独处的样子。他们也看不到任何悲观的想法。一个总是那么开心的人，怎么会产生自杀的念头？嗯，此刻我告诉你，那是因为，你无法从外表看见悲观和阴郁，并不意味着它们在内心深处的某个地方就不存在。 Those who can feel the saddest and most fucked up feelings can also experience the most joyful and elated feelings. I appreciate what is around me more, and I can sympathize more with others who are in pain. Pretty much, you don’t have to appear wounded on the outside to actually be wounded on the inside. I’m happy, I’m positive, I’m optimistic and I’m depressed. But I live with it. The world is both a beautiful yet hauntingly dark place. And we have no choice but to accept that, right?那些能感受最悲伤、最混乱情绪的人，也能体验最欢愉、最振奋的情绪。正因此，我会更好地欣赏我周围的一切，也能给予那些在痛苦中挣扎的人更多的同情。可以这么说，即便内心确实伤痕累累，外表也无须表露无疑。我开心，我积极，我乐观，同时我也抑郁。不过，我与抑郁共存。这世界就是个美丽却又阴森的所在。我们除了接受别无选择，不是吗？ 翻译：北京化工大学 张菊英文朗读：北大附中高中部2023届毕业生 张心怡
