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How do you cope with the lose of a spouse. My wife died 2 weeks ago and I'm having trouble dealing with it.

She passed away after a long illness. But she did die with a smile. I did CPR for 30 minutes until the ambulance came, but she was too far gone. I just can't get that picture out of my memory.

Asked byMuttley 66 months ago

Recent Questions About:cope lose spouse wife died weeks ago trouble dealing

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Answer from tuppence

3 people found this helpful

You are having trouble dealing with it because you loved her.

It should be hard. It would only be easy if you hadn't cared about her.

And so, for a little while, you will go day to day and wish for the evening, and then wish for the morning and the pain is going to be there for awhile. You'll be braced for the big things, like Christmas and her birthday....and yours...but you won't be braced for the song you hear in the mall or the grocery store that brings back a memory. You won't be braced for a million tiny things that will pierce like bee stings on an open wound.

There will come a time when that wound won't be bleeding anymore. There will always be a 'wife shaped' hole in your heart, but at least it won't bleed.

And until then, reach out when you can. To family, to support groups, to old friends, or even to strangers like this. Do what you can do, when you can do it and just keep the bills paid! I am sure some of the other people here will know of support groups, but if that is not your way, don't feel guilty. If you refuse to mourn, it will eat away at you. And, then, if you refuse to allow healing, that will be just as bad. Each thing in its own time, and don't feel guilty or angry at yourself for the way the feelings will come and go.

Walk through it. At least don't be afraid of this time. It's horrible; it's awful; but it's do-able.

And if people are trying to help, let them when you can. Don't cut ties and become a hermit. You need the contact, even if it's only a little at first.

God bless you.

tuppence 66 months ago

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Answer from ChicagoTRS

4 people found this helpful

It will take a lot of time.

First of all I am very sorry to hear about your loss. I can only imagine how heart breaking it can to lose a partner like that.

Mainly it is just going to take time and you will need to experience the emotions. Grieving is a process...there really are no shortcuts. I would suggest reading about the process so you kind of understand what you are going through and it is very normal to be depressed for a time and have a hard time for awhile. Here is a good article on the stages of grief:

http://www.hns.org/Portals/1/Stages%20of%20Grief.pdf

Lean on your friends and family. Try to ge out a little and socialize to take your mind off of things for a little bit. From your profile it sounds like you are relatively young so I assume your spouse was also young which makes this all the more difficult when someone is taken from us before their time. It is ok to think about your spouse and remember her...but also think about how she would want you to go on and be happy.

You might think about talking to a professional counselor. I found it really helps to talk to a neutral party...someone to help you through the process. Some other suggestions:

Embrace gentleness. Your body and soul need repair.

Accept help when offered and seek help if a problem is unresolved.

Give your body rest. When possible, go to bed earlier.

Get together with friends and meet new people. Focusing on others will help you deal with the pain. Holidays and special occasions are difficult, so lean on your family and friends for support.

Be patient. If you feel depressed for awhile, it is okay.

Look for comforting activities. Learn to express your feelings, talk, write, sing, exercise, and cry. Learn more about grief recovery; a greater understanding helps us cope.

Good nutrition is important. Avoid junk food.

I found journaling and writing down my feelings can help you recover.

Good luck with your situation. Be strong but understand what you are going through is a normal reaction to a very difficult situation. Private message me if you just need a neutral party to just read an email or ask a question or just listen.

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ChicagoTRS 66 months ago

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Answer from Pete_Lee

3 people found this helpful

Get professional help--and soon!

Decades of observing medical professionals who experience higher amounts of trauma and death (e.g., EMTs, ER docs/nurses, etc.) as part of their has told us one thing: getting support after being a part of an experience involving death is key. Higher rates of substance abuse and burnout have been observed in these groups, and only began to drop after we admitted that even doctors are human :-)

I can pass that same consideration to you, especially because the passing of your wife was sudden. Get the support of considerate family and friends, and strongly consider (at a minimum) meeting with a grief and loss counselor, if not a Ph.D-level psychologist. If your family has a history of substance abuse of any kind, you're especially advised to seek out professional help.

There is no shame in the fact that you will grieve for a while over the loss of your wife: this is a part of the human experience that society, perhaps, fails to discuss frequently enough.

Pete_Lee 66 months ago

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Answer from Doglover928

2 people found this helpful

It will take a long time to heal, but someday you will find that it gets a little easier each day.

I have not had the experience of having a spouse die, but I have a close friend whose wife died 6 months ago. Actually they were both my friends. She was my lunch or movie buddy, and I had known them since our kids were young, which was a long time ago. He is not coping well at all, and I try to visit him and have him go out with us. Sometimes he does, but mostly he stays at home. He worked before, but has not gone back to work, which I believe would be SO beneficial to him. I just feel helpless.

I cannot imagine the feeling, and from your profile, I am guessing that you are far too young to have to experience this tragedy. I understand what you are saying about getting the picture out of your mind. I went through an experience a year ago and almost died on the table having a colonoscopy done. Actually they didn’t even do it, as I had a reaction to the anesthesia. I woke up to everyone calling my name and "Code Blue". I was fortunate to be okay afterwards, but I did suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I would not be at all surprised if you are going through the same thing.

I sincerely hope that you are seeing a therapist or grief counselor. There are groups too, of course, from which you could benefit. Of course it is so soon that you may need a little time, but I hope you will do it soon.

You sound like a really smart guy with a lot of interests, and owning your own business should be helpful when you feel like working again. I hope it is a business where you are around people who care about you and will be helpful in your mourning period. Keep as busy as you can and let your friends be there for you. Believe me, they want to be. It makes them feel needed and will help you in the long run. Try to be around people that you are really close to and can be yourself - people that will understand and be supportive when you fall apart.

I hope that you have a good family that is close to you both emotionally and geographically.

I will pray for your healing. Rely on your friends and family for help at this time. As dark as things seem right now, they will become a little bit brighter and brighter as time goes on. She will always remain in your heart.

Sources: My thoughts on your healing

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Some of these books may be helpful to you in dealing with your loss.

Doglover928 66 months ago

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Answer from Shasha

2 people found this helpful

I would think you could celebrate maybe that she is in heaven and that someday you will be able to see her...

for eternity there. That you can still talk with her by prayer. Heaven is supposed to be better than earth. Know that she will not have to suffer more. I think it would be hard especially when you love someone so much and then you are all alone by yourself. She would want you to be happy on this earth. George Burns talked to his wife everyday after she died. I think you need to do things in honor of her and keep busy. I wish I was loved me, that much that it would make a difference if I died. You can maybe help hospice and other families going through this also. You can carry out her good works on this earth or help people with her illness. Be of service to others. Keep being with people. Best wishes.

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