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十件不应告诉儿子的事,即使很多父母做了!

【睿妈语】大家知道睿妈家是个女儿,后台经常有睿友问睿妈儿子怎么教育,希望多一些教育男孩的文章。今天看到这篇最新翻译的文章,立刻申请给大家分享哈。看看是不是有启发?

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现在是21世纪,从多年以来的旧电视和杂志广告显示,“宝贝,我们已经做了很多!”好吧……也许并非如此。尽管我们想要相信,我们已经在定义性别方面获得巨大的进步,可是似乎还没有达到我们想象的那么多。或许,谈谈我们教给孩子的日常细节和非细节的指示,是最好的例证。


可能我们并不想面对,但是事实确实如此。即使在如今的2015年,我们中的很多人扔抱有一些明显的性别歧视思想,尤其是关于我们期待自己的孩子扮演什么样的角色。这些思想不仅不应得到支持,也相当模式化,已经落伍了,实际上,还可能会以个人方式带来危害。有一本书提出了用无性别的方法来培养孩子的观点:Christia Spears Brown 的《超越粉色和蓝色的养育之道:怎样突破性别模式培养孩子》。下面列出了10件日常小事,家长们该为告诉过他们感到惭愧,尽管我们也不知道应该怎样传达信息才能更加突破性别模式。

1.男孩不能哭

这条位于首位。这不仅是错误观点和性别歧视,还是不健康的。在接二连三的研究中,能证明压抑情感可导致身体疾病的证据已堆积如山。这些负面的身体症状和疾病大部分肯定都没有性别倾向。哭泣是一种非常健康、适宜的方法,来发泄内心深处更剧烈的悲伤、恐惧和忧郁。如果我们告诉他应该忍住不哭,这些负面情绪能伤害到每个人,包括我们心爱的儿子。


2.别像个女孩


尽管与上一条告诉男孩不哭相似,但是这条涵盖的范围更广,并更清晰地把行为分成了不同性别种类。我们应该感恩,我们没有生活在过去那个时代,在那时。有些势力强大的社会并没有坚持让男孩和女孩一生都应该按照金科玉律来做。再者,我们可可以请在精神健康领域的专家来证实,让小孩子选择参与另一种性别的活动并没有坏处。爱玩得脏兮兮的女孩子以后并不会变得更强势。同样的,如果我们的儿子更喜欢创造或者户内活动,而对那些一般男孩子喜欢的游戏不太感兴趣,也绝对不必引起警觉。


3.长大了要像父亲


如果这听起来对父亲来说有点不好受,我感到抱歉。不过,在儿子的一生中,这世上还有许多比爸爸更合适的模范。我们许多人都能有幸知道许多成功的男性和女性,他们才是彻头彻尾的伟大之人。有些父亲并没有在儿子的生命中充当意义重大、积极的角色。把孩子培养成一个迷你版的父亲或者其他人,并不是重点,就此事而论,应该鼓励孩子们选择做独一无二的自己。


4.如果有人打你,你要知道怎么还击


别人错了,不等于你对了。没人想看到自己的孩子以任何方式被人利用,所以就教孩子应该握起拳头进行反击,尽管如此,即使孩子是在学校后院的打闹中进行自卫的情况下,这也并不是父母能给男孩的最好的建议。选择讲清楚道理而不诉诸武力来自卫,决不羞耻。在拳脚相交之前,教导孩子解决问题的技巧,决不羞耻!


5.男孩必须坚强


不一定要这样。作为坚强的反面,脆弱也有具有吸引力的地方。脆弱中也有勇气。尽管我们看到许多模式化的行为和反应,也有一些人已经认识到,有时表现出脆弱能使人更亲近。我们不妨告诉儿子,要做一个有人性的人,不必为假装做一块坚硬的“岩石”,感到压力。


6.男孩不必表达感情


呀!一直以来,能帮助我们赢得更多认可和重要性,以建立成功的关系。我们不必把这从私人生活延伸到工作场所。如果我们要有意义、有目的地与他人分享我们的生活,学习合适的公开表达感情,是我们能学到的最有价值的事之一。给儿子一个轻松的表达情感的方法,让他们觉得,抑制情感并不是什么非做不可的事,这对孩子才是有益无害的。


7.男孩总是男孩


这也许是真的,可是,如果是这样,也许是因为,我们给孩子的是错误的建议。实际上,男孩会成为男人,继续允许那些基于先入之见的、扎根于某人性别中的观念的行为,是很不好的。如果我们让儿子知道,我们持有强大的、先入之见的观念,比如使用类似“男孩总是男孩”这样的表达,那就是在给孩子打造模型,阻止他们成为自己。


8.所有女孩都想找有钱人


这种想法有很多问题。首先,我们说话时使用“所有”或“只”这些字眼,对培养孩子没有帮助。这是灌输模式思维的一种类型,会让人们更疏离,而不是更亲近。尽管有的女人寻找有钱人资助她们,而有的女人却相反,会找那种帮助她们发展自己事业的男人。这会是个好主意,你可以回想一下,你自己小时候是在什么情况下接触了这种思想,而你现在真的还相信你灌输的这些负面思想吗?你也许会发现,你已经长大,你自己都不再相信这些负面的性别形象,甚至一点都不实用。


9.越多越好


尽管有时经济不景气,我们仍生活在一个物质高度发达的世界,。如果我们教导儿子,一个男人的价值是由财富来衡量的,那么就贬低了其它不应被忽视的因素:品质和人格。尽管教导儿子自力更生,服务社会,非常重要,帮助他们看到金钱和物质以外的东西也很重要。没有人证明过拥有最多玩具的人就是胜利者。实际上,一些世上最重要的人并不是因为财富和物质而出名,而是他们的善心和利他主义。



10.找到一个漂亮的女孩


对一个男人来说,有许多其它的品质比坚强和养家糊口更重要,同样的,除了莱坞明星和芭比娃娃的美貌以外,还有许多因素可以让一个人美丽动人。帮助男孩认识到他们自己觉得什么样的品质和性格最讨人喜欢,是很重要的。比如,他们可能喜欢一个善于运动的人,善于倾听者,又或者是一个在学习上很聪明的人。让儿子自己决定他们觉得什么样的人吸引人,这是我们能给他的最好的礼物。


教导儿子,人们是一种更重视相同,而非差异的民族,这样,我们不仅自己会成为更好的个体,在时机成熟,和不同生活领域的人合作时,你也能准备更加充分。



附:英文原文

10 Things You Should Never Tell Your Sons Even Though Many People Do

BY JUDY GOLDMAN


This is the 21st century and as the old television and magazine commercial from many years ago indicates, ‘we’ve come a long way, baby.’ Well… maybe not! It seems that although we want to believe we have made tremendous strides when it comes to stereotyping the sexes, we may not have come as far as we think we have. Perhaps nowhere can this be more proven than when it comes to the everyday subtle or not-so-subtle instructions we give our own children.


We may not want to face it, but it is true. Many of us still, even in 2015 carry some pretty sexist thoughts, especially when it comes to the roles that we expect our children to carry on. Not only are they unsupported and quite stereotypically outdated, they may actually be harmful in a personal way. One book that tackles ways to parent children in a gender-free way is Christia Spears Brown Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue: How to Raise Your Kids Free of Gender Stereotypes. Below is a list of 10 everyday things we are guilty of telling our sons, even though we shouldn’t along with strategies for how to send a more stereotype-free message.


1. Boys don’t cry

This one tops the list. Not only is it incorrect and sexist, it is unhealthy. Evidence continues to pile up in study after study that links physical illness with repression of emotions. These negative physical symptoms and ailments most definitely do not show any preference for genders. Crying is a very healthy and appropriate way to release some deeper and more intense sadness, fear and grief and it harms everybody, including our beloved sons, if we instill inhibitions for crying in them.


2. Don’t act like a girl

Although similar to telling our sons not to cry, this is much wider in its scope and much more clearly separates behaviors into gender-type categories. We should be grateful that we no longer live in a time when there are some powerful societies that do not hold to any fast and steady rules for what girls and boys are supposed to do throughout their lives. Once again, we can call on professionals in the field of mental health profession to back up that there is no harm in young children choosing one activity over another. Girls who play in dirt don’t turn out to be more aggressive later in life. Similarly, if our sons prefer creativity or more domestic activities than ‘traditional’ male interests, there is absolutely no cause for alarm.


3. Grow up to be just like daddy

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh on fathers, but there are other models in the lives of our sons who may very well be more appropriate than daddy. Many of us are fortunate to know both men and women who are highly successful and just all-around great people. There are some dads that choose not to play a significantly positive role in their son’s lives. The emphasis should not be on creating a little mini version of dad or any other person, for that matter, but rather to encourage them the choice to be their unique and individual selves.


4. If anybody starts a fight with you, you need to know how to fight back

Two wrongs do not make a right. While none of us wants to see our children taken advantage of in any way, instilling the need to raise up hands to fight, even in the case of self-defense in a school-yard brawl, may not be the best advice parents can give their young boys. There is absolutely no shame in choosing to talk things out rather than resorting to aggression as a defense. There is absolutely no shame in teaching problem resolution skills before we each how to throw a hook or an uppercut.


5. Boys have to be tough

Not necessarily. There is something quite appealing about vulnerability which can be seen as the opposite of being tough. There is a lot of courage in vulnerability. Although we still see a lot of the stereotypical behaviors and reactions, there are those that already realize that some vulnerability brings people closer together to one another. Teaching our sons that it is okay to be human and not have to feel the pressure of pretending to be the “rock” is a good choice.


6. Boys don’t have to express their feelings

Yikes! Communication is gaining more and more recognition and significance in successful relationships all the time. We don’t have to go far to see it in the workplace as well as in our personal lives. Learning to express feelings openly and appropriately is one of the most valuable things we can learn if we are to share our lives with others in a meaningful and purposeful way. By giving our sons an easy way out and letting them think it is not something they have to work on, we are doing much more harm than good.


7. Boys will be boys

This may be true, but if it is, perhaps it is because of poor advice that we provide them with. Boys will actually be men, and it is not a good idea to continue to permit behaviors based on a preconceived notion of acceptance that is grounded in someone’s gender. When we let our sons know that we already hold strong, preconceived notions, such as indicated by expressions such as this, we are setting the mold for them and preventing them from being themselves.


8. All girls want is a rich man

There are many problems with this type of thinking. First, we are not helping raise children when we speak in absolutes such as “all” or “only.” It is that type of thinking that perpetuates stereotypical thinking and keeps us apart rather than brings us together. While there may be some women looking for a man to support them, there also are women who are looking for the exact opposite, a man who will help them further their own careers. It is a good idea to think about where, as a child, you yourself developed this type of thinking and rethink whether you still truly believe the negative advice you are spewing. Perhaps you will find that you have outgrown some of these negative gender images yourself and that even you don’t feel they apply.


9. More is better

We live in a world that is highly materialistic even though times may be rough economically. By teaching our sons that a man’s value is measured by his financial wealth, we devalue other characteristics and qualities that ought not go unnoticed. While it is important to teach our children how to become independent and contribute to society, it is important to help them see value in things other than money and objects. Nobody has proven that the one with the most toys wins. In fact, some of the world’s most important people are not known for their wealth and materialism, but their philanthropy and altruism.


10. Look for a cute girl

Just like there are many other qualities to a man than toughness and being the breadwinner, there are many things that can make a person attractive other than looking like a Hollywood star or Barbie doll. It is important to help our sons learn what qualities and characteristics they personally find attractive such as a someone good in sports or a great listener or maybe even one who is smart or clever when it comes to academics. Letting our sons decide for themselves what type of person they find themselves attractive to is a wonderful gift we can give them.


By teaching our sons that people are people – that it is more important to focus in on our similarities rather than our differences, we not only become better people individually, but when the time is right for us to partner with others in different aspects of our lives, we are better prepared to do so.


注:翻译:Daisy 英文来源:www.lifehack.org/ 转载自:智慧妈妈子女教育俱乐部(id:zhihuimama345)版权为原作者所有,睿妈已经获得授权转发;图片来自百度图片,如有侵犯请联系睿妈尽快删除。


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