如何对别人说“不”

在1997年的苹果全球开发者大会上，斯蒂芬?乔布斯(Steve Jobs)被问及为什么他要放弃一项在座不少人都倾其心血开发的软件。他是如此回答的：

“你必须得说不、不、不，但当你说‘不’的时候，你就会惹人生气。”

原因在于，他说：“集中精力做一件事就意味着对其他事说不。”

其实，这一道理适用于我们每一个人。

要想在生活中取得任何成就，我们必须集中精力，而集中精力就要求我们学会说“不”。 

必须使用“不”这个字来自我保护

不过，对我们当中的很多人来说，说“不”并非易事。因为在今天这个时刻在线的网络世界，变化更快，压力也与日俱增，这意味着每个人都必须承担得更多。我们面临着更多的工作、更多的责任和更多的截止期限。

因此，我们陷入了重复说“是”的圈套之中。

但是当我们不断地超负荷工作、背负着试图完成所有任务的重压时，我们在生活中却永远不会获得成功。

这是一个无论男女都需要面对的难题，尤其体现在许多女性朋友的身上。因为说“不”似乎与之前我们接受的所有教诲都相左，我们一直被要求做个能使他人开心的人。毕竟，我们最不想听到的评价就是“自私自利”。

但是回首往事，我发现每次我感觉不知所措或是困扰不堪之时，都正是我对别人说了太多“是”之际──这其中既有我的普通朋友、前男友，也有我曾任职的公司。我曾经一度受困于点头称是的惯性迷局中，从而将自己陷入了一段极具毁灭性的、长期的感情之中。如果当时，我一开始就把这个简单得不能再简单的“不”字说出口的话，我不仅可以节省大笔的时间，还可以免受不少痛苦。

威廉?尤里博士(William Ury)向哈佛法学院的学生和联合国维和士兵都教授过有关协商技巧的课程。在他所着的《积极说“不”的力量》(The Power of a Positive No)一书中，他写道：“我们必须使用‘不’这个字来进行自我保护，并捍卫那些我们在乎的事和人。但是众所周知的是，不恰当的拒绝可能会疏远和激怒他人，进而毁掉我们最珍视的东西。”

这就是别生硬地说“不”显得很重要的原因，我们应该学习的是该如何有效地拒绝别人。

如何说“不”

说“不”的诀窍在于温和却又坚定。

1. 分清轻重缓急。说“不”的第一步是搞清楚在你的生活中到底什么是至关重要的事情。你越执着于生活中的重点，说“不”就会越简单。

2. 要心存感激。通常别人来向你求助是因为他们信任你并且相信你有帮助他们的能力。和颜悦色地拒绝别人将显示出你并不是在拒绝这个人，而只是针对这件事。

3. 要简明扼要。我自己就经常犯这个错误──一个劲儿地为说“不”而向别人道歉，以至于最终会说服自己答应别人的要求。由此我明白了一个道理，你绝不需要为自己该做的事情而道歉。在解释什么对你而言至关重要而使你无法满足对方的要求时，一句话足矣。

4. 肯定-否定-肯定式拒绝法。尤里博士建议在拒绝他人时，采用一种新颍的肯定-否定-肯定式拒绝方法。首先，告诉对方你自己的理由（比如“我母亲和我在周六早晨一直有共享早餐的惯例”）。接着，表达你的拒绝（“所以我不能帮你准备午餐会”）。最后以一个肯定性的新替代方案结尾（“但是我很乐意在午餐会结束后帮你打扫”）。

5. 在答复前三思而后行。这是另一个我自己也经常犯的错误。每当别人有求于我的时候，我的本能反应就是“当然，这件事交给我没问题”。要避免迫于压力仓促同意，或是对他人的请求感情用事，应在答复请求前花几个小时或是一天的时间考虑一下。想清楚其中的利害关系、你真正要付出的代价以及同意这个请求是否合情合理。

6. 坚持己见。在你说“不”后，即使对方勃然大怒或者情绪冲动，你都不能妥协。相反，认真听取对方的意见，然后冷静地重述自己拒绝的立场。做到态度坚定，不要退缩。

7. 先发制人。在我们的生活中，总有一些人永无止境地提出各种无理要求。对付这些人，你得先发制人地直陈你当前的重中之重。如果这个人是你的老板，首先应该与他或她就你的工作范围达成共识，如果你的老板提出更多要求，要提醒他或她你们之前的共识。

“不”有改变我们生活的魔力

当我们学会了如何巧妙地说“不”时，就会有奇妙的事情发生：

生活将变得更加轻松自如。我们的生活将更为和谐，因为生活中的点点滴滴都将赋予我们活力，而不会使我们精疲力竭。

我们将变得更加自信。实际上，说“不”将增加我们在生活中的自信。因为当我们掌控了自己的生活后，我们将不再为他人的观点而感到惴惴不安。

我们将更加成功。我们将在方方面面都更为成功，因我们可以将精力集中在更少的事情上，做到精益求精。并且通过专注自我需求，我们将能更加得心应手地帮助自己和他人。

在数不胜数的有关提高效率和时间管理的妙招中，说“不”是首屈一指的选择。

我们可以把这个技巧运用在生活的各个方面。诸如，当他人要我们选择适合他们、但违背我们自己价值观的生活方式而向我们施压的时候，或者当他人强迫或试图掌控我们的时候，我们可以学着优雅而坚定地说“不”。

“不”是我们打开通往更多快乐和生活真谛大门的钥匙

相较于对说“不”习以为常而出名的乔布斯，大多数人都和他不一样。对于大多数人来说，说“不”需要练习和勇气。毕竟，你可能担心友情会被伤害，或是被当作一个让别人心灰意冷的坏人，你可能还怕被冠上冷漠无情的帽子。

实际上，上述担忧恰好证明了你的慷慨和同理心，这些都是难能可贵的品质。但是请记住，平衡好自己“取悦他人”和“实干家”的角色，你才能更加自信和快乐。

具有讽刺意味的是，当我们学会说“不”后，人际关系事实上将得到改善。当我们让身边的人知道我们尊重自己之时，他们将反过来尊重你并更欣赏你。我们得教他人如何对待我们。

“不”这个字赋予我们驾驭自己生活的能力。“不”将为我们的生活注入更多快乐和真谛，因为它能使我们得到解脱，从而去关注那些我们最珍视的人和事。

*读者朋友，在你的生活中，你有没有后悔当初应该对哪件事或哪个人说“不”？如果你当时那么做的话，现在你的生活将有何不同？

拒绝什么是你曾经做过的最为难的事情？

Joy Chen

At the 1997 Apple Worldwide Developer Conference, Steve Jobs was asked why he slashed a program that some in the audience had worked hard on. This is how he responded:

'You've got to say No, No, No and when you say No you piss off people.'

The reason, he said, is that 'Focusing is about saying No.'

Well, it's the same for each of us as individuals. 

To accomplish anything in life, we need focus, and that requires learning to say no.

'No' is the word we must use to protect ourselves

For many of us, though, this presents a problem. Because in today's always-on, wired world, change just gets faster, and the pressure just gets more intense, for each of us to take on more. More work, more obligations, more deadlines. 

And so we fall into the trap of constantly saying Yes.

But when we're constantly overworked and overstressed from the strain of trying to do it all, we'll never be successful in our lives. 

This is a problem that weighs on both men and women, but it's a special problem for many of us who are women. Because saying No seems to go against all that we've ever been taught, which is to please other people. After all, the last thing we'd want is to be called selfish! 

But as I look back, I see that every time I've felt lost or stuck is when I've said Yes too much to someone else - a friend, a boyfriend, a company I worked for. Once I got so stuck into the pattern of Yes that I got mired in a destructive long-term relationship.It would have saved me so much time and grief if I'd just said that one little word - No - at the start.

Dr. William Ury teaches negotiations at Harvard Law School and to U.N.peacekeepers, and in his book The Power of a Positive No, he writes: 'No is the word we must use to protect ourselves and to stand up for everything and everyone that matters to us. But as we all know, the wrong No can also destroy what we most value by alienating and angering people.'

That's why it's so important not simply to say no, but to learn to do so effectively. 

How to say 'No'

The trick to saying No is be warm but firm.

1. Prioritize. To say no, the first step is to be clear on what exactly are your priorities in life. The more firmly you're connected to your Yes, the easier it will be to say No.

2. Be appreciative. Usually when people ask for your help, it's because they trust you and believe in your ability to help them. Being kind will show that you're not rejecting the person. 

3. Be brief. I've often made the mistake of so profusely apologizing for saying No that I eventually talked my way into saying Yes! I've since learned that you never need to apologize for doing what's right for you. One sentence is enough to explain what you're saying Yes to which prevents you from fulfilling their request.

4. Yes-No-Yes. Dr. Ury suggests offering a creative Yes-No-Yes solution. First, share what you're currently saying Yes to ('My mother and I always go out for breakfast on Saturday mornings'). Then say No ('So I won't be able to help you set up for your luncheon.'). Finish with a new Yes ('But I'd be happy to help clean up after it's over'). 

5. Take time before responding. This is another mistake I've often made. When approached with a request, my instinctive reaction has been 'Sure, I can do that!' To avoid saying Yes under pressure, or reacting emotionally to a request, take a few hours or a day before responding. Figure out whose interests are at stake, what's really being asked of you, and whether it makes sense to say Yes.

6. Be firm. Even if the other person gets angry or emotional after you've said No, don't yield. Instead, listen attentively, then calmly restate your No. Keep it simple and firm, and don't backpedal.

7. Be pre-emptive. We've all had certain people in our lives who consistently make unreasonable demands. With them, act proactively by stating upfront what it is that you're focused on. If it's your boss, agree with her how you should be spending your time, and if she piles on more requests, then refer to your earlier conversation.

'No' has the power to transform our lives

When we learn to say No properly, wonderful things will happen:

Our lives will have less pressure and stress. Our lives will feel more balanced because each area of our lives gives us strength rather than saps our strength.

We'll become more self-confident. The act of saying No actually gives us confidence in life. Because when we take charge of our lives, we'll stop being so preoccupied with other people's opinions.

We'll be more successful. We'll be more successful in all that we do because we're focused on doing fewer things and doing those well. And by addressing our own needs, we'll gain the strength we need to do more for ourselves and others. 

In a world full of productivity and time-management tips, the word No is the best productivity and time-management tip of all. 

And we can use this skill in all areas of our lives. For example, when other people give us pressure to live our lives in a way which suits them but which goes against our own values.Or when other people bully us and try to control us.We can learn to say No with grace and strength.

'No' is the key to greater joy and purpose in our lives

Most of us are not like Steve Jobs, who famously was accustomed to saying (or shouting) No. For most of us, saying No takes practice, and courage. After all, you may worry about jeopardizing a friendship. Or about being a bad person by letting someone down. Or you may worry about getting a reputation for being unhelpful.

Worrying about all these things actually speaks well of your generosity and empathy, and those are wonderful qualities to have.But remember that by balancing your 'pleaser' and 'doer' tendencies, you'll be stronger and happier. 

The irony is that when we learn to say No, our relationships with other people actually will improve. When we let people know that we respect ourselves, people will respect and like us more. We teach people how to treat us.

The word No puts us in charge of our lives. It infuses our lives with more joy and more purpose because it frees us to focus on the people and things that we value the most. 

*Can you think of something - or someone - in your life that you wish you had said No to? How would your life be different now if you had?

What's the hardest thing you've ever said No to?