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六点让你轻松甩掉痛苦的过往

有多少次你发现自己正处于朋友抱怨他们的痛苦曾经的谈话中?过去的故事已经是“破唱片”被人们反复提起,即使有上百上千的道歉都无法让它从你脑海中拂去。为什么人们会对它恋恋不忘?更重要的是,我们可以做点什么真正甩掉这些痛苦的过往呢?

其实是这么回事:当有人提起他的过去,那说明现在有些东西他想得到或需要。过去就是他们现在所需的证明。过去的回忆本质上是当下的问题,这就是为什么道歉永远无法让我们甩掉过去的原因。

Regardless of what happened before, the person bringing up the past is feeling something similar now. They may feel hurt, unloved, insecure, misunderstood, or distrustful right now just like they felt before. They are trying to communicate to you what they need right now. Most likely, what they need is for you to understand how they feel in the present or what they need to change.

不论过去发生了什么,提起它的人是在目前受到了与过去相似的感觉。他们当前或许感觉受伤,不被人爱,缺乏安全感,被误解或是怀疑什么。这些感受必定在过去经历过。他们正在试图告诉你他现在需要什么。他们更有可能需要你去理解他们当前的感受,努力寻求改变的东西。

Unfortunately, many people do not communicate their needs directly. Some people may not even know what they need. Instead, many people express their needs in the form of complaints. “I need more attention” may come out as, “You never spend time with me,” which would naturally cause you to feel defensive. But defending yourself won’t work because the issue isn’t really about you.

不幸地是,许多人并不能直接地表达自己的需要。一些人甚至不知道自己需要什么。所以就出现某些人通过抱怨来表达自己的需求。他本意“我需要被更多地关注”,就会以“你从来不花时间陪我”这样的抱怨表达给他人。而当你听到这样的抱怨,你会认为他是在针对你而让你变得更加为自己辩护。但事实上维护自己根本对他不起效果,因为这句话的矛头并不是你。

If you say, “I spend time with you,” get ready for the evidence to show up. “No, you don’t. We were going to spend Sunday together but you ended up spending all day working on your car. And last week, you worked late almost every night. You know this is just like when you promised me that we were going to go on vacation three years ago but we never went because you were too busy” Here comes the dreaded past again …  the one thing you can never live down.

如果你说:“我明明花时间陪你了呀!”那么请做好心理准备,他将用证据证明你没有:“你根本没有。我们本来打算一起过周末可你一整天都在修理你的车。还有上周你几乎每晚都加班到深夜。就和三年前一样,你答应我去度假,但我们后来都没有去过就因为你太忙了”。好吧,恐怖的过去又被提起了,根本无法被人遗忘。

But you can live it down by getting to the present. Here’s how:
但是你可以通过回到现实回到当下来甩掉过去。下面就是如何做的几条:

1. Validate and acknowledge the past. Whatever the other person is upset about, own it and take responsibility even if you don’t agree. “I promised you that trip and I shouldn’t have broken my promise,” or “I worked on the car and didn’t spend time with you.” The sooner you own it, the faster you will get to the next step of solving the current problem. You have to acknowledge the other person’s hurt in order for them to feel safe that you understand what hurt them and trust that they won’t get hurt again. The sooner you own it, the sooner you can heal it.

1.承认并肯定过去。无论别人对过去那件事多么抱怨,承认它发生过,即使你不同意他人的说法也要勇敢担负起责任来。刚才的抱怨你可以回答“我确实答应过你去度假,不应该食言。”或“我确实一直在忙我的车没有陪你。”你承认得越快,你就越容易走到解决当前问题的下一步。你必须肯定他人因你而受伤,让他们感到安慰你理解他们的痛苦并让他们相信这样的伤害再不会发生。你越快肯定和承认你带给他人的伤害,你就越快治愈它。

2. Don’t defend yourself. If you defend yourself, the upset person will often get more upset because they are trying to communicate something real about how they feel through their example. If you won’t acknowledge their example, they often get more worked up trying to get their point across to you or completely shut down. Don’t make them wrong. This isn’t about who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s about understanding how they feel right now, so that hopefully, how they feel can change. “You feel let down and disappointed by me again.” Yes! Now you’re getting it.

2.不要为自己辩护。若你老是为自己辩护,抱怨的人会对你更加不满,因为他们正努力以一些具体经历获得的感受来和你表达真实情绪。若你不能承认他们所经历的,他们会变得激动生气,加倍地解释给你听或者干脆不说话了。千万不要误解他们。这不是谁对谁错的问题,这是他们此刻感受被理解与否的问题。他们希望被理解以便改变那些痛苦的感受。“因为我你感到沮丧和失望。”没错!你现在明白了。

3. Find out what the person needs from you. If they know what they need, they will tell you. Some people, however, may not know what they need. They may tell you there is nothing you can do now but don’t believe that. The reason they are telling you is because they do want you to do something differently now. Your job is to find out what it is. Likely, they may simply need to know, believe, and trust that you understand whatever you did before that hurt them and are committed to earnest effort in changing the behavior.

3.找到他人的需要。如果他们明白自己的所需,他们会告诉你。但有些人连自己想要什么都不太清楚。他可能会说“你做什么都帮不了我”——千万不要相信这句。他这样说的原因正是因为他非常希望你此刻能做些什么来改变。而你的工作就是去寻找那个需要做的事情。也许他们仅仅是需要知道,相信,信赖你已经明白你过去所做的伤害到了他们,你已经决心要尽最大努力改变自己的所作所为。

4. Act on it. Once you know what they need, act on it as soon as possible. If, “You only care about your job,” means, “I need more time and attention from you,” act on that information as soon as you can. Make a plan with them. “Will you have dinner with me tonight?” or “Do you have any time today to do something fun together?” Acting on the information sends the message that you get it and that the other person’s needs are important to you. The more immediate you are, the better.

4.行动。当你了解了他们所需要的,马上行动。若“你只关心你的工作”意味着“我需要你更多的时间和关注”,那么马上据此信息制定一个计划,你可以问他“今晚能和我一起吃饭么?”或“今天有空一起做点什么有趣的事么?”对他人话语的立即行动就是在向他人传达一个信息:你明白他的意思,并且重视他的需要。你行动地越快越好。

5. Take a time-out. If you can’t find what they need now or if it feels like the person’s only agenda is to beat you to a pulp, don’t feel badly about taking a time-out if needed. Being another person’s emotional punching bag isn’t good for you and it isn’t good for them. Following reasonable rules of engagement for “fair fighting” is important to avoid damaging each other. Let them know that you will talk about this later in the day and invite them that you really want to know what they need. While setting a limit may upset them even more, interrupting old patterns is an opportunity for change so learning how to calmly set limits while still inviting solutions is a good skill to learn.

5.适时暂停谈话。若你此刻发现不了他人的需要或者他只是想向你发泄情绪,那么适时暂停谈话。成为他人的出气筒对你对他都没有好处。你需要遵守“公平斗争”的合理规则,避免伤害彼此。适时暂停,让他知道一会再谈论这件事比较好或者和他敞开心扉,让他明白你真的很想知道他们的需要。规定条条框框会让他们不爽,打断传统模式不妨是改变关系的好方法。因此减少规则限制来解决问题也是我们需要掌握的一个技巧。

6. Identify your needs. If you are the person who can’t seem to get over the past, do your best to identify what you need now. Every time your mind pulls you to the past, ask yourself what you need in the present. Talking with a trusted friend or writing about your feelings may help you identify your needs. The next step is learning how to get your current needs met. There are many ways to do so.

6.认清自己的需要。如果你忘不了过去,那么努力去识别自己现在的需要。每当你的思绪把你拉回过去,问问自己当前需要什么。和信赖的朋友交谈或者把自己的情绪写下来,都是认清自己所需的好方法。下一步去学习如何实现自己眼下所需。这就有许多方法可以做到啦!

Bringing up the past is rarely a comfortable experience for either party, but there are reasons people do it. Most often, people do it when they are experiencing the same sort of feelings now as they did then.  They do it when they are trying to communicate what they need and are looking for solutions to feel better. The sooner you can understand what is going on and do your best to meet the need in the present moment, the better. No one can do anything to change the past. We can only do our best to handle the current situation and move forward.

对于每个人来讲,提起过往经历都不会舒服。但人们这样做必然有其原因。一般来讲,他们提起过去是因为眼下他们正经历着和过去某事相似的感受,他们正努力告诉你他们的需要,希望找到如何解决问题的方法以使自己感觉好点。因此了解他们的情况并尽你所能去满足他们的需要,越快越好。没有人可以改变过去,我们能做的只是尽全力去应对现在,从而走向更美好的未来。

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