Murphys Laws
(2012-09-25 20:13:46)
Agnes Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than outof.
Army Laws: If it moves, salute it. If it doesn't move, pick it up.If you can't pick it up, paint it.
Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those whodivide people into two types, and those who don't.
Baruch's Rule for Determining Old Age: Old age is always fifteenyears older than I am.
Basic Law of Construction: Cut it large and kick it intoplace.
Becker's Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keepone.
Benchley's Law: Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn'tthe work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.
Berra's Law: You can observe a lot just by watching.
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose officeplants have died.
Boren's Laws of the Bureaucracy: 1. When in doubt, mumble. 2. Whenin trouble, delegate. 3. When in charge, ponder.
Borstelmann's Rule: If everything seems to be coming your way,you're probably in the wrong lane.
Bralek's Rule for Success: Trust only those who stand to lose asmuch as you do when things go wrong.
Cannon's Comment: If you tell the boss you were late for workbecause you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flattire.
Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of thetime, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't foolMOM.
Cardinal Conundrum: An optimist believes we live in the best of allpossible worlds. A pessimist fears this is true.
Character and Appearance Law: People don't change; they only becomemore so.
Cleveland's Highway Law: Highways in the worst need of repairnaturally have low traffic counts, which results in low priorityfor repair work.
Clyde's Law: If you have something to do, and you put it off longenough, chances are someone else will do it for you.
Cohen's Law of Wisdom: Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness bythe powerful because a wise man can lead without power but only apowerful man can lead without wisdom.
Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is aconstant; the population is growing.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Colvard's Logical Premise: All probabilities are 50%. Either athing will happen, or it won't.
Commoner's Three Laws of Ecology: 1. No action is without side-effects. 2. Nothing ever goes away. 3. There is no freelunch.
Dieter's Law: The food that tastes the best has the highest numberof calories.
Ducharm's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough, you willrecognize yourself as part of the problem.
Dykstra's Law: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Edelstein's Advice: Don't worry over what other people are thinkingabout you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinkingabout them.
Ehrlich's Rule: The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to saveall the parts.
Ettorre's Observation: The other line moves faster. Corollary:Don't try to change lines. The other line -- the one you were inoriginally -- will then move faster.
Farber's Third Law: We're all going down the same road in differentdirections
Finagle's Laws of Information: 1. The information you have is notwhat you want. 2. The information you want is not what you need. 3.The information you need is not what you can obtain. 4. Theinformation you can obtain costs more than you want to pay.
Finnigan's Law: The farther away the future is, the better itlooks.
First Law of Expert Advice: Don't ask the barber whether you need ahaircut.
First Law of Laboratory Work: Hot glass looks exactly the same ascold glass.
First Rule of Superior Inferiority: Don't let your superiors knowyou're better than they are.
Frisch's Law: You cannot have a baby in one month by getting ninewomen pregnant.
Fudd's First Law of Opposition: If you push something hard enough,it will fall over. Tesler's Deviant to Fudd's Law: It goes in -- itmust come out.
Gerrold's Law: A little ignorance can go a long way.
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion willalways be headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest willalways be in the wrong place. 3. The energy required to changeeither one of the states will always be more than you wish toexpend, but never so much as to make the task totallyimpossible.
Gibb's Law: Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.
Ginsberg's Theorem (Generalized Laws of Thermodynamics): 1. Youcan't win. 2. You can't break even. 3. You can't even quit thegame. Ehrman's Commentary on Ginsberg's Theorem: 1. Things will getworse before they get better. 2. Who said things would get better?Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's Theorem: Every major philosophythat attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negationof one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is basedon the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on theassumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is based on theassumption that you can quit the game.
Glaser's Law: If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fitanyone.
Glyme's Formula for Success: The secret of success is sincerity.Once you can fake that you've got it made.
Green's Law of Debate: Anything is possible if you don't know whatyou are talking about.
Haldane's Law: The Universe is not only stranger than we imagine,it is stranger than we CAN imagine.
Harris' Lament: All the good ones are taken.
Hart's Law: In a country as big as the United States, you can findfifty examples of anything.
Hellrung's Law: If you wait, it will go away. Shevelson'sExtension: ... having done its damage. Grelb's Addition: ... if itwas bad, it will be back.
Iles's Law: There is an easier way to do it. Corollaries: Whenlooking directly at the easier way, especially for long periods,you will not see it. Neither will Iles.
Issawi's Laws of Committo-Dynamics: Comitas comitatum, omniacomitas. The less you enjoy serving on committees, the more likelyyou are to be pressed to do so.
Issawi's Law of Consumption Patterns: Other people's patterns ofexpenditure and consumption are highly irrational and slightlyimmoral.
Issawi's Law of Cynics: Cynics are right nine times out of ten;what undoes them is their belief that they are right ten times outof ten.
Italian Proverb: She who is silent consents.
Jake's Law: Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fallapart.
Jaroslovsky's Law: The distance you have to park from yourapartment increases in proportion to the weight of packages you arecarrying.
Jay's Laws of Leadership: Changing things is central to leadership,and changing them before anyone else is creativity. To buildsomething that endures, it is of the greatest important to have along tenure in office -- to rule for many years. You can achieve aquick success in a year or two, but nearly all of the great tycoonshave continued their building much longer.
John's Collateral Corollary: In order to get a loan you must firstprove you don't need it.
Johnson's First Law: When any mechanical contrivance fails, it willdo so at the most inconvenient possible time.
Johnson's Second Law: If, in the course of several months, onlythree worthwhile social events take place, they will all fall onthe same evening.
Johnson's Third Law: If you miss one issue of any magazine, it willbe the issue containing the article, story, or installment you weremost anxious to read. Corollary: All of your friends either missedit, lost it, or threw it out.
Johnson's First Law of Auto Repair: Any tool dropped whilerepairing an automobile will roll under the car to the vehicle'sexact geographic center.
Johnson-Laird's Law: Toothache tends to start on Saturdaynight.
Jones's Law: The man who can smile when things go wrong has thoughtof someone he can blame it on.
Jones's Motto: Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.McClaughry's Codicil on Jones's Motto: To make an enemy, do someonea favor.
Jones's Principle: Needs are a function of what other peoplehave.
Juhani's Law: The compromise will always be more expensive thaneither of the suggestions it's compromising.
Kaplan's Law of the Instrument: Give a small boy a hammer and hewill find that everything he encounters needs pounding.
Katz's Law: Men and nations will act rationally when all otherpossibilities have been exhausted.
Kelly's Law: An executive will always return to work from lunchearly if no one takes him.
Kettering's Laws: If you want to kill any idea in the world today,get a committee working on it. If you have always done it that way,it is probably wrong.
Klipstein's Lament All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided bypayment of the invoice.
Klipstein's Observation: Any product cut to length will be tooshort.
Knight's Law: Life is what happens to you while you are makingother plans.
Knoll's Law of Media Accuracy: Everything you read in thenewspapers is absolutely true except for that rare story of whichyou happen to have firsthand knowledge.
Knowles's Law of Legislative Deliberation: The length of debatevaries inversely with the complexity of the issue. Corollary: Whenthe issue is trivial, and everyone understands it, debate is almostinterminable.
Korman's conclusion The trouble with resisting temptation is it maynever come your way again.
Kristol's Law: Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the realdisasters in life begin when you get what you want.
Krueger's Observation A taxpayer is someone who does not have totake a civil service exam in order to work for thegovernment.
Law of Late-Comers: Those who have the shortest distance to travelinvariably arrive latest.
Laura's Law: No child throws up in the bathroom.
Lawyer's Rule: When the law is against you, argue the facts. Whenthe facts are against you, argue the law. When both are againstyou, call the other lawyer names.
Leahy's Law: If a thing is done wrong often enough, it becomesright. Corollary: Volume is a defense to error.
Levy's Laws: Good intentions are far moredifficult to cope with than malicious intent.
Lewis's Laws: People will buy anything that's one to a customer. Nomatter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you'vebought it it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
Liebling's Law: If you just try long enough and hard enough, youcan always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.
Law of Local Anesthesia: Never say "oops" in the operatingroom.
Los Angeles Dodgers Law Wait till last year.
Law of the Lost Inch: In designing any type of construction, nooverall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:40 p.m. onFriday. Corollaries: Under the same conditions, if any minordimensions are given to sixteenths of an inch, they cannot betotaled at all. The correct total will become self-evident at 9:01a.m. on Monday.
Lowrey's Law: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it neededreplacing anyway.
Lowrey's Law of Expertise: Just when you get really good atsomething, you don't need to do it any more.
Lubin's Law: If another scientist thought your research was moreimportant than his, he would drop what he is doing and do what youare doing.
Luce's Law: No good deed goes unpunished.
Lucy's Law: The alternative to getting old is depressing.
Lyall's Fundamental Observation: The most important leg of a threelegged stool is the one that's missing.
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
Lyon's Law of Hesitation: He who hesitates is last.
Madison's Question: If you have to travel on a Titanic, why not gofirst-class?
Malek's Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicatedway.
Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrongconclusion with confidence.
Martha's Maxim (and see Olum's Observation and Farrow's Finding):If God had meant for us to travel tourist class, He would have madeus narrower.
Matsch's Law: It is better to have a horrible ending than to havehorrors without end.
Matsch's Maxim: A fool in a high station is like a man on the topof a small mountain: everything appears small to him and he appearssmall to everybody.
Matz's warning: Beware of the physician who is great at getting outof trouble.
Maugham's Thought: Only a mediocre person is always at hisbest.
McGoon's Law: The probability of winning is inversely proportionalto the amount of the wager.
McGovern's Law: The longer the title, the less important thejob.
McGurk's Law: Any improbable event which would create maximumconfusion if it did occur, will occur.
McLean's Maxim: There are only two problems with people. One isthat they don't think. The other is that they do.
Margaret Mead's Law of Human Migration: At least fifty percent ofthe human race doesn't want their mother-in-law within walkingdistance.
H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do. Those who cannot --teach. Those who cannot teach -- administrate (Martin'sExtension).
Mencken's Metalaw: For every human problem, there is a neat, simplesolution; and it is always wrong.
Merkin's Maxim: When in doubt, predict that the present trend willcontinue.
Merrill's First Corollary: There are no winners in life; onlysurvivors.
Meskimen's Laws: When they want it bad (in a rush), they get itbad. There's never time to do it right, but always time to do itover.
Michehl's Theorem: Less is more.
Mickelson's Law of Falling Objects: Any object that is accidentallydropped will hide under a larger object.
Miller's Law: You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you stepinto it.
Mills's Law of Transportation Logistics: The distance to the gatefrom which your flight departs is inversely proportional to thetime remaining before the scheduled departure of the flight.Corollaries (Woods): This remains true even as you rush to catchthe flight. From this it follows that you are invariably rushingthe wrong way.
MIST Law (Man In The Street): The number of people watching you isdirectly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Moer's Truism: The trouble with most jobs is the resemblance tobeing in a sled dog team. No one gets a change of scenery, exceptthe lead dog.
Money Maxim: Money isn't everything (It isn't plentiful, forinstance).
Montagu's Maxim: The idea is to die young as late aspossible.
Morley's Conclusion: No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.
Morton's Law: If rats are experimented upon, they will developcancer ("What this country needs are some stronger whiterats").
Mosher's Law: It's better to retire too soon than too late.
Munnecke's Law: If you don't say it, they can't repeat it.
Murchison's Law of Money: Money is like manure. If you spread itaround, it does a lot of good. But if you pile it up in one place,it stinks.
NASA Truisms :A consultant is an ordinary person a long way fromhome. Statistics are a highly logical and precise method for sayinga half-truth inaccurately.
Law of Nations: In an underdeveloped country, don't drink thewater; in a developed country, don't breathe the air.
Navy Law: If you can keep your head when all about you others arelosing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation.
Evvie Nef's Law: There is a solution to every problem; the onlydifficulty is finding it.
Nessen's Law: Secret sources are more credible.
Newton's Little-known Seventh Law: A bird in the hand is safer thanone overhead.
Nyquist's Theory of Equilibrium: Equality is not when a femaleEinstein gets promoted to assistant professor; equality is when afemale schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a male schlemiel.
O'Brien's Rule: Nothing is ever done for the right reason.
The Obvious Law: Actually, it only SEEMS as though you mustn't bedeceived by appearances.
Occam's Electric Razor: The most difficult light bulb to replaceburns out first and most frequently.
Olum's Observation (and see Martha's Maxim and Farrow's Finding):If God had intended us to go around naked, He would have made usthat way.
Oppenheimer's Observation: The optimist thinks this is the best ofall possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.
Ordering Principle: Those supplies necessary for yesterday'sexperiment must be ordered no later than tomorrow noon.
Orion's Law: Everything breaks down.
Orwell's Law of Bridge: All bridge hands are equally likely, butsome are more equally likely than others.
Parson's Laws: If you break a cup or plate, it will not be the onethat was already chipped or cracked. A place you want to get to isalways just off the edge of the map you happen to have handy. Ameeting lasts at least 1 1/2 hours however short the agenda.
Dolly Parton's Principle: The bigger you are, the harder it is tosee your shoes.
Patton's Law: A good plan today is better than a perfect plantomorrow.
Paulg's Law: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's howmuch you save.
Peers's Law: The solution to a problem changes the problem.
Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of thetime, and some of the people all of the time, but you *can't* foolMom.
Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determinebeforehand which side of the bread to butter.
Peter Principle: In every hierarchy, whether it be government orbusiness, each employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence;every post tends to be filled by an employee incompetent to executeits duties. Corollaries: Incompetence knows no barriers of time orplace. Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yetreached their level of incompetence. If at first you don't succeed,try something else.
Peter's Hidden Postulate According to Godin: Every employee beginsat his level of competence.
Peter's Inversion: Internal consistency is valued more highly thanefficiency.
Peter's Law of Substitution: Look after the molehills and themountains will look after themselves.
Peter's Observation: Super-competence is more objectionable thanincompetence.
Phelps's Laws of Renovation: Any renovation project on an old housewill cost twice as much and take three times as long as originallyestimated. Any plumbing pipes you choose to replace duringrenovation will prove to be in excellent condition; those youdecide to leave in place will be rotten.
Pierson's Law: If you're coasting, you're going downhill.
Axiom of the Pipe (Trischmann's Paradox): A pipe gives a wise mantime to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
Poulsen's Law: When anything is used to its full potential, it willbreak.
Pournelle's Law of Costs and Schedules: Everything costs more andtakes longer.
Powell's Law: Never tell them what you wouldn't do.
Law of Predictive Action: The second most powerful phrase in theworld is "Watch this!" The most powerful phrase is "Oh yeah? Watchthis!"
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side.
Professional's Law: Doctors, dentists, and lawyers are only on timefor appointments when you're not.
Proverbial Law: For every proverb that so confidently asserts itslittle bit of wisdom, there is usually an equal and oppositeproverb that contradicts it.
First Rule of Public Speaking: Nice guys finish fast.
Pudder's Law: Anything that begins well ends badly. Anything thatbegins badly ends worse.
Putney's Law: If the people of a democracy are allowed to do so,they will vote away the freedoms which are essential to thatdemocracy.
Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people -- thosewho understand what they do not manage, and those who manage whatthey do not understand.
Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical objectto realize that you are in a hurry.
Randolph's Cardinal Principle of Statecraft: Never needlesslydisturb a thing at rest.
Rangnekar's Modified Rules Concerning Decisions: If you must make adecision, delay it. If you can authorize someone else to avoid adecision, do so. If you can form a committee, have them avoid thedecision. If you can otherwise avoid a decision, avoid itimmediately.
Rapoport's Rule of the Roller-Skate Key: Certain items which arecrucial to a given activity will show up with uncommon regularityuntil the day when that activity is planned, at which point theitem in question will disappear from the face of the earth.
Law of Reruns: If you have watched a TV series only once, and youwatch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.
Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support yourtheory.
Law of Restaurant Acoustics: In a restaurant with seats which areclose to each other, one will always find the decibel level of thenearest conversation to be inversely proportional to the quality ofthe thought going into it.
Law of Revelation: The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
First Law of Revision: Information necessitating a change of designwill be conveyed to the designer after -and only after- the plansare complete (Often called the "Now they tell us!" Law). Corollary:In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus oneobvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way, so asto expedite subsequent revision.
Second Law of Revision: The more innocuous the modification appearsto be, the further its influence will extend and the more planswill have to be redrawn.
Third Law of Revision: If, when completion of a design is imminent,field dimensions are finally supplied as they actually are -insteadof as they were meant to be- it is always easier to start all over.Corollary: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand aboutinterferences -if you have none, someone will make one foryou.
Fourth Law of Revision: After painstaking and careful analysis of asample, you are always told that it is the wrong sample and doesn'tapply to the problem.
Richard's Complementary Rules of Ownership: If you keep anythinglong enough you can throw it away. If you throw anything away, youwill need it as soon as it is no longer accessible.
Richman's Inevitables of Parenthood: Enough is never enough. Thesun always rises in the baby's bedroom window. Birthday partiesalways end in tears. Whenever you decide to take the kids home, itis always five minutes earlier that they break into fights, tears,or hysteria.
Riddle's Constant: There are coexisting elements in frustrationphenomena which separate expected results from achievedresults.
Riesman's Law: An inexorable upward movement leads administratorsto higher salaries and narrower spans of control.
Rigg's Hypothesis: Incompetence tends to increase with the level ofwork performed. And, naturally, the individual's staff needs willincrease as his level of incompetence increases.
Law of Road Construction: After large expenditures of federal,state, and county funds; after much confusion generated by detoursand road blocks; after greatly annoying the surrounding populationwith noise, dust, and fumes -the previously existing traffic jam isrelocated by one-half mile.
Rosenbaum's Rule: The easiest way to find something lost around thehouse is to buy a replacement.
(Al) Ross's Law: Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so theyalways point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark.
Rudin's Law: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made amongalternative courses of action, most people will choose the worseone possible.
Runamok's Law: There are four kinds of people: those who sitquietly and do nothing, those who talk about sitting quietly anddoing nothing, those who do things, and those who talk about doingthings.
Runyon's Law: The race is not always to the swift, nor the battleto the strong, but that's the way to bet.
First Rule of Rural Mechanics: If it works, don't fix it.
Ryan's Law: Make three correct guesses consecutively and you willestablish yourself as an expert.
