幸福甜蜜的爱情，是每个人的向往，可怎样才能找到适合自己的伴侣呢？当爱情出现，又该如何确认他是不是那个对的人呢？
本期TED的演讲者Alexandra Redcay认为，在恋爱中我们的头脑暂时性失控，应该慎重考虑父母朋友的意见，才能找到更靠谱的另一半。
如果你正在恋爱、或准备迎接一段新的感情、或正处于一段不确定的婚姻，可以看看下面这个视频。
怎样找到合适的“那个人”
(17:45)
▼
请大家闭上双眼。
I want everybody to close their eyes.
想象你正在谈恋爱。
I want you to imagine being in love.
可能你已经在谈恋爱了，
Maybe you have been in love,
可能你期待着一场恋爱。
Maybe you hope to be in love.
那种感觉如何？
What was that like?
你的心跳开始加速，
Your heart starts racing,
胃口也变得奇怪。
Your stomach gets all weird.
你给你的好友打电话说：
You call up your best friend and say:
“天哪，我觉得我刚刚遇见了我的人生挚爱。”
“Oh,my gosh ,I think I just met the love of my life!”
“就在三周里。”
“In three weeks.”
我们迅速地弄明白了我们的感情。
We figured that out so quick.
迅速地做了这些决定。
We make these very quick decisions.
我们所有的情感都如此的汹涌澎湃。
All of our emotion comes rushing so quickly.
但是，一段时间后发生了什么？
But then,what happens down the road?
我们意识到我们当时到底在想什么？
We realize:”What were we thinking?”
50%的婚姻已失败告终，为什么？
50% of marriages fail.Why?
我有两个很好的朋友在一周内相互给我打电话，告诉我他们十年的婚姻破裂了。
Two of my very good friends called me within a week of each other and told me that their marrige of over ten years had failed.
即使周围所有认识他们的人都知道他们那时并没有做出正确的决定。
Now ,even though everyone else around them knew that they weren’t making a good decision at the time.
你知道，我最好的朋友，我和她妈妈在十年前就知道，她选的那个男人有点控制欲。
You know,my best friend,her mother and I knew over ten years ago that the guy that she picked was kind of controlling.
他无视女性，他希望要的是一个乖乖待在家里洗衣、做饭、生儿育女的女人。
He was dismissive towards women,and he really wanted a woman that would stay home、cook、clean and have their child.
而我的朋友对那些家务事一点都不感兴趣。她当时在纽约唱爵士歌曲，对那样的生活感到非常开心。
And my friend was not at all interested in that.She was singing jazz in New York City.She was very happy to have that life.
但他不喜欢。
But that’s not what he was interested in .
但从某一方面，她爱上他了，并为他们的家庭做出了牺牲。
But somewhere along the way,she fell in love with him and so she sacrificed for the family.
她为她认为正确的决定做出了牺牲。
She sacrificed for whta she thought was the right decision.
十年过去了，她意识到她自己都认不出自己了,然后她决定离开。
And ten years down the road,she realized she didn’t recognize herself,and then she decided to leave.
还有位女士前几天问我，她四十岁了，向我抱怨说没有什么好男人了。
A women asked me the other day,she was complaining ,at 40,saying that there was no good men left.
她说唯一在她身边的男人都是皮特潘这种类型的。
And she said that the only men that are out there are the Peter Pan guys.
这些男人，据她描述都不想长大,他们不想有孩子，不想结婚，不想安定下来.
The men who,as she described,don’t want to grow up,that they don’t want to have kids,they don’t want to get married,they don’t want to settle down.
她花费了所有的时间和精力来试着让他们长大。
And she spent all her time and energy trying to ‘un-Peter-Pan’ them.
然后她问我，我对此有何看法？为什么会发生这样的事？为什么她找不到意中人？为什么她扭转不了这个局面？
And she asked me what do I think.Why does this come about?Why can’t she find anybody?Why can’t she fix this situation?
所以我问她你希望我的话有几成真？
So I said to her:”How honest do you want me to be?”
她说：“是的，我要听大实话，我很严肃。我想解决这个问题，我该怎么做？”
And she said,”Oh,yes ,very honest! I’m really serious.Iwant to fix this problem .How do I do this ?”
然后我说：“我觉得你把精力都投入到了那些觉得自己真的很开心的人身上。他们都感觉自己好极了。他们为什么要结婚生孩子安定下来？他们不想这样，是你想这样。所以问题在于你的关注点，在于你的角度。”
And I said:”Well,I think you’re investing all your energy in people that are really happy.They’re totally fine.Why should they get married,have kids and settle down?They don’t want to ,you do.So, the issue is your focus,the issue is your perspective. “
我们该怎么挑选伴侣呢？
How are we selecting partners?
我们为什么要试着强迫他们改变？
And why are we trying to force them to change?
或者，我们为什么忽视了他们的本性，忽视了我们眼前的危险信号？
Or ,why are we ignoring who they are,or the red flags that are right in front of our face,right?
总有30多岁、40多岁、50多岁的女人向我抱怨她们找不到她们的梦中情郎或梦中姑娘。
I have women all the time ,complaining in their 30s,40s and 50s that they can’t find the man of their dreams or woman of their dreams.
也有男人向我抱怨他们觉得自己被忽视了，就因为他们是好人、大好人、好朋友。
I have men complaining that they feel that they’re being overlooked because they are the good guy,the nice guy ,the friend.
他们发现人们都在和不适合的人约会:花花公子、满嘴谎话的人以及有妇之夫。
And what they find is that people are dating the unavailable person:the player,the pathological liar,the person who’s already married.
所以，我们在我们的情感中做了这些决定，然后在2年、3年后结束了那段感情，或者10年后在绝望中结束感情。
So ,we make all these decisions in our relationships,and we end up two\three years down the road,ten years down the road ,in despair.
我们奋力地寻找我们想要的感情，不管它是走向婚姻或仅仅是长期伴侣。
We struggle to try to find the relationship that we want,whether that leads to marriage or just to long term commitment.
我们为什么一次又一次地重复这个循环？
Why do we repeat this cycle over and over and over again?
之前问我的那个女人，就是我刚刚说的问我意见“为什么这些事会发生的那个女人”说：“噢，我没有和那些皮特潘约会，我就是看到他们在那里。好吧，除了我最近的两段，他们是皮的潘式的。”
And the woman that asked me earlier that I had talked about that asked my advice about why this happens says:”Oh,no!I don’t date the Peter Pan guys.I just see them out there.Well, except the last two relationships,I did date the Peter Pan guy.”
好吧，那么，你确实和他们约会了。那你为什么选择他们呢？
Oh,ok,so ,you do date them.So why do you choose them?
她并不能解释。
She couldn’t really explain it.
然后她不停地把话题说回来，说：“不，不是，我没有真正和他们约会。除了最近的两个。”
And then she just kept coming back and saying:”No,no,I don’t really date them.Ok,except the last two.”
所以，她对我们这次的谈话开始有防备心理了，并且否认她身边任何人都能看出的真相。就是最爱她的哪些人、她的朋友、家人。
So ,she became really defensive in this conversation and was denying the truth that everyone else around her could see.The people that loved her the most,her friends,her family.
所以我问我自己，在爱的道路上发生了什么？我们要做什么？
So I asked myself ,on the path of love,what happens?What do we do ?
它的开端都是美好、精彩、完美的。
It starts off beautiful,wonderful,perfect.
你在非常短的时间里和这个人陷入爱河。
You’re totally in love with this person in a very short period of time,right?
然后，我们看到了危险信号，但我们忽视它了。
And then ,we see a red flag,but we ignore it.
因为我们会说，不会的，我们就应该在一起。我们都太疯狂、太挑剔
Because we say:”No, no.It must be us.We’re crazy.We’re too picky.”
但问题是我们的朋友和家人也能看到。
But the problem is that our friends and family see it too.
他们很关心我们，他们可能会说或不会说什么。
And they are concerned.They may or may not say anything.
但我们的回应是什么？
And then,what is our response ?
我们攻击他们。
We attack them.
“行行行，你就是见不惯我开心。我终于找到了我爱的人，但你却不接受他。你只是不了解他。当我两在一起时，他不是这样的。”
“Well,you will never be happy if I am happy.I finally found someone I love and you can’t accept it.Well,you just don’t know him.He is different when we are alone.”
我们总是这样告诉自己。
We tell ourselves this all the time.
然后还有一个危险信号的组合。
Then there is a combination of red flags.
我们告诉自己所有感情都需要付出努力。这句话是对的，但我们的自我暗示却是有误导性的。
And we tell ourselves,”Well,all relationships take work.” Which is true,but we tell ourselves this in a misguided way.
所以我们的朋友和家人表达了他们的关心，但我们做了什么？我们攻击他们，我们有防备心理。
So our friends and family express their concern，and what do we do?We attack them.We’re defensive.
然后开始远离他们。
And then we begin to isolate from them.
他们试着干涉，并说：“听着，我很关心和你约会的这个人。我希望你能多考虑考虑。我希望你能选别的人或结束你们的关系。”
They try to intervence,and they say:”Look,I am really concerned about this person that you’re dating.And I want you to think about that.I want you to try and pick someone else or just end it.”
我们甚至可能向自己承认：“是的，我可能应该结束这段感情。我知道这个人并不适合我。”
And we may even admit to ourselves:”Yeah,I probably should end it.I know this person isn’t good for me.”
但我们做不到。
But we don’t.
然后，发生的事就是因为我们的家人、朋友或生活中的其他人、同事、搭档，因为他们与我们的观念相冲突，他们说：“听着，现在这是一个问题。”
So then,what happens is because family or friends or anyone in our life,colleges,co-workers,because they conflict with us ,and they say:”Look,there is a problem here.”
我们感到尴尬，觉得羞耻。
We feel embrassed,we feel ashamed.
所以，我们做了什么？我们疏远了他们。
And so,what do we do?We separate from them.
所以，我们不再去朋友家。因为他们总在发牢骚。
So we don’t go to the friends’ house anymore because they’re always complaining.
然后家人也变得生气。
And then the family gets angry.
然后他们也疏远你，不再管你。
Then they saparate from you,they stop trying.
渐渐地，我们也意识到我们是错的，他们是对的。
And eventually,we realize too that we were wrong and they were right.
我们讨厌这种感觉，我们发狂了。
And we hate it.It drives us nuts.
然后我们绝望了。
Then we despair.
然后说到：“我们到底能不能找到正确的人？”
And said:”Are we ever going to find anybody?”
我们本来不用浪费那么多的时间、精力和绝望情绪，如果我们当初听从了周围人的话，也不那么防备的话。
And we could have saved so much time and energy and despair if we would just listen to the people that are around us and not to be so defensive.
我们为什么重复着这个循环？我们为什么重复这件事？
So why do we repeat this cycle?Why do we repeat this?
因为我们总是这样做的。
Because we do it all the time.
我们的大脑，我觉得我们大脑的同一部分掌管着上瘾这种感觉,它主宰我们爱的感觉。
Our brain,I think that the same part of our brain that controls addiction,controls our feelings of love.
因为我们对爱的感觉就是与某人产生强烈的感情，这种情感是完全没有理性的。
Because our feelings of love that intense connection that we feel with someone which is totally irrational.
我们根本就不认识他们，我们也根本没有志同道合的东西。
We don’t really know them,we don’t really have all those things in common.
但我们想相信的就是我们的做法。
But we want to believe that we do.
就是像毒品或酒精上瘾一样，就如同是上瘾了，它就是。
It’s just like being addicted to drugs or alcohol.It’s an addiction,it is.
不管出于何种原因，我们并没有明智到理清我们的感觉。
And for whatever reason,we’re not wise enough to figure it out.
我们不够明智。
We ‘re not wise enough.
因为我们的感情、我们的感知、对爱的感觉控制了我们的大脑、思想。
Because our emotion and our perception,our feelings of this love controls our brain,our mind.
就是你脑部前方的前额皮质。
Our prefrontal cortex which is at the front of your brain.
前额皮质是脑部的一部分。
And the prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain.
它是理性的，它能做出理性的决定。
That’s rational,it makes rational decisions.
它告诉脑部的其他部分，不要这样做。
It tells the other parts of the brain,”Knock it off.”
当你想打某人一拳时，然后你意识到：“不行，他是我老板，我不能那样做。”
When you want to punch somebody and then you realize:”Nope,that’s my boss.I can’t do that.”
那就是前额皮质在告诉你不要这样做。
That’s the prefrontal cortex telling you ,”Knock it off,ok?”
但我们并不允许前额皮质来控制我们的心和我们对爱的感觉。
But we don’t allow the prefrontal cortex to control our heart and our feelings of love.
所以这就是我们如何陷入那种局面的。
So that’s how we get in these situations.
可能由于基因，或是一些榜样，可能是我们不知道有谁拥有幸福的婚姻或美好的恋情，诸如此类的。
You know it could genetics,it could be role models,maybe we don’t know anyone that has a happy marriage or happy relationship,thing like that.
有些人的观念是，我们受危险所吸引。
Some people have this idea that we are drawn to danger ,right?
为什么我们和那些我们早就知道的不真诚的人或骗子约会？
Why do we date the person who we know is historcally unfaithful and a liar?
他们告诉我们他们最后的恋情，并欺骗了他们。但我们还是莫名其妙地觉得他们对我们会是不一样的。
They tell us about their last parter,and they cheated on them,but somehow we still think that:”Oh,they are going to be different with us.”
同时，在你面前的好人就是爱着你，诚实、忠实和真实的那个好男人，我们却忽视了他们。
Meanwhile ,the good person is there,the good guy who is
honest,faithful,trustworthy,loves you,but we ignore them.
我这里有个比方，请大家不要笑。
I have an example,don’t laugh.
就是单身女郎。
It’s the bachelorette.
有谁最近关注过单身汉这个综艺节目吗？
Has anyone paid attention to The Bachelor Show recently?
有。
Yes.
好的，有一位，谢谢。
Ok,one person,thank you.
德丝，是一名单身女郎，遇到了3个男人。
So Des,who is the bachelorette,is down to three guys.
其中有2个疯狂地迷恋着她，疯狂地迷恋着她。
Two of which are madly in love with her,madly in love with her.
他们告诉她，他们充满深情，写情诗，唱情歌，都是这类的美妙浪漫的事情。
They tell her,they’re affectionate,they write poems,they sing songs,all this wonderful stuff.
但她爱上谁了呢？
Who does she fall in love with?
那个不爱她的男人。
The guy that doesn’t love her.
他也告诉了她，伤透了她的心。
And he tells her ,he breaks her heart.
我不知道将会发生什么，只剩下一集了。
I don’t know what’s going to happen,there is only one show left.
但我觉得这就是生活的象征。
But I think this is symbolic of life.
我们总是这样做。
We do this all the time.
我们看到我们的朋友做了这样的决定。
We see our friends making these decisions.
爱统治着我们的思想。
Love rules our mind.
感觉就像我们对毒品上瘾了。
It seems like we are addicted to drugs.
我们着迷了。
We’re obsessed.
我们被强制着植入了这种爱的情感，我们夜不能睡。
We’re compulsive with this idea of love.We can’t sleep.
不管我们爱不爱吃那个起司汉堡，它尝起来都那么美味。
Either we can’t eat or when we do eat it,that cheeseburger,it tastes so delicious.
因为当我们陷入爱河，任何感觉都被扩大了。
Because now we’re in love,everything is amplified.
这是我最喜欢的引言。
This is my favourite quote here.
它让我想起来了那位想让她约会的皮特潘长大的女士。
It reminds me of the lady who wants to “un-Peter-Pan”the guys she dates.
不要教猪唱歌。
Never try to teach a pig to sing.
猪烦了，你的时间也浪费了。
It annoys the pig,and it waste your time.
我没说那些男人是猪，就算他们是猪，那女人也和他们一样是猪了。
I am not saying that men are pigs,and if they were pigs,women are just as much pigs as they are.
我们为什么不断地想要改变别人？
But why are we constantly trying to change people?
我们陷入了这段感情，猪不会唱歌，但我们一直试着让它唱歌，这就是你知道，这让人很烦躁，而且也浪费了你的时间。
We go into this relationship,and pigs can’t sing and yet,we keep trying to get them to sing,and it’s just,you know,it’s ennoying and it’s waste your time.
同时，这段感情你维持了2年，你浪费了这所有的时间。
Meanwhile,you’re in that relationship for two years,and you’ve wasted all that time.
在这段时间里，本该有那么多的机会再你眼前。
When really,there are so many opportunities out there for you.
那我们该怎么扭转呢？
So ,how do we fix this?
清单很简单，但做起来很难。
Short lists,but hard.
我们需要对一个真实的自我评估，敞开心扉。
We have to open our heart to a real self-assessment.
向我问意见的那位女士，坐在她所有朋友的中间，我们只是在后院逛一逛、吃吃烧烤。
The woman who asked for advice sat in a circle of all of her friends.We were just hanging out in the backyard having a barbeque.
她拒绝听我们每一个人的劝告，我们说的都是同一件事情。
And she refused to listen to every single one of them who all said the same thing.
我们需要对自我评估，敞开我们的心扉。
We have to open up our heart to a self-assessment.
我们到底怎么了？
What is going on with us?
我们做了什么来巩固这些感情？
What are we doing to contribute to these relationships?
我们害怕什么？我们有没有想过这么做值得吗？
What are we afraid?Do we think we are not worth it?
有没有想过是否应该这个人安定下来？
Do we think we have to settle for this person?
你需要更加明智，并在通往明智的道路上。
You have to get healthier,and on the path to being healthier.
了解你自己。
We have to get to know ourselves.
我不能说有多少人说他们出去约会，然后说：“噢，我希望他们会喜欢我。”
I can’t tell you how many people say,Well,they go out on a date and they say:”Oh,I hope that they’ll like me.”
我说：“什么？我希望是你喜欢他们！谁在乎他们喜不喜欢你？”
I say:”What?I hope you like them!Who cares if they like you?”
你需要评价那个人来弄明白他们是否适合你。
You need to assess this person to figure out if they’re a good fit for you.
如果约会中我们整个焦点都在于：我希望他们喜欢我，那怪不得我们会做错误的决定了。
If our entire focus in dating is “I hope that they like me”,no wonder we make bad decisions.
然后还有人总是说：“好的，那我就打开天窗说亮话吧。我想告诉你什么是我想要的。我想要做这个工作的人，对这个感兴趣的人。”
And then you have the person who always says:”Well,let me just put it out there.I’m just going to tell you everything that I’m looking for.I want this kind of person who does this and who is intersted in this.”
那些想把你弄上床的无耻之人就会告诉你你刚刚告诉他的那些事情。
Well,the unscrupulous person who just kind of wants to land you in bed is going to tell you all of that stuff that you’ve just told them.
所以，与把所有事情都敞开讲，让他们暂时变成你希望的那种人，以此达到他们的目的。
So,instead of putting everything out there and letting them become who you want,temporarily to get that they want.
你需要退一步,理清对你来说，到底什么才最重要。
You need to take a step back and figure out what are the most important things for you.
想一下这三个问题。
Think of three questions.
如果你真的很想结婚、生孩子，现在也35岁了，那么接下来就是你应该问的第一个问题了：“你对结婚感兴趣吗？我指的不是我，也不是指的明天，而是结婚是否在你的计划之中？”
If you really want to get married and have kids,and you’re 35,well,that should be one of the first questions you ask:”Are you interested in getting married?I’m not saying to me ,I’m not saying tomorrow,but is this in your plan?”
因为有很多人会说：“想都别想，我好的很。不结婚的话，我会很开心的。”
Because there are many people out there who say:”No way.I am good.If I never get married,I’ll be happy.”
我们需要更大胆。
We have to be bolder.
需要知道我们想要什么并且只对真正重要的东西坚持自己的意见。
We have to know what we want and be stubborn only about the really important stuff.
你们认为，坚决地找个诚实的人怎么样？
How about “Let’s be stubborn about honesty?”
这个人诚实吗？
And “Is the person honest?”
这是我们想要坚持的。
That’s what we want to be stubborn about.
愚者，求福于远方。
The foolish person seeks happiness in the distance.
智者，培植于脚下。
The wise person seeks it under the feet.
我们需要对自己感到开心，我们需要对我们的存在感到开心。
We have to be happy with ourselves,we have to be happy with our presence.
那么，我们会越来越开心。
And happiness will come to us more.
如果我们现在非常悲伤，那么我们会变得越来越悲伤,就如同我们评价我们的生活一样。
If we’re miserable now,then we’ll just become more and more miserable as we evaluate our lives.
这在于我们自己的视角。
It’s about our perspective.
第一条规定，很多人认为这个很疯狂但我百分百支持它。
Number one rule and a lot of people think this is crazy but I stand by it 100%.
你的朋友和家人必须为你打探。
Your friends and family must meet your prospect.
如果你感觉不安和紧迫，说道：“我的天哪，他们肯定觉得我疯了。”
If you feel uncomfortable and pressured,and:”Oh my gosh,they are going to think I’m crazy.
可能那就是个问题。
Maybe that’s a problem.
你可以伪造一个场景，就是策划一下，比如“我们刚巧来了这家餐厅。噢看哪，那是我最好的朋友。你干脆和我们一起吃饭吧？”
You can stage a fake ,a setup,like”Oh,we just happened to go to this restaurant.And oh,look,there is my best friends.Oh,why don’t you join us for dinner?”
因为他们会告诉你那个人是否适合你。
Because they will tell you if that person is good for you or not.
但问题是，我们应该听从他们的意见，并且一定要趁早，在3到5次约会时就请他们评价，为什么？
But the problem is we have to listen to them and it has to happen early within three to five dates.Why?
因为那时我们会陷入爱河，就在3到5次约会里，那时我们就已经上钩了。
Because that’s when we fall in love within the first three or five dates,that’s when we’re already hooked.
我们可能不会说出来，不会承认，但我们知道这是真的。
We might not say it,we may not admit it,but we know it’s true.
所以我们需要退一步，从一开始就得到对某人的第一印象。
So we have to back that up and just get our first impression of somebody right from the begining.
如果他们说，放手吧，那就放手。
And if they say,”Run”,then run.
放手吧。
Run!
如果你五分之三或三分之一的朋友说：“我不知道，我没什么感觉。我没觉得他们适合你。”
If three out of five of your friends or two out of three say:”Oh,I don’t know.I’m not feeling it.I’m not thinking they’re right for you.”
那就放手吧，放手，即使你觉得他们还有那么多的潜力。我们如此志同道合。
Run,run.Even if you think”Oh,but they have so much potential and we have so much in common.”
不要想，直接放手吧。
No,just run.
你要相信你的社交圈，因为他们更理智。
You have to trust your community because they are wiser.
在我们身陷这些事中时，他们比我们更加理智。
They are wiser than us when we’re in the midst of this.
不断地得到建议，从那些说话一针见血的朋友口中。
Get on going advice.Pick your mean friend.
你的朋友都那么真诚，你就想着我不想听她的意见，因为我知道她不会说什么好听的。
Your friend that’s so honest,you’re just like,”Oh,I don’t want to ask her because I know she is going to say something bad.”
那就是你该去找的人。
That’s the one you want to go to.
注意每天的危险信号。
Pay attention to red flags every day.
勇敢地早日抽身。
And be brave enough to walk away early.
真爱是有可能的，确实是这样。
Real love is possible.It is.
你现在的恋情，也可以变得更好。
The relationship that you’re in now can be better,too.
不要气馁，不要不安。
Don’t get discourage,don’t get upset.
要相信你的分析能力。
Believe in your ability to analyze.
相信自己，相信你的直觉，你能做到的。
Trust yourself,trust your gut,you can do it.
不要害怕咨询那些问题，不要感到恐惧。
Don’t be afraid to ask those questions.Don’t be intimidated.
如果你现在对于问这些重要问题感到恐惧，当你从不问这些问题时，你觉得5年内会发生什么？
If you’re intimidated to ask that really important question now,what do you think is going to happen in five years?
要勇敢，你能做到的。
Be brave,you can do it.
行动克服恐惧。
Action conquers fear.
我们做的越多，着手时我们就更自在。
The more we do it,the more comfortable we get with it.
奇迹是会降临的，你必须相信真爱是有可能的。
Miracles can happen,and you must believe love is possible.
联系客服
