培养孩子独立决策的5个方法

5 Guidelines for Giving Kids Choices

作者  Erin Leyba 

来源 www.psychologytoday.com

翻译 家长大学

给孩子表达意见的机会，自己做决定的权力，发展主人翁的意识，独立解决问题，这些都是与孩子增进情感联系的好方法。

让孩子有发言权，同时意味着：

建立尊重,

增强连接,

激发合作,

培养问题解决的能力，

从儿童对基本权力和掌控感的需求出发，培养更多优秀的能力。

Providing young children opportunities to use their voices, make decisions, develop ownership, and solve problems are great ways to bond with them too. 

Giving kids a say also:

builds respect,

strengthens community,

invites cooperation,

develops problem-solving skills, and

capitalizes on kids'normal human need for power and control. 

以下5个方法

帮您培养孩子独立决策的能力

↓↓↓

No.1

提供孩子适度的选择

孩子希望父母能维持家庭秩序，对大事情拿主意，这会让他们很有安全感。尽管他们需要有发言权，但太重大的抉择对他们来说反而是压力。

让孩子们在两件事之间做出选择。如果他们无法做出选择，不要提供第三个选择。

（当然“自由游戏时间”除外，他们在自由游戏时间可以选择任何感兴趣的事情。)

Here are 5 guidelines for giving kids a voice and a say:

Avoid overwhelming them 

Kids want and expect their parents to provide structure and make key family decisions. It helps them feel safe. While it’s great to give kids a say in things, too many or too big of  choices can overwhelm them or put too much pressure on them.

Give young children the choice between only two things. If they don’t or can’t pick between the two, don’t offer a third. (This doesn’t include “free play time,” where they should be able to do whatever they’re interested in.)

No.2

持之以恒地提供选择

既然决定给孩子发言权，那就要坚持贯彻，不能这次给权力，下次又不给了，这会让孩子感到沮丧和不满。他们会很困惑，自己的权力边界到底在哪，他们可能会消极回应、质疑或转而对抗。而成年人不明白这是孩子在探寻权力边界，只认为是不合作的表现。

比如，今天晚上你问孩子:“晚饭想吃什么?” 第二天你却说，“今晚我们都吃lasagna，你也一样。” 他们可能就会开始抱怨或抗议，因为权力边界变模糊了。

再比如，这个周末你问孩子:“今天早上你想做什么? 我们大家的活动安排听你的。而下个周末，你却说:“今天，你要和爸爸去商店，然后我们一起去朋友家。” 这种变化对孩子来说不太容易理解。

Be consistent 

If you give children choices once, but not the next time, they naturally get frustrated and protest. Their confusion often results in them 'pushing back,' questioning, or refusing to comply as a way to determine where the 'real' boundaries are. Adults often end up viewing this 'push-back' as uncooperative or acting-out behavior when it is really just a way for children to determine the extent of their power.

If one night you say, “What do you want for dinner?” and the next night you say, “We’re having lasagna and you can’t have anything different,” they are likely to whine or protest because boundaries become confusing.

If one weekend you ask, “What do you want to do this morning? Our whole family will do anything you want.” And the next weekend you say, “You are going with Dad to the grocery store then coming to a friend’s house with me,” kids may not understand the incongruence.

No.3

制定“选择权”惯例

比如，你们去公园时，说出两个公园的名字，让孩子二选一。每周六早上，让他们选择是和你一起出门，还是在家待着。每周五电影夜，为孩子提供两部电影，让他们自己挑选。去图书馆，他们可以选择5本书。

晚上，他们可以选择开夜灯或是开着门。午餐时，他们可以决定喝水或喝牛奶。晚餐时，他们可以自由决定吃正餐还是吃Cheerios（麦圈）或其他食物代替。

Create a ritual around choices

Make certain choices 'rituals.' For example, when you go to the park, name two parks and they choose which one. Every Saturday morning they may choose to run errands with you or stay home. Every Friday movie night, put two movies in front of your child and let them choose one. At the library, always let them choose 5 books. At night, they can choose night light on or door open. At lunch, they can choose water or milk to drink. At dinner, they can eat the regular meal or eat Cheerios instead (or whatever choices work for your own family).

No.4

请孩子帮你解决问题

如果孩子每次出门前，总是丢三落四，就让他来负责解决这个问题。让他列一个出门前准备工作的清单，画出或写下需要做的每件事，完成一项就打个勾。

让孩子帮你解决笔帽没有盖在笔上的问题。(不管用什么办法，通常他都会把笔帽扣上的。)

如果孩子总是把书随便扔在地板上，你可以问问她：“你觉得有什么办法能让地板变干净呢？”

Ask them to help you fix problems

If your child is having trouble doing the tasks needed to get out the door, put him in charge. Create a checklist on a clipboard of stick-figure pictures of all the things he needs to do to get ready, and have him cross off each thing as it gets done.

Ask your child to help you solve the problem of caps not being put back on markers. (She will be more likely to put the caps on, no matter what strategy she comes up with).

If there are books all over your child’s bedroom floor, ask her how she thinks the floor could stay clear.

No.5

你的感谢让孩子乐于做更多

如果孩子用铲子将地上的书清理干净了，你可以说:“哇，用铲子铲书的主意太有创意了，地板又和以前一样干净，你真是把房间照顾得非常棒。”

如果孩子选择了游泳而不是徒步，你可以说:“谢谢你选择游泳，因为和你一起在水里玩开心极了。”

如果孩子选择给你帮忙，你可以说:“我很开心你来帮我，因为有你在我身边总是更有趣。”

Thank and reinforce 

If your child shoveled his books off the floor, you could say, “Wow, this shovel idea you thought of is really working out well. I see the floor is as clear as ever! You’re really taking care of your room.”

If your child chose swimming over hiking, you might say, “Thanks for choosing swimming. It was so fun to splash in the water with you.”

If your child chooses to run errands with you, comment, 'I'm so glad you chose to help me out. Doing errands is always more fun with you by my side.'