对于很多中国父母来说，处理这样的感受尤为困难，因为一直以来，大家受到的教育都是：要控制自己的感受，不要公开表达情绪，甚至不要去感受情绪。从文化角度来说，这种态度，比如隐忍，有它自己的道理。但这不符合现代神经科学对于情绪的认识：任何一种情绪都需要被看到，需要流淌，需要在内心被感受到，需要与他人分享。只有这样，情绪才能消失，否则就会淤积在心里。压抑的情绪是不会消失的。我的一个朋友曾这么描述：“当我们把情绪藏进地下室里，它并没有消失。地下室里有一个健身房，它们就在那里练习举重，变得越来越强壮，然后，会在我们最意想不到的时候破门而出。”
忽视感受是很有诱惑力的，也许你会想，如果无视感受，它们就会消失，就不会有人发现我产生了这样的情绪，也就不会因此而感到羞耻。但是，如果不处理好内心的感受，就无法有效地养育子女，甚至无法有效地应对危机。父母首先需要照顾好自己，然后才能尽其所能地照顾孩子。下面是父母可以用来照顾自己情绪感受的几个步骤：
1. 识别感受。
你可能会产生某种强烈的感受，也可能同时产生好几种感受，或者在不同的时间出现不同的感受。给这些感受命名（网上很容易找到各种感受情绪的名称），更重要的是，要把每种感受的身体感觉记录下来，例如：眼睛是否感到压力，让你无法尽情挥洒泪水？胳膊、腿、脖子和喉咙感觉紧张吗？有哪个部位感觉冷还是热？整体来讲，感觉是轻松还是沉重？大多数人还不习惯去描述与情绪相关的内在感觉，所以有可能需要花上一点时间。还可以写日记，每种不同的情绪分别写在一页纸上。
2. 接纳所有的感受。
在步骤1中，去感觉所有的感受，一定不要排除任何你认为不可接受的感受。不仅仅是某些感受，是所有的感受都需要处理。有些感受看起来似乎是相互矛盾的，没关系，这很正常。在逻辑中，一个事物不可能同时是两个对立的事物，但感受并不会遵守逻辑。在同一时间产生很多种情绪是正常的：害怕病毒、为朋友难过，同时为自己家人的安全感到高兴。
3. 辨识出伴随感受常常响起的“内在声音”。
你的内在声音说了什么？是什么是语气？对于大多数人来说，在产生感受时，常常还会产生一个“内在声音”。比如，如果你生气了，内在声音可能会用一种羞愧的声音说：“你无权生气，都是你自己的错。”如果你感到悲伤，你的内在声音可能会说：“不要再自怨自艾了，别人比你更痛苦。”或者“感到悲伤也没关系，这就是一个令人悲伤的情况。”你能识别出这些声音吗？
4. 决定是接纳还是挑战这个“内在声音”。
这些关于情绪的内在声音是你真的想听到的吗？如果能够支持你，就倾听它；如果让你感到羞耻、不被接纳或者害怕，也许你可以温和地对它说：“谢谢你，但产生这种感受并不能说明我是个坏人，事实上，这是完全正常的。”要特别警惕那些让你为自己的感受感到羞愧的内心声音。
一旦你观察、识别并接纳了自己的感受，认真考虑了伴随感受的“内在声音”，通常这些感受就不会那么强烈，不会那么令人无法承受了。你会对自己更加慈悲，所有这些感受会汇成一首生活的交响曲，而不是一个刺耳的音符，让人无法平和地生活。
现在，我们依次来看几种明显的情绪。
恐惧
恐惧的近亲是担忧和焦虑，对于这些情绪，重要的是把要把自己能做的事情和尽己所能之后依然存在情绪分开。
应对恐惧，健康预防措施是能够采取的积极行动——如果没有恐惧，我们将处于更加危险的境地，因为恐惧会促使我们采取行动来增强安全。所以，如果担心细菌，洗手就是一种健康反应，但洗上20分钟而不是20秒，非但不能增加安全性，只会加剧焦虑。像这样“额外的”情绪并不是坏事，但需要不同的反应。如果不能再做什么去避免危险，那么剩下的恐惧和焦虑就需要释放出去。
怎么才能知道自己是否还有情绪呢？也许你会不自觉地来回踱步，相同的想法在脑袋里翻来覆去，却总也下不了决心，一点小事就暴跳如雷，还有一些出于紧张的小毛病，比如咬指甲和捻头发，或沉迷于网络，无度地搜索各种信息，却毫无益处。人们常常觉得自己并没有“感到”焦虑，那是因为焦虑被我上面说的那些行为屏蔽了，被隐藏了。
有一些很好的肢体活动可以释放这种压力，我最喜欢的是“故意晃动”，具体做法是：脚掌站立，上下抖动身体，脚后跟接近但不接触地面。同时，摇晃胳膊和手，甚至全身，发出声音，音调随着身体的上下抖动而改变。“故意晃动”能够有效地释放恐惧和担忧的情绪，当然，只适用于不需要立即逃跑、躲藏或尖叫的情况。处于危险之中时，是不需要冷静的，人们需要这种恐惧来帮助自己生存。
愤怒
愤怒是面对威胁时产生的自然反应，正是有了愤怒，人类才能直面错误，勇于改正。对于愤怒，重要的是要把情绪的健康释放与不必要的暴力分开。释放愤怒的健康方式有：
坚定但不咄咄逼人地告诉对方，你为什么生气，并要求对方改正行为。当然，有时是无法做到的。
象征性地释放情绪，比如：愤怒地画一幅画、敲打钢琴的低音键，或紧紧地拧一块布，对着布咆哮。
采取建设性的行动，让世界变得更美好——无论是整个世界还是你自己的小世界。
不健康的愤怒表达方式包括：大喊大叫、打人或其他的暴力行为，一遍遍地自言自语或对他人不断唠叨自己气急败坏的原因。在一定程度上和他人诉说自己的愤怒是健康的，但不断重复，又没有其他健康的方式来纾解，只会让愤怒变得越来越强烈。
无助
面对比个人或家庭大得多的力量，例如流行病，感到无助是自然的，但总有方法可以激发出人的希望和内在动力。帮助他人可能是最好的方法。可以给邻居送碗汤，还可以给医生和救援人员发电子邮件或手工制作的卡片，表达感谢。我们很容易把注意力聚焦在不能做的事情上，但总有大大小小可以做的事情。如果能够暂时把自己强烈的情绪放到一边（而不是永远赶走），那么每个人都能够倾听自己的家人，倾听家人对于这次危难的情绪。
麻木
处理麻木的关键是理解健康的分心和不健康的否认之间的区别。没有人能够每天24小时时刻面对自己的情绪。
正如上面所说，我们需要深度觉察和分享情绪，但也需要关注更快乐的或中性的事情，这两件事需要交替进行，这就是健康的分心。但如果你认为这些感受太可怕了，就不去感受，完全回避，这就变得不健康了。这样完全隔离感受是无法正常生活的，也无法在危机期间生活。因为保持麻木是很难的，所以很多人会在不知不觉中酗酒、吸毒，或用其他的上瘾方式来保持麻木。在某一时刻，这种循环必须被打破，情绪必须去面对。
快乐
困境中很难找到快乐，但孩子是找乐子的好榜样，看看他们是如何找到快乐的。也许你会觉得，还有那么多人在受苦，感到快乐是不对的。但生活本就五味陈杂，充满各种不同的感受，每种感受都是珍贵的，都应该受到欢迎。
我希望这篇关于感受的简短指南能够对你有所帮助。我的心与你们每一个人同在。我希望这场危机能够快速得到解决，我们的世界能够从中吸取教训，变得更智慧、更强大。对于那些悲伤的人，我希望你们的内心得到平静。
附上劳伦斯·科恩博士的英文原稿👇：
Listen to the inner symphony --- a parent’s emotional guide during coronavirus
Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD
A friend of mine in China wrote to me on wechat about the virus: “Our emotions are complicated: fear, anger, helplessness, numbness…”
These are all completely normal feelings in response to such an abnormal situation. And I am sure many people have an even longer list. It’s also normal to have multiple feelings at the same time, and even to have feelings inside that we aren’t aware we are having. Even one of these feelings can be overwhelming, especially for parents who have to take care of themselves and also take care of their children. Experiencing all of these feelings at once can push even the strongest parent to the edge—or over the edge—of what they can handle.
Dealing with these feelings is especially hard for many Chinese parents because of the strong messages they heard as children to control their feelings, to not express them openly or even feel them. This attitude makes sense from a cultural perspective, which values such as modest and forbearance, but it is not a good fit with what we know now about the neuroscience of emotion. Emotions need to be seen, to flow, they need to be felt inside and shared with others. Only then can they achieve completion, instead of building up inside. Suppressed emotions, after all, don’t disappear. A friend of mine once said, “When we send feelings to the basement, they don’t go away. There is a gym in the basement and the feelings lift weights and get stronger and stronger. Then they come bursting through the door when we least expect them.”
It can be tempting to just ignore these feelings. Maybe if we ignore them they will go away. Maybe if we ignore them no one will nitice we are having them, and shame us for it. But we can’t be as effective in parenting—or even in managing the crisis—without addressing the feelings inside. Parents need to take good care of themselves first, including care of their emotions, before they can do their best in caring for children. Here are a few steps for what to do with all these feelings:
Identify the feelings you have. It could be one strong one, or several at once, or different feelings at different times. Name the feelings (you can easily find online a long list of emotion names). More importantly, note the physical sensations of each feeling. Is there a pressure behind the eyes from tears that have not been shed? Is there tension in the arms and legs, or neck and throat? Is there a cold or warm feeling, a light or heavy feeling? Most people are not used to describing the inner sensations associated with their emotions, so this might take a bit of time, and perhaps some writing in a journal, with a page for each different emotion.
Accept all feelings. Be sure not to exclude from Step 1 any feelings that you find unacceptable. All feelings must be addressed, not just certain ones. It’s also okay if different feelings seem to be contradictory. That’s normal. Feelings don’t follow logic, where a thing can’t be two opposite things at once. It is normal to be scared of the virus, sad for a friend, and glad that your own family is safe—all at the same time.
Identify the “inner voice” that you use to speak to yourself about each feeling. What does it say? What is the tone of voice? In addition to feelings, most people have inner reactions to their feelings. For example, if you are angry the inner voice might say in a shaming voice, “You have no right to be angry, it is your own fault.” If you are sad your inner voice might say, “Stop feeling sorry for yourself others are suffering more.” Or it might say, “It’s okay to be sad, this is a sad situation.” Do you recognize that voice?
Decide whether to accept or challenge that inner voice. Is it the one you really want to listen to about your feelings? If it is supportive, you can listen to it. But if it offers you shame or rejection or fear, then perhaps you can speak back to it gently and say, “Thank you, but I am not a bad person for having this feeling, in fact it is perfectly correct.” Be especially alert for inner voices that try to make you feel ashamed of your feelings.
Once you have noticed, identified, and accepted your feelings, and considered the inner voice you use towards yourself about those feelings, then they are usually less overwhelming. There can be more self-compassion, and the feelings can be part of the symphony of life, instead of one blaring note that makes it impossible to live peacefully.
Now let’s look in turn at a few distinct emotions.
Fear. With fear, and its close relatives worry and anxiety, the important thing is to separate things you can do something about, and any leftover feelings you have after you have done everything posible to be safe. “extra” feelings. Taking health precautions is a positive action that can be taken to deal with a fear. Without fear we would all be in a lot more danger, because fear motivates us to act to increase safety. So washing hands is a healthy response to worry about germs, but washing hands for twenty minutes instead of twenty seconds does not increase safety, it just feeds the anxiety. Extra feelings like this are not bad, but they require a different response. If there is nothing left to be done to avoid danger, then any leftover feelings of fear and anxiety need to be released.
My favorite activity for this is called Shaking on Purpose. Here’s how to do this exercise: Stand on the balls of your feet and shake your body up and down so your heels almost touch the ground. As you do this, shake your arms and hands, and maybe even your whole body. Make a noise that rises and lowers in pitch as you rise up and down. Shaking on Purpose releases fears and worries in a powerful way. This activity only applies, of course, if there is no immediate need to run, hide, or scream. If a person is in danger, they don’t need to calm down; they need that fear to help them survive.
Anger. Anger is a natural response to threat. Human beings have anger so that they can confront something that is wrong and make it right. The important thing to remember with anger is to separate the healthy release of the emotion from unnecessary violence. Some healthy ways to release anger are
To tell someone firmly but without aggression why you are angry, and ask them to correct their behavior. Sometimes, of course, this isn’t possible.
To take it out symbolically by scribbling an angry picture, pounding the low keys of a piano, or growling at a cloth while twisting it in your hands; or
To take constructive action to make the world a better place—the whole world or your own small corner of the world.
Helplessness. It is natural to feel helpless in the face of forces that are so much bigger than one person or one family, such as an epidemic. But there are always things that can be done to inspire a sense of hope and inner drive. Helping others is probably the best one, whether it is bringing soup to a neighbor or sending an email or a handmade card of appreciation to doctors and rescuers. It is easy to focus entirely on what we can’t do, but there are always things big and small that we can do. Listening to other family members as they express their feelings about the crisis is something that anyone can do, if they are able to set their own overwhelming feelings aside for a few minutes (without shoving them away forever).
Numbness. The key to dealing with numbness is to understand the difference between healthy distraction and unhealthy denial. No one can face their feelings all day long every day. Periods of looking deeply at emotions and sharing them, as I’ve described above, must be alternated with periods of putting attention on happier things, or neutral things. That’s healthy distraction. It becomes unhealthy when feelings are seen as too terrible to feel, so they must be avoided completely. It isn’t possible to go through normal life—or life during a crisis—with emotions shoved away to this extent. Numbness is hard to maintain, so many people find themselves using alcohol, drugs, or other types of addictions in order to keep numb. At some point this cycle must be broken and emotions must be faced.
Joy. It can be very hard to find joy in the midst of hardship. Children can be wonderful role models for this, so look to them to see how they are able to find joy and playfulness. Also, it can feel wrong to feel any joy when so many people are suffering. But life is a precious mix of all different feelings, and each one is welcome.
I hope this short guide to feelings has been helpful. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. I hope this crisis will resolve swiftly, and that our world can grow smarter and stronger from the lessons we learn from it. For those who are grieving I offer an additional wish, for peace in your hearts.
*翻译：李凡
*编辑：Catherine
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