从小到大，我和很多同龄人一样，几乎没有接受过任何关于爱情的直接教育，没有人教我们如何去爱、如何维护一段亲密关系、如何面对分手。所有关于爱情的认知都来自于市面上的言情小说，浪漫爱情电影，以及火遍大街小巷的台湾偶像剧。
在这些文艺作品里，爱情总是轰轰烈烈的，充满宿命感的，两个陌生人在茫茫人海中看对了眼，便齐齐坠入爱河，从此幸福快乐地生活在一起。
以至于我曾一度迷信：只要遇见了对的人，我们就能天长地久地在一起。如果没有称心如意的爱情，那一定因为还没有遇到对的人，或者对的人还没有爱上我。
直到20岁时，我偶然翻到了弗洛姆的这本《爱的艺术》。这本精彩绝伦的小书就像一场龙卷风，将我的爱情观拨乱反正。
弗洛姆说：「爱情是一门艺术。人们要学会爱情，就得像学其他的艺术——如音乐、绘画、木工或者医疗艺术和技术一样地行动。
很多人认为爱的问题是一个对象问题，而不是能力问题。他们认为爱本身十分简单，困难在于找到爱的对象或者被爱的对象。
这种观点就类似于一个学画画的人，不去学绘画这门艺术，而是强调他首先要找到他愿意画的合适对象，如果找到了这么一样东西，他也就能画了。」
这一精妙的比喻让我茅塞顿开：爱不是一种感觉，不全然在于对象，而是一种需要习得的能力。那句经典的歌词「其实爱对了人，情人节每天都过」也只说对了50%而已。
正如人们都在说要「爱自己」，却总是对自己十分苛刻，失败一次就把自己贬低到尘埃里，父母都在说「爱孩子」，而他们口中的「爱」，很多时候实则是控制、奴役、打压，让孩子听命于自己。
而如果一个人具有了爱的能力，无论有无伴侣，TA都能过得自如、丰盈、快乐。
很庆幸我在20岁时，读到了这本书，弥补了缺失的爱的教育，重塑了我的爱情观。今天是2月14日，情人节，也想把这本书作为礼物送给大家。
这本薄薄的小书，不仅谈及了狭义的爱情，还涉及父母与孩子之间的爱、自爱等等，涌现了无数妙语金句，阅读起来很轻松，但让人频频驻足思考。我摘录了几段我很受启发的话，整理了双语版，分享给同学们。
01
02
Is love an art? Then it requires knowledge and effort. Or is love a pleasant sensation, which to experience is a matter of chance, something one 'falls into' if one is lucky? This little book is based on the former premise, while undoubtedly the majority of people today believe in the latter.
爱是一门艺术吗？如果爱是一门艺术，那就要求人们有这方面的知识并付出努力。或者爱仅仅是一种偶然产生的令人心荡神怡的感受，只有幸运儿才能“堕入”爱的情网呢？这本小册子以第一种假设为基础，而大多数人毫无疑问相信第二种假设。
但这大多数人决不认为爱情无关紧要，相反他们追求爱情。悲欢离合的爱情电影他们百看不厌，百般无聊的爱情歌曲他们百听不烦。但他们之中没有人认为，人们本可以学会去爱。
03
Most people see the problem of love primarily as that of being loved, rather than that of loving, of one's capacity to love. Hence the problem to them is how to be loved, how to be lovable. In pursuit of this aim they follow several paths.
大多数人认为爱情首先是自己能否被人爱，而不是自己有没有能力爱的问题。因此对他们来说，关键是：我会被人爱吗？我如何才能值得被人爱？为了达到这一目的，他们采取了各种途径。
One, which is especially used by men, is to be successful, to be as powerful and rich as the social margin of one's position permits. Another, used especially by women, is to make oneself attractive, by cultivating one's body, dress, etc. Other ways of making oneself attractive, used both by men and women, are to develop pleasant manners, interesting conversation, to be helpful, modest, inoffensive.
男子通常采取的方法是在其社会地位所允许的范围内，尽可能地去获得名利和权力，而女子则是通过保持身段和服饰打扮使自己富有魅力；而男女都喜欢采用的方式则是使自己具有文雅的举止，有趣的谈吐，乐于助人，谦虚和谨慎。
Many of the ways to make oneself lovable are the same as those used to make oneself successful, 'to win friends and influence people.' As a matter of fact, what most people in our culture mean by being lovable is essentially a mixture between being popular and having sex appeal.
为了使自己值得被人爱而采用的许多方法与人们要在社会上获得成功所采用的方法雷同，即都是“要赢得朋友和对他人施加影响”。事实上，我们这个社会大多数人所理解的“值得被人爱”无非是赢得人心和对异性有吸引力这两种倾向的混合物而已。
04
A second premise behind the attitude that there is nothing to be learned about love is the assumption that the problem of love is the problem of an object, not the problem of a faculty. People think that to love is simple, but that to find the right object to love—or to be loved by—is difficult.
产生在爱这件事上一无可学这一看法的第二个原因是人们认为爱的问题是一个对象问题，而不是能力问题。他们认为爱本身十分简单，困难在于找到爱的对象或被爱的对象。
05
Love is not primarily a relationship to a specific person; it is an attitude, an orientation of character which determines the relatedness of a person to the world as a whole, not toward one 'object' of love. If a person loves only one other person and is indifferent to the rest of his fellow men, his love is not love but a symbiotic attachment, or an enlarged egotism.
爱首先不是同一个特殊的人的关系，而更多的是一种态度，性格上的一种倾向。这种态度决定一个人同整个世界，而不是同爱的唯一“对象”的关系。如果一个人只爱他的对象，而对其他的人无动于衷，他的爱就不是爱，而是一种共生有机体的联系或者是一种更高级意义上的自私。
06
Love is an activity, not a passive affect; it is a 'standing in,' not a 'falling for.' In the most general way, the active character of love can be described by stating that love is primarily giving, not receiving.
爱情是一种积极的，而不是消极的情绪。一般来说可以用另一个说法来表达，即爱情首先是给而不是得。
07
For the productive character, giving has an entirely different meaning. Giving is the highest expression of potency. In the very act of giving, I experience my strength, my wealth, my power. This experience of heightened vitality and potency fills me with joy. I experience myself as over-flowing, spending, alive, hence as joyous.' Giving is more joyous than receiving, not because it is a deprivation, but because in the act of giving lies the expression of my alive- ness.
有创造性的人对“给”的理解完全不同。他们认为“给”是力量的最高表现，恰恰是通过“给”，我才能体验我的力量，我的“富裕”，我的“活力”。体验到生命力的升华使我充满了欢乐。我感觉到自己生气勃勃，因而欣喜万分。“给”比“得”带来更多的愉快，这不是因为“给”是一种牺牲，而是因为通过“给”表现了我的生命力。
08
Responsibility could easily deteriorate into domination and possessiveness, were it not for a third component of love, respect. Respect is not fear and awe; it denotes, in accordance with the root of the word (respicere = to look at), the ability to see a person as he is, to be aware of his unique individuality. Respect means the concern that the other per- son should grow and unfold as he is. Respect, thus, implies the absence of exploitation. I want the loved person to grow and unfold for his own sake, and in his own ways, and not for the purpose of serving me.
If I love the other person, I feel one with him or her, but with him as he is, not as I need him to be as an object for my use. It is clear that respect is possible only if I have achieved independence; if I can stand and walk without needing crutches, without having to dominate and exploit anyone else. Respect exists only on the basis of freedom: 'l'amour est l'enfant de la liberte' as an old French song says; love is the child of freedom, never that of domination.
如果我爱他人，我应该感到和他一致，而且接受他本来的面目，而不是要求他成为我希望的样子，以便使我能把他当作使用的对象。只有当我自己达到独立，在没有外援的情况下独立地走自己的路，即不想去控制和利用别人，只有在这种情况下，尊重对方才成为可能。只有在自由的基础上才会有爱情，正像在一首古老的法国歌曲中唱的那样“爱情是自由之子，永远不会是控制的产物”。
09
Infantile love follows the principle: 'I love because I am loved.' Mature love follows the principle: 'I am loved be-cause I love.' Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says: 'I need you because I love you.'
天真的、孩童式的爱情遵循下列原则：“我爱，因为我被人爱。”成熟的爱的原则是：“我被人爱，因为我爱人。”不成熟的、幼稚的爱是：“我爱你，因为我需要你”，而成熟的爱是：“我需要你，因为我爱你。”
10
If a woman told us that she loved flowers, and we saw that she forgot to water them, we would not believe in her 'love' for flowers. Love is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love. Where this active con- cern is lacking, there is no love.
如果有一位妇女对我们说她很爱花，可是我们却发现她忘记浇花，我们就不会相信她说的话。爱情是对生命以及我们所爱之物生长的积极的关心。如果缺乏这种积极的关心，那么这只是一种情绪，而不是爱情。
11
What does one person give to another? He gives of himself, of the most precious he has, he gives of his life. This does not necessarily mean that he sacrifices his life for the other—but that he gives him of that which is alive in him; he gives him of his joy, of his interest, of his understanding, of his knowledge, of his humor, of his sadness—of all expressions and manifestations of that which is alive in him.
一个人究竟能给予别人什么呢？他可以把他拥有的最宝贵的东西，他的生命给予别人。但这并不一定意味着他一定要为别人献出自己的生命，而是他应该把他内心有生命力的东西给予别人。他应该同别人分享他的欢乐、兴趣、理解力、知识、幽默和悲伤——简而言之一切在他身上有生命力的东西。
12
Mature love is union under the condition of preserving one's integrity, one's individuality. Love is an active power in man; a power which breaks through the walls which separate man from his fellow men,which unites him with others; love makes him overcome the sense of isolation and separateness, yet it permits him to be himself, to retain his integrity. In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two.
成熟的爱情是在保留自己完整性和独立性的条件下，也就是保持自己个性的条件下与他人合二为一。爱情是一种积极的力量，这种力量可以冲破人与人之间的高墙并使人与人结合。爱情可以使人克服孤寂和与世隔绝感，但同时又使人保持对自己的忠诚，保持自己的完整性和本来的面貌。在爱情中出现了两个生命合为一体，却依然保持两体的怪现象。
13
One can often find two people 'in love' with each other who feel no love for anybody else. Their love is, in fact, an egotism adeux; they are two people who identify themselves with each other, and who solve the problem of separateness by enlarging the single individual into two. They have the experience of overcoming aloneness, yet, since they are separated from the rest of mankind, they remain separated from each other and alienated from them- selves; their experience of union is an illusion.
我们经常看到互为相爱，但对其他人却毫无情感的男女。他们的这种爱实际上是一种共同的自私，这些人往往把自己同所爱之人等同起来，并通过把一个人分成两个人的办法来克服人与人之间的隔绝。他们以为这样做就能克服孤独。但正因为他们远远脱离同时代的人，所以他们之间实际上也是隔绝和互为陌生的，结合对他们来说只是一种幻觉。
14
Love, in principle, is indivisible as far as the connection between 'objects' and one's own self is concerned. Genuine love is an expression of productiveness and implies care, respect, responsibility and knowledge. It is not an 'affect' in the sense of being affected by somebody, but an active striving for the growth and happiness of the loved person, rooted in one's own capacity to love.
一切有能力爱别人的人必定也爱自己。原则上爱自己和爱别人是不可分的。真正的爱是内在创造力的表现，包括关怀、尊重、责任心和了解诸因素。爱不是一种消极的冲动情绪，而是积极追求被爱人的发展和幸福，这种追求的基础是人的爱的能力。
The End
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