How to Listen When Someone is Upset

 

The power of emotional validation

Published on June 18, 2011 by Guy Winch, Ph.D. in The Squeaky Wheel

When our loved-one erupts in anger and frustration, the last thing most of us think to do is to pour fuel on the fire by telling them they should feel angry and frustrated. Yet when done correctly, providing someone emotional validation can have extremely surprising results that strengthen relationship bonds.

We've all been in situations in which a loved one is incredibly upset. It is often hard to know the best way to react in such scenarios. Our instinct is to try and calm them down but that is not easy to do and it might even be risky. As a result we are often extremely uncomfortable and at a loss for what to say. If their anger is directed toward us we might need to consider How To Apologize Effectively but regardless, we need to validate their emotions.

The idea of fanning the flames by telling the person in question they have every right to feel irate or livid seems counterintuitive. But when we convey exactly that message and do so from a place of empathy and sympathy, something magical happens. Rather than inciting the other person's fury and fueling their fire, our message of emotional validation actually douses the flame!.

Emotional validation is something we all seek and crave far more than we realize. When we are upset, angry, frustrated, disappointed or hurt, our tendency is to want to discuss our feelings with others so we can get it off our chest.

However, getting things off our chest by telling others about our feelings is not always satisfying or cathartic. If the person to whom we vent simply looks at us and shrugs or responds by giving us advice or by telling us what we did wrong, we won't feel any better and we will probably feel worse after speaking with them.

What we seek when venting to others is for that person to 'get it', to understand what happened to us and why we feel the way we do. We want them to validate our feelings by conveying that understanding to us and to do so with a dollop of sympathy or empathy (read: How to Test Your Empathy).

When we are extremely angry or upset, we tell someone why and they totally get it truly and effectively validates our feelings. As a result, the relief and catharsis we experience is tremendous! Only then can we actually let go of at least some of the feelings we had built up. It is that which feels like an authentic visceral 'release'.

However, true cathartic experiences of this kind are actually rarer than we realize. We typically find the need to express our tales of woe, outrage or sadness to many people because we rarely get the response we crave-true emotional validation. When someone does finally offer us real emotional validation, we tend to feel extremely grateful to them for doing so.

We might think our nearest and dearest, those who know us best would be the best sources of emotional validation but unfortunately, this is not usually the case. Those who care about us the most are most likely to be personally distressed by our own distress. As a result they are might (with the best of good intentions) try to minimize our emotional experience ("Don't dwell on it, " "Just let it go" or "Don't let them get to you") or to offer solutions ("here's what you should do" "Don't mope, take action!") instead of reflecting their understanding and acceptance of our pain.

Again, although their intentions might be good, such responses can feel more emotionally dismissive than they do helpful or cathartic. If these loved ones first provided emotional validation and then offered such advice, we might be far more receptive to their suggestions but this is rarely the case.

So how does one offer authentic emotional validation?

The Recipe for Authentic Emotional Validation

Here are the steps for offering authentic emotional validation. But take note: You must do all 5 steps and do them correctly to achieve the desired impact.

1. Let the person complete their narrative so you have all the facts.

2. Convey you get what happened to them from their perspective (whether you agree with that perspective or not and even if their perspective is obviously skewed).

3. Convey you understand how they felt as a result of what happened (from their perspective).

4. Convey that their feelings are completely reasonable (which they are given their perspective).

5. Convey empathy or sympathy (not pity!) for their emotional reactions.

Lastly, if your loved ones are not good at emotional validation when you vent to them about your own emotionally painful experiences, email them this article-it will be worth it!

 

 

    当所爱的人怒发冲冠、懊恼受挫时，我们大多数人认为最不该做的事是：火上浇油地说一句“你应该生气，你应该懊恼。” 然而，如果处理得当，这样的情绪认可却能够在加强人际纽带方面取得极其惊人的效果。

    应对他人的愤怒

    我们都曾遇到过所爱的人发怒的时候。这种情况下常常很难找到最好的应对方式。我们本能地努力使他们冷静下来，但是做到这点既不容易，还可能具有风险。结果，我们往往感到很不舒服，而且无话可说。若是他们的愤怒指向了我们，我们还得考虑如何有效地道歉，但是不去理会这些，我们需要认可他们的情绪。

    告诉别人他们有权感到愤怒，这种煽风点火的方式似乎有悖直觉。但是当我们准确地传递这一信号，以一种理解和同感的出发点来认可他们的情绪，神奇的事情就会出现。情绪认可不仅没有煽动人的愤怒，点燃他们愤怒的火花，反而使他们冷静下来。

    情绪认可是人类基本需求

    我们一直在追求渴望得到情绪认可，这一点远远超过我们的意识。当我们生气，发怒，沮丧，失望或是受伤时，我们常常想与他人讨论我们的感受，以此舒怀。

    然而，这种方式并不总是令人满意或宣泄出了情感。如果我们宣泄的对象看着我们，耸耸肩，仅以“是你做错了”作为建议来回应我们，我们一点也不会感到好受，可能会在交谈后感到更糟糕。

    在倾诉时我们追寻的是他人“懂得我们”，理解发生在我们身上的事情，以及我们为什么这样做。我们想要他们通过传达理解、共鸣和同感来认可我们的感受。

    我们极度生气懊恼时，我们告诉他人为什么，他们完全理解了，有效地认可我们的感受。于是，我们才大大地体会到宽慰和宣泄。

    真正的情感认可不易达到

    然而，这种真正的宣泄经历实际上少之又少。我们常需要向许多人倾诉痛苦、愤怒和悲伤的故事，因为我们很少获得了所追求的情绪认可。若有人最终做到这点，我们一定会感激不尽。

    我们可能认为最近最亲爱最了解我们的人是情绪认可的最佳人选，可惜，事情并非如此。最关心我们的人最可能受到我们沮丧心情的影响，也变得沮丧。结果，他们可能出于好意，让我们减少情绪体验，说些“不要想这事儿了，不去管他，不要让这些事影响到你”之类的话，要么就是提供解决办法，说些“这就是你该做的，不要闷闷不乐了，行动起来！”，他们并未理解和接受我们的痛苦。

    再说，虽然他们出于好心，那种反馈反而会令我们感到更加沮丧，而不是对我们有所帮助。如果所爱的人一开始就认可我们的情绪，再提出那样的建议，我们可能更容易接受这些建议，但是这种事情很少发生。

    那么如何做到真正的情绪认可呢？

    真正的情绪认可

    以下是提供真正的情绪认可的步骤。但是记住：为了达到期望的效果，你必须准确对完成这五个步骤。

    让他讲完所有的内容，这样你才掌握了全部的情况。

    表达出站在他的角度，你明白他的遭遇。无论你是否赞同那个角度，即使他的角度显然是错的。

    表达出你明白事情发生后他们的感受。（请站在他的角度。）

    表达出他们的感受是完全合理的。（以他的角度所得到的感受）

    针对他的情绪回应，表达出理解和同感（不是惋惜）

    最后，当你向所爱的人倾诉自己的痛苦经历时，他若不善于情绪认可，请给他写信，这是值得的！