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My daughter Allie is leaving for college in a week. Her room is cluttered with shopping bags filled with blankets, towels, jeans, sweaters.
一周后,女儿艾莉就要离开家去上大学了,她的房间里堆满了购物袋,里边满是毛毯、毛巾、牛仔裤和毛衣.
She won't talk about going.
她闭口不提有关要走的话题.
I say, 'I'm going to miss you.' and she gives me one of her looks and leaves the room. Another time I say, in a voice so friendly that it surprises even me: 'Do you think you'll take your posters and pictures with you, or will you get new ones at college?'
我说：'我会想你的.'她看了我一眼走开了.还有一次,我用近乎讨好的、连自己都惊讶的语气问她：'你打算把自己的海报和图片带走,还是到大学再弄新的呢?'
She answers, her voice filled with annoyance, 'How should I know?'
她却极不耐烦地回答：'我怎么知道?'
My daughter is off with friends most of the time. Yesterday was the last day she'd have until Christmas with her friend Katharine, whom she's known since kindergarten. Soon, it will be her last day with Sarah, Claire, Heather...and then it will be her last day with me.
最近女儿总不在家,多数时间与朋友们在一起.昨天是她与朋友凯瑟琳在圣诞节前一起度过的最后一天.她们从幼儿园起就是朋友.不久,将会是她与萨拉、克莱尔、希瑟……的最后一天.然后,将是她与我度过的最后的一天.
My friend Karen told me, 'The August before I left for college, I screamed at my mother the whole month. Be prepared.'
我的朋友凯伦曾告诉过我：'我离家上大学前的那个八月,对我妈妈吼了整整一个月.你做好准备吧.'
I stand in the kitchen, watching Allie make a glass of iced tea. Her face, once so open and trusting, is closed to me. I struggle to think of something to say to her, something meaningful and warm. I want her to know I'm excited about the college she has chosen, that I know the adventure of her life is just starting and that I am proud of her. But the look on her face is so mad that I think she might slug me if I open my mouth.
我站在厨房,看见艾莉在沏冰茶.她的脸,曾经对我如此坦诚,如此信任,现在却对我冷冰冰的.我想尽量对她说些有意义的或贴心的话.我想告诉她,她选的大学令我很兴奋,我知道她生命的冒险历程才刚开始,我为她感到骄傲.可她脸上的表情如此愤怒,我担心一开口,她就会给我一拳.
One night - after a long period of silence between us - I asked what I might have done or said to make her angry with me. She sighed and said, 'Mom, you haven't done anything. It's fine.' It is fine - just distant.
一天晚上-我们之间沉默了很长一段时间后-我问她,是不是我做过或说过什么话,使她生气了.她叹了口气说：'妈,您没做错什么,一切都很好.'是啊,一切都好-只是我们越来越疏远了.
Somehow in the past we had always found some way to connect. When Allie was a toddler, I would go to the day-care center after work. I'd find a quiet spot and she would nurse - our eyes locked together, reconnecting with each other.
不知为什么,过去我们总能找到沟通的方式.艾莉刚学走路时,我常在下班后去托儿所接她,找一个安静的地方给她喂奶-我们注视着对方,两颗心凝聚在一起.
In middle school, when other mothers were already lamenting the estrangement they felt with their adolescent daughters, I hit upon a solution: rescue raids. I would show up occasionally at school, sign her out of class and take her somewhere - out to lunch, to the movies, once for a long walk on the beach. It may sound irresponsible, but it kept us close when other mothers and daughters were floundering. We talked about everything on those outings - outings we kept secret from family and friends.
女儿上中学时,许多妈妈悲伤地发现,进入青春期的女儿与自己的距离越来越远了.我偶然想出了一个好的解决办法：'营救奇袭.'我不时会突然出现在校园,签字让她离开教室,把她带到其他的地方-吃饭、看电影.有一次,我还带她去海边散步,走了很长一段路.听起来似乎有点儿不负责任,但其他的母女不知所措时,我们的关系却更密切了.我们外出散步,几乎无话不谈-外出游玩成了我们两人的秘密,对所有的家人和朋友都保密.
When she started high school, I'd get up with her in the morning to make her a sandwich for lunch, and we'd silently drink a cup of tea together before the 6:40 bus came.
她开始上高中时,早上我和她同时起床,为她的午餐准备三明治,然后我们一起静静地喝茶,直到6:40的班车到来.
A couple of times during her senior year I went into her room at night, the light off, but before she went to sleep. I'd sit on the edge of her bed, and she'd tell me about problems: a teacher who lowered her grade because she was too shy to talk in class, a boy who teased her, a friend who had started smoking. Her voice, coming out of the darkness, was young and questioning.
她上高三的时候,有几次,晚上我走进她的房间,灯已经关了,可她并没有睡,我就坐在她床边跟她聊天.她会跟我诉说遇到的一些困难：因为她在课堂上太害羞,不敢大胆发言,一个老师给了她低分；有一个男生嘲笑她；她的一个朋友开始抽烟了.她的声音从黑暗中传来,听起来那么年轻而又充满困惑.
A few days later I'd hear her on the phone, repeating some of the things I had said, things she had adopted for her own.
几天后,我听到她在打电话时,把和我说过的话重复给别人听.她已经照我的话去做了.
But now we are having two kinds of partings. I want the romanticized version, where we go to lunch and lean across the table and say how much we will miss each other. I want smiles through tears, bittersweet moments of reminiscence and the chance to offer some last bits of wisdom.
现在,对于离别,我们却有两种不同的看法.我想用浪漫的方式告别,出去吃顿午餐,坐在饭桌旁对视着,诉说我们会多么思念对方.我想有流泪的微笑、苦且甜的回忆,临别时,还有机会互诉最后几点看法.
But as she prepares to depart, Allie's feelings have gone under ground. When I reach to touch her arm, she pulls away. She turns down every invitation I extend. She lies on her bed, reading Emily Dickinson until I say l have always loved Emily Dickinson, and then she closes the book.
但当艾莉准备离家时,却把情感封闭起来.要是我伸手去触摸她的手臂,她就把手抽回去.她拒绝我所有的邀请,她躺在床上读艾米莉·迪金森,我要是说自己也喜欢时,她就干脆把书合上.
Some say the tighter your bond with your child, the greater her need to break away, to establish her own identity in the world. The more it will hurt, they say. A friend of mine who went through a difficult time with her daughter but now has become close to her again, tells me, 'Your daughter will be back to you,'
有人说过,你把孩子拴得越牢,她越想挣脱你,证明自己存在的价值的意愿就越强烈.他们说,这样对母亲的伤害也越大.我的一位朋友和女儿刚刚经历了这样一段艰难的日子,但现在两人又关系亲密了.她告诉我：'你女儿会回到你身边的.'
'I don't know,' I say. I sometimes feel so angry that I want to go over and shake Allie. I want to say, 'Talk to me - or you're grounded!' I feel myself wanting to say that most horrible of all mother phrases: 'Think of everything I've done for you.'
'我不知道,'我说.有时候,我感到非常气愤,真想好好审问她,摇晃着艾莉的肩膀大声说,'跟我说话-不然我打你.'我只想说,所有妈妈都会说的最可怕的一句话：'想想我为你做的一切吧.'
Late one night, as I'm getting ready for bed, she comes to the bathroom door and watches me brush my teeth. For a moment, I think I must be brushing my teeth in a way she doesn't approve of. But then she says, 'I want to read you something.' It's a pamphlet from her college. 'These are tips for parents.'
一天深夜,我正准备洗漱上床睡觉,她来到浴室门口,看着我刷牙.那时,我正在想她肯定不喜欢我刷牙的方式.但她说,'我想读点东西给您听,'这是大学发的小册子,'是给父母的温馨提示.'
I watch her face as she reads the advice aloud: ''Don't ask your child if she is homesick,' it says.?She might feel bad the first few weeks, but don't let it worry you. This is a natural time of transition. Write her letters and call her a lot. Send a package of goodies...''
她大声朗读上面的建议,我看着她的脸：'‘不要问你的孩子是否想家,'上面说,‘她可能在刚开始的几个星期不适应,但是不用担心,这是转变期的正常现象.多给她写信,多打电话,寄一些好吃的东西……''
Her voice breaks, and she comes over to me and buries her head in my shoulder. I stroke her hair, lightly, afraid she'll bolt if I say a word. We stand there together for long moments, swaying, reconnecting.
她突然停了下来,走近我,把头搭在我的肩膀上.我轻柔地抚摸着她的头发,害怕一说话,她就要逃开.我们在那里站了很久,轻轻地摇晃着,两颗心再次凝聚在一起.
I know it will be hard again. It's likely there will be a fight about something. But I am grateful to be standing in here at midnight, both of us tired and sad, toothpaste smeared on my chin, holding tight to - while also letting go of - my daughter who is trying to say good-bye.
我知道以后可能还会有艰难的时候,还会为了某些事争吵.但我非常感激,能在此时此刻,一起站在那里.我们都很疲惫,很伤心,我下巴上还沾满了牙膏.我用手紧紧搂住即将放飞的女儿-她正试着向我告别.
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