MARTA MONTEIRO
（本文发表于时报观点与评论版面，作者是Mary Pipher。）
When I told my friends I was writing a book on older women like us, they immediately protested, “I am not old.” What they meant was that they didn’t act or feel like the cultural stereotypes of women their age. Old meant bossy, useless, unhappy and in the way. Our country’s ideas about old women are so toxic that almost no one, no matter her age, will admit she is old.
当我告诉我的朋友，我正在写一本关于我们这样的老年女性的书时，她们立即抗议，“我不老。”她们的意思是，她们并没有表现出或觉察到那种对于这个年龄段的女性的文化刻板印象。老意味着专横、无用、不悦，以及挡道。我们国家关于老年女性的想法如此恶毒，以至于几乎没有人会承认她已经老了，不管她的年龄几何。
In America, ageism is a bigger problem for women than aging. Our bodies and our sexuality are devalued, we are denigrated by mother-in-law jokes, and we’re rendered invisible in the media. Yet, most of the women I know describe themselves as being in a vibrant and happy life stage. We are resilient and know how to thrive in the margins. Our happiness comes from self-knowledge, emotional intelligence and empathy for others.
在美国，年龄歧视对女人们来说是比衰老本身更大的问题。我们的身体和我们的性欲贬值，我们被关于丈母娘的笑话诋毁，我们在媒体上被忽视。然而，我认识的大多数女性都将自己描述为处于精彩、幸福的人生阶段。我们适应能力很强，知道如何在边缘地带过得有声有色。我们的快乐来自自我认知、情商和对他人的同理心。
Most of us don’t miss the male gaze. It came with catcalls, harassment and unwanted attention. Instead, we feel free from the tyranny of worrying about our looks. For the first time since we were 10, we can feel relaxed about our appearance. We can wear yoga tights instead of nylons and bluejeans instead of business suits.
我们大多不怀念男性的盯视。它伴随着嘘声、骚扰和不请自来的关注。相反，我们已经从这种担心外表的暴政中走出。自从10岁以来，我们第一次对外表感到放松。我们可以穿紧身瑜伽裤而不是尼龙裤袜，牛仔裤而不是商务套装。
Yet, in this developmental stage, we are confronted by great challenges. We are unlikely to escape great sorrow for long. We all suffer, but not all of us grow. Those of us who grow do so by developing our moral imaginations and expanding our carrying capacities for pain and bliss. In fact, this pendulum between joy and despair is what makes old age catalytic for spiritual and emotional growth.
然而，在这个发展阶段，我们面临着巨大的挑战。过不了多久我们可能都得遭遇巨大的悲伤。我们都在承受痛苦，但并非所有人都在成长。我们中间那些成长的人是通过培养道德想象力和扩大对悲喜的承载能力来实现的。事实上，正是这种快乐与绝望之间的摆动使年龄催化出精神和情感上的成长。
By our 70s, we’ve had decades to develop resilience. Many of us have learned that happiness is a skill and a choice. We don’t need to look at our horoscopes to know how our day will go. We know how to create a good day.
到70岁时，我们已经有几十年的时间来培养适应能力。我们中的许多人都了解到，幸福是一种技能和选择。我们不需要看那些占星术来了解我们的生活会怎样。我们知道如何创造美好的一天。
We have learned to look every day for humor, love and beauty. We’ve acquired an aptitude for appreciating life. Gratitude is not a virtue but a survival skill, and our capacity for it grows with our suffering. That is why it is the least privileged, not the most, who excel in appreciating the smallest of offerings.
我们已经学会了每一天都去寻找幽默、爱和美。我们已经获得了感恩生命的天赋。感恩并不是一种美德，而是一种生存技能，我们的这种能力随着我们的痛苦生长。这就是为什么那些最少受到优待人——而非最多——才善于去感激微不足道的施与。
Many women flourish as we learn how to make everything workable. Yes, everything. As we walk out of a friend’s funeral, we can smell wood smoke in the air and taste snowflakes on our tongues.
当我们学会如何让一切可行时，许多女人会意气风发起来。是的，一切。当我们走出某个朋友的葬礼时，我们可以闻到空气中的燃木烟味，我们的舌尖可以尝到雪花的味道。
Our happiness is built by attitude and intention. Attitude is not everything, but it’s almost everything. I visited the jazz great Jane Jarvis when she was old, crippled and living in a tiny apartment with a window facing a brick wall. I asked if she was happy and she replied, “I have everything I need to be happy right between my ears.”
我们的快乐建立在态度和目标上。态度不是一切，但它几乎是一切。我曾拜访伟大的爵士乐手简·贾维斯(Jane Jarvis)，那时她年事已高，腿脚不便，生活在一个窗户面朝一堵砖墙的小公寓里。我问她是否幸福，她回答说：“在我两耳之间有着足以让我感到幸福的东西。”
We may not have control, but we have choices. With intention and focused attention, we can always find a forward path. We discover what we are looking for. If we look for evidence of love in the universe, we will find it. If we seek beauty, it will spill into our lives any moment we wish. If we search for events to appreciate, we discover them to be abundant.
我们可能无法控制，但我们还有选择。有了目标，专心致志，我们总能找到前进的道路。我们可以发现我们在寻找什么。如果我们寻找宇宙中爱的证据，我们会找到的。如果我们追求美，它可以在我们想要的任何时候涌进生活。如果我们寻找值得欣赏的事物，我们会发现这样的事无穷无尽。
There is an amazing calculus in old age. As much is taken away, we find more to love and appreciate. We experience bliss on a regular basis. As one friend said: “When I was young I needed sexual ecstasy or a hike to the top of a mountain to experience bliss. Now I can feel it when I look at a caterpillar on my garden path.”
人到老年会有一种惊人的得失计算。我们失去了很多东西，但与此同时，我们可以发现更多值得去爱与欣赏的东西。我们可以经常体验到幸福。就像一个朋友说的:“当我年轻的时候，要体验幸福，我需要性爱的陶醉，或者徒步到山顶。现在，当我看到花园小径上的毛毛虫，我就能感受到到幸福。”
Older women have learned the importance of reasonable expectations. We know that all our desires will not be fulfilled, that the world isn’t organized around pleasing us and that others, especially our children, are not waiting for our opinions and judgments. We know that the joys and sorrows of life are as mixed together as salt and water in the sea. We don’t expect perfection or even relief from suffering. A good book, a piece of homemade pie or a call from a friend can make us happy. As my aunt Grace, who lived in the Ozarks, put it, “I get what I want, but I know what to want.”
年长的女性懂得了合理期望的重要性。我们知道不是所有愿望都会得到满足，这个世界不是为了取悦我们而存在，其他人，尤其是我们的孩子，不会等待我们的意见和判断。我们知道，人生的喜怒哀乐就像大海里的盐和水一样融为一体。我们不期待完美，甚至不期待从痛苦中解脱。一本好书，一块自制的馅饼或一个朋友的电话可以使我们快乐。就像我住在欧扎克的格蕾丝阿姨说的那样：“我得到了我期待的，但我知道应该期待什么。”
We can be kinder to ourselves as well as more honest and authentic. Our people-pleasing selves soften their voices and our true selves speak more loudly and more often. We don’t need to pretend to ourselves and others that we don’t have needs. We can say no to anything we don’t want to do. We can listen to our hearts and act in our own best interest. We are less angst-filled and more content, less driven and more able to live in the moment with all its lovely possibilities.
我们可以对自己更好，也可以更加诚实和真诚。我们性格里取悦他人的那一面会弱下来，而我们真实的那一面则会更响亮、更经常地发声。我们不需要对自己和他人假装我们没有需求。我们可以拒绝任何我们不想做的事情。我们可以倾听自己的心声，为自己的最大利益而行动。我们不再那么焦虑，我们更满足，更不受逼迫，更能活在充满美好可能性的当下。
Many of us have a shelterbelt of good friends and long-term partners. There is a sweetness to 50-year-old friendships and marriages that can’t be described in language. We know each other’s vulnerabilities, flaws and gifts; we’ve had our battles royal and yet are grateful to be together. A word or a look can signal so much meaning. Lucky women are connected to a rich web of women friends. Those friends can be our emotional health insurance policies.
我们中的许多人都有好朋友和长期伴侣组成的防护林。持续50年的友谊和婚姻会有一种无法用语言描述的甜蜜。我们知道彼此的弱点、缺点和天赋；我们有过争斗，但依然感激能够彼此相伴。一个词或一个眼神可以传达很多意思。幸运的女人总会拥有大量女性朋友。她们可以成为我们情感健康的保单。
The only constant in our lives is change. But if we are growing in wisdom and empathy, we can take the long view. We’ve lived through seven decades of our country’s history, from Truman to Trump. I knew my great-grandmother, and if I live long enough, will meet my great-grandchildren. I will have known seven generations of family. I see where I belong in a long line of Scotch-Irish ancestors. I am alive today only because thousands of generations of resilient homo sapiens managed to procreate and raise their children. I come from, we all come from, resilient stock, or we wouldn’t be here.
我们生活中唯一不变的是变化。但如果智慧和同理心不断成长，我们就能放眼长远。从杜鲁门到特朗普，我们经历了70年的美国历史。我见过我的曾祖母，如果我活得够久，就能见到我的曾孙。我将见证家庭中的七代人。我知道自己在一长串苏格兰-爱尔兰祖先血脉里的位置。我能活到今天，是因为数千代顽强的智人成功繁衍生息并且养育后代。我，还有我们大家，我们都来自一个顽强的种群，否则我们现在不会在这里。
By the time we are 70, we have all had more tragedy and more bliss in our lives than we could have foreseen. If we are wise, we realize that we are but one drop in the great river we call life and that it has been a miracle and a privilege to be alive.
到70岁的时候，我们在生活中经历的悲剧和幸福总比我们预想的要多。如果我们是明白人，我们会意识到，我们只是生命长河里的一滴水，而活着本身就是奇迹与优待。
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