高中生与“百管父母”之间如何调和矛盾？

但是凌哥还是花了整整一个白天的时间认真写了一篇超长超长的回复，因为无论是过去、现在、还是将来，这个问题一直会存在。希望能帮助到有需要的人。

如果需要中文版，长按复制全文，然后“百度翻译”里面请度娘代劳一下。

微友提问

Recently, troubled by the pain between my parents and me, I'm writing to seek your advice. 

First, they take it for granted that they have the right to read my diary and to interfere with my social life just to protect me, making it impossible for me to make friends ,

Besides, on my entering senior high, my parents care too much about my study, as if I were a robot deprived of any entertainment. Every time I surfed the Internet, they would shot me angry eyes.

I wonder why they are so hard on a teenager and find fault with my behavior .

（凌哥已经修改了文字错误）

Hi, there, 

I feel glad to have you here, and thank you for your good question. Could you tell me more about your background: living on campus or at home? home in a village or a town or a city? boy or girl? your parents' education background?

By the way, I see some mis-spellings, missing punctuation marks, and poorly structured sentences. Did you write all by yourself or use an APP ( an online dictionary or translator) to help you? 

(There was no reply from the inquirer and then Mr Ling found out that s/he was no longer a follower. Anyway, Mr Ling takes it seriously and will continue to answer. )

As it is unlikely to get in touch with the inquirer, Mr Ling has to give a blind but thorough answer as much as possible.

We all hope we can live in a harmonious happy family. However, conflicts often exist between parents and their children. In some families they solve them, in some families they cope with them, while in other families conflicts become barriers and lead to wars ---- either or both sides lose.

Mr Ling would like to discuss this complicated “trouble” from four aspects.

Part I: The family

How do we define “family”?

A family is more than a group or a gathering of people.

A family is a unit and a unity, which, poetically, implies “father and mother, I love you” and in which the members are very closely related. In this sense, the family members have common interest. It, in turn, means each member needs to contribute to the common interest. The adults work to earn money to support the life of the family, to provide for young children’s education, and to extend care to the kids, the sick and the elderly. The children work to guarantee the sustainability of the family and the future of their own life.

The family is the place to hold ultimate and utmost trust and to uphold every member in it. In this sense, a family is a transparent house and a strong steel structure most of the time. Any thought or behavior that betrays or harms the interest of the family is considered inappropriate. 

Whatever happens, a family as well as the home can be the place for safety and rest. Family members shoulder responsibilities together and face difficulties together. By sharing happiness and sorrow, defeating trouble and difficulties, shouldering burdens and missions, members become understanding and supportive, and the family becomes steady and strong. 

Part II: The Interest

As said before, the family members have common and shared interests. However, family members each are individuals. The children don’t live in the family environment all day and they are influenced greatly by what they see, hear and meet outside the family. As the result of the influencing, they may think and behave differently from their parents. When they bring new air to the family, how do parents react? Parents’ positive or negative attitudes towards the children’s new ideas and behaviors will lead to the children’s relevant reaction. Sometimes they will share with their parents and sometimes they will hide from their parents. 

When disagreement arises, many a person will argue right-or-wrong from his own point of view instead of discussing the problem from the interest of the family. As a result, nobody is willing to give up his “rightness”.

Also, as a child grows up, he/she may find his/her own need and interest.

Here is a real-life case of my childhood pal. After he graduated from junior middle school, he wanted to be a watch/clock repairer because he was interested in the exquisite mechanical gadgets. But his parents insisted that he should go to a culinary school because it makes a lot more money each time and eating is a daily matter while not many watches need to be repaired.

You can imagine how dismayed my pal felt when he was “forced” to learn to cook and actually he did and ran a restaurant later and earned a sum of money.

Judging from today’s buy-and-perish consuming practice, we must admit how wise his parents were because they judged from a practical and down-to-earth perspective. 

You know what, now my pal is a wealthy investor and CEO of several expressway service stations, which is neither his childhood dream nor his parents’ original plan. But, apparently, we can see that the family’s interest is still maintained.

Part III: “The Black box”

As discussed in the previous section, a family and a home is often considered a transparent place, especially in parents’ mind. No parents want their children to be positioned in a black box. When the child is alone, the parents are anxious. They want to make sure that they are still able to know what’s going on with their child in case something dangerous or harmful might occur.

This explains why your parents take it for granted that they have the right to read your diary. What the children need to understand is their parents’ concern: they want their children to be safe and to go along the right path.

For most kids, keeping a diary is more than writing. It is a ritual to show that they have their own independent thoughts. It means they need some privacy. Sometimes it is also a way to balance their personal opinions with public opinions, especially when their opinions need to be expressed. This is a way they reflect on their life and talk to themselves. As they age, they may stop writing diaries for different reasons, --- as is the case with most adults.

Actually, as we all know, if the parents insist on reading kids’ diary, the kids might not write the truth in the diary or just give up writing diaries. So it’s very silly that parents insist on doing that. Once the child loses trust in his parents and ceases writing diaries, it’s also unlikely he will share his thoughts with his parents while chatting with them. 

How do we deal with the dilemma of “the Black Box”?

Family talk is the most effective way. A family needs to nurture a convention of entrusting talking with kids. Parents can ask but not be inquisitors. Parents can share their opinions and listen to the kids’ opinions and let themselves judge. Parents need always to show the bright side of the world as well as the dark side of the world but not only be the warners.

Most important of all, in the transparent house of family, parents should always behave in the right way. If you always abide by the rules and laws and exemplify it to your children (such as traffic rules, public etiquette), you don’t have to worry much about your children’s. So, start your education from trifles in your daily life.   

Here I’d like to talk about one important thing: bad company.

When children are in school or outside, they naturally have their own company. This worries parents most. For one thing, they know children need to have their own company. It’s a starting of socialization. For another, they are worried the children are out of control and might find bad company. Indeed, once bad company influences the kids, it becomes a stronger force. 

How can parents prevent this? Again, start early. A vaccine is easier to apply than treatment, and it will save more than treatment. Show the bright and dark behaviors and assert your attitude when your children are very young. 

What can you do? You are almost grown-up. And you realize you need your own space and privacy. But try to understand your parents’ concern. What they are afraid of and worried about is bad behavior and bad company, which will harm you and endanger the core interest of the family. 

So, instead of hiding from your parents, share with them. You can share with them almost anything. What you are learning, reading, listening, watching and playing, what activities you are taking part in, what friends you are making, what opinions you hold over some issues. Actually, as you can see from what I have listed, these are not too secret but daily topics for family chatting. The more you tell them (they are the ones you should trust most) about these, the more they know about you. And then “the black box” will disappear. It will relieve both you and your parents.   

Part IV: The Control

You might have notice that I have mentioned this word in “they feel they are losing control of you”.

Do you feel angry or frustrated when you see that they are trying to controlling you? Actually, “control” is not a bad thing. “Controlling”, or more exactly, “regulation / management” is critical for good order and development. It is a necessary guarantee both for the society, the country and any organizations. Just look at the different ways of controlling COVID-19 in different countries.

The family is not an exception. 

If we regard a family as a social element, we know there are controlling measures covering the social values (social status, pursuit, habits, manners, speeches, behaviors, etc.), finance (income, saving, expense, etc.) and safety (healthy food, avoidance of harm), all of which are for the sustainable development of the family and the society. It looks quite similar to a small country, right?

Parents need to control the children wisely. I often hear about complaints like yours:

“When I am learning all day, my parents would say I am a bookworm. But once I picture the phone or the TV remote, they would say I am not working hard.” 

In such cases, parents’ remarks are really unreasonable.

What about the children? What can they do?

Young children are “naturally” controlled by the parents because they don’t have enough cognitive and physical abilities. But teenagers are more socialized and this fact itself means they need control from parents, the teachers, the social rules, and themselves. And now I will use the word “manage” instead of “control”.

I emphasize the four key word: Parents, teachers, rules, and themselves. Unfortunately, two things are neglected or ignored or misconducted.

One sad thing is that some parents oppose to the teacher’s management over their children. Orally they ask the teachers to manage. But once a terrible incident happens, their second reaction (the first reaction is to mourn) is to blame the school and the teachers. If the teachers have to face such things while their management was reasonable, the schools have to give up their responsibility to manage. 

The other thing sounds urgent: Self-management. Mr Ling feels sad to see that our families and schools tend to manage children’s life all the time in all circumstances to such an extent that once the children have the freedom to manage themselves they don’t know what to do or how to manage themselves. Mr Ling hears of many university freshmen waste time enjoying themselves and some can’t even pass their semester examinations.    

In families and schools, children are fully occupied with different activities. Their only task is to go along the paths and carry out the fixed tasks. They don’t need to make plans because the adults have planned EVERYTHING for them. They don’t have a chance to evaluate and judge because they don’t have choices. They don’t know how to manage time, friendship, projects, and social issues because the adults have done all of these for them and maybe don’t teach them. Just think, how many children are encouraged to manage their own business while they are travelling or going to the hospital? Without being taught or trained in their early years, the children might go wild when they are free to live and decide on their own life, such as making friends, surfing the net, shopping online, and playing online games.

So rather than protesting your parents’ controlling over you, try to display your ability in self-management.

Here are some suggestions:

No. 1: Set up a good routine and form good habits in your learning and life, and stick to them. And of course your parents will see them.

No. 2: Talk to your parents about your new plans, your new friends and listen to your parents’ opinions on them. As shown in the example of my childhood pal, parents have more life experience and may evaluate from more aspects.

No. 3: Be more activein family issues.  Take up errands, do family chores, present your analysis, show your opinions, take care of pets and grandparents, .... All these actions done actively are indicators that you are self-determining and reliable, which will reassure your parents that you can manage yourself well when you are away from home and out of their sight.

Let’s talk about one thing to demonstrate self-management: mistakes. No one can always be right in his/her life. But how we deal with mistakes is also self-management. Take up your responsibilities when you make a mistake. 

• Admit your mistake.

• Find out the mistake and the reasons / causes by yourself. 

• Do things to remedy. 

• Ask for help when you have difficulty in remedying your mistake. 

• Learn the lesson and avoid the same mistake next time. 

These are the right ways to manage your own mistake. If it IS a mistake. Don’t insist. Don’t hide. Don’t cheat. 

Well, my talking and preaching can only serve as some edification and suggestions for both you and your parents. They can’t solve all problems. 

Communication, reflection and action will do. 

Hope things will turn better with your family.

All the best wishes!

四个年级的上下册，都有哦！