I can only marry your photo this present life

I  can only marry your photo this present life

I can only marry your photo this present life

 By Ruth

If there is an afterlife, I still want to meet you; if there is really a next life, I would like as your daughter, so we won’t apart from each other, and then I’ll have a reason for along with you.

Jack and Ruth just as the sun and the moon, superseding at daybreak and nightfall--No intersection.

What an ice-cold face! It warmed my heart

Many people said: Don’t fall in love with the tiger, but I still adventured it. Even though The Channel separates us.

When I was a secretary in an information technology corporation. One day, the manager went back and Jack came DG replaced him. Before Jack came, we knew each other because we keep track in work. Once in a while we also were chatting out of work. Such as the weather, the manners in mainland China. According to the ways about solving problems, I consider that he is a mature, staid man. He also told me he looks like Zhao Chuan.

When Jack arrived DG, He is more maturely than I think. Especially his ice-cold face, it can keep people a thousand miles away. He came in the bright office and says nothing. It let someone disappeared his arrogance.

He sent messages to me in the evening, asked me how I protect my derma, And then he can teach his mother. So I was moved by his piety. Maybe it took me accepted him finally.

One morning Jack went on an errand, I came in office as usual, start my computer and read e-mail. There is an e-mail sent from Jack one hour ago, He arranged my work properly, and left his new mobile number. At the same time, He called me.

At that time, I was preparing for PETS; He checks the exercises every evening. We are traveling around GD every weekend, the remains of gun in HuMen, The park in Chang’An, The BaiYun Mountain in Guangzhou. The photo recorded which scenic spots we have been to. Jack used his digital camera photo me, and bought a hard disk to save. I enjoyed his smiles that he only towards me. I can’t balance him with the ice-cold face all the time.

One weekend, Jack had a pain in his eyes. I suggested our going to the park on Sunday (the next day) without camera. Jack said it will be regret.

“But we will have enough time later, the key is that your eyes must have a rest”. 

Jack persists in: “If my eyes turn better tomorrow, I’ll take it”.

I nodded, “Even though take it; you’d better photo less than usual”.

Finally he took it and photo me as much as usual.

One evening, a local man making an appointment with him, Jack thought that maybe the man want to treat him for supper, and then he found the man want to introduce him for massage. So Jack claimed there is plenty of work to do and came back. Jack said he prefer come back and see me.

On the Moon Festival, a colleague who just resigned his work and treat Jack for supper, Jack asking for me waiting him, but they came back so later, The next day, Jack said sorry to me, He won’t attend anybody’s dinner, and he won’t let me feel wronged. I said it’s really nothing.

The BaiYun Mountain recorded our footprints in the rain; it was the next day after my examination. Jack scheduled suitable. Although heaven isn’t cooperative, it can’t prevent our travel. What a poor physique, even an old couple won me. I am afraid of cable car, then Jack told me if I don’t docilely, he will bring me take cable car.

While we got to the top, I didn’t feel joyful, replaced sad with it, I wish there is no destination so we can walking all the time. The sixth sense told me, Jack will leave me, maybe after we climb down.

I remember when we first travel, I took an umbrella and it was raining in the afternoon, Jack slipped and fell over. (When he asked me for facial tissues cleaning glasses, I told him without it, after that, he preparing all things for our traveling.) I still remember he bought me a pair of sports shoes without socks.

I also remember when he leads by my hands, I set my mind at ease; When he hugs me behind me, I feel abruptly; When he takes my head on his shoulder, such peremptory; When he kiss me, how bashful…His face turned red, and there was sweat on his forehead. I saw Jack--the man who older than me five years felt embarrassed. It must be why I was falling in love with him.

An ordeal

Following Jack’s home leave coming, the yearly journey organized. We were traveling except Jack; I want to know if it is an ordeal for us rebelled against our political party? But we have an appointment: we will go to The Windows of The World when Jack return. I chosen a suspended, white, heart watch, as a remembrance send to Jack. I wish our love just as this hung watch, glittering under sunshine. It paid him an unexpected for receiving my presents, he said he don’t know I am concerned about him. But behind touch, I caught the anxiety in his eyes. On the sofa, he kissed me. I nestled up to him and say nothing. That day, when he saw me off at the door, the camera lens he asks for everyday (no, it will with sounds and another side of face…) disappeared. I knew the presage become true. Several days later, the day is my birthday, before this, I don’t know my solar birthday, Jack checked for me. So it is impossible for him forget it, when at twelve, I sent message for him actively. Although said goodbye in that day will sadly, but I must face it, just as expected, there is a hard choose for Jack, loving is prohibited in our company. The president let him decide between position and me. “A man ought with have enterprise, it’s why I admire you…” I knocked it hardly, but I was unable to press the “enter”. At the same time, Jack said we will apart from each other temporary, earning money, then planning to marriage. Without promise, because things are variables. And he didn’t let me leave the company. Perhaps we were used to work with concerned.

I always remember that night; turn off the lights, out of office, while I arrived at the door, turn my head and I saw Jack standing near the other side of the door. I can’t saw clearly the expression in his eyes. I knew I mustn’t stay anymore, then turned around and running out of office, Tears cover my face…

I wrote a letter with six pages, I was thankful him for bring me cheerful. It’s the most happy in my life. I will feel easy in mind if the lover happiness later.

The president seems feel worried about us, a transfer order transferred me to another department.

I refused to meet somebody arranged by the relatives during the Spring Festival. I mustn’t let Jack sad, I mustn’t let myself miserable, no one can over Jack, and I don’t think this is the ending of our love. I inlay the photo into wallet. I will look at him everyday, looking forward to the foreground of happiness. Is it reasonable? 

Just as a capital prisoner pronounced not guilty while I received the lover’s signal 

After Spring Festival, 2003, the first workday, I received messages Jack send,

“I haven’t seen your smile for a long time, how are your recently?”

“Fine, thank you.”

“I let you feel wronged…”

“Never mind.”

It’s vanished into thin air by lover’s apology. Until now, I was smiling.

Jack bought me a jade from GuangZhou, he afraid me refuse him, he kept it in my desk drawer. Allegedly, jade bless safe and well, I was 24 years old in 2003, and Jack let me wear it all the time.

One evening as usual, Jack called me; he asked me if I will resign, after I said “no”, he was excited as a child.

“I know you won’t give up me.” He said.

When he saw me off the door, Jack whispered to the sight of my back: “I want to hug you…” I said nothing, even the heaven knew how hard to strode the door.

There were tears in my eyes when Jack took me in his arms; the countless scenes in the dream became true. I was so wrapped up in his breath that I haven’t breathed for a long time. I told him I refused meet somebody arranged by the relatives during the Spring Festival, money isn’t the terrific, I don’t short on money, I would like emotions, it doesn’t replaced with money. Jack had a pleasure and believes firmly his choose, that’s why he wants to take care of me.

Jack asked me how about my cooking, when he can eating my dish another, I told him I had a self-criticism for last cook, “but it’s just good, do you remember I ate it over?” he said without blame.

We made a planning for our future, we are going to the HuangShan during The International Labor Day (and Jack’s another home leave coming), but, if the heaven envy us or make another ordeal? SARS raided the earth, Jack’s holiday had deferred indefinite period. We must stay at home; Jack said he will died in a place far from home.

I comforted him: “It’s impossible, our entire colleagues are been in South from their hometown, and we didn’t worry. More over, I keep with you.”

“Are you regretting coming China?” I asked again.

“No, I’ll regret if I couldn’t marry you.”

I gave Jack a leather girdle as birthday present. Jack asked me if he can wear it tomorrow.

“Of course you can, that’s my motive.”

“I wouldn’t run away without tie.”

Jack advised we’d better don’t working in a same company, First: avoided the president questions us; Second, we can have a reunion on weekend.

That moment I found it’s so difficult to leave him, if he advised me leave when his first choose (ordered by president). Maybe I did it, but now I couldn’t leave him, Jack didn’t force me. But we must love carefully.

On the end of July, Jack will return head office for 3 months study. He told me work hard and study hard.

I love you, it’s not too long, only all my life

I had a communication by telephone with my mother-in-law in future, I was nervous in the beginning, but it’s disappeared while the old mother speaking kindly. She asked me when I am free and goes home together with Jack, I was so sweet, as when I was a child, and mother gave me candy. I saw the sky is more brightly than before, flowers more beautiful than before. I was looking forward to Jack’s return. And kept my hair long he claimed.

On the end of October, Jack returned.

One day he said to me: “There should a man taking care of you.”

“No, Jack, I won’t accept anybody except you!”

“You’d better looking for a local, it’s better than go overseas.”

“No, No, I don’t!” I shouted with tears.

“You should docilely, in order to you and me, we couldn’t continue. As factors of social and political, I couldn’t marry you. We must face the reality.”

I wrote another letter, told Jack I love him, it’s not too long, only all my life. I also told him, however whom you will meet, if you love her, take her as your wife.

We’re just as the sun and the moon, superseding at daybreak and nightfall…

Our loving lasted 4 years, until 2005, Jack came back his country and I changed a new work. The jade pendants on a girdle with me 2 years (Jack gave me) lost; it dropped into the toilet in the morning. Together with my ice-cold heart…We left the company on the same date.

I chose a work that needs business trip everyday, so it can adjust my mood.

Half past a year, it’s a Friday evening, I finished my work and came back from ShenZhen, when I online, Jack online too. He proposed to me, and asking for my new mobile number. Because he always online waiting for me. And he has never seen me online.

He told me his mother allowed his claim, the premise is: I must follow him to live in overseas, and I must do housework such as cooking, washing and cleaning. If I accept it, the wedding will take place as soon as possible.

But now, I hesitate, the housework does never mind. The key is that I will have to give up my job.

I dreamed an extraordinary dream that night.

I dreamed: Jack and I are traveling by bicycle. But I haven’t seat myself, Jack have ridden 200 meters already. “Jack! Jack!” I cried aloud. Jack turned his head looked for me.

When I woke up, there was sweat on my forehead. I worried about that whether Jack can walk hand in hand with me all our life.

There is always one thing to conquer another--You’re my fatal acupuncture point…

One and a half year later…During the National Day in 2006, Jack came China to see me, and gave me a jade bracelet. And told me the diamond ring will belong to me next time, together with the perfume. Jack pulled me climbing The HuangQi Mountain, just as 4 years ago. The only difference is I had no sweating.

It’s the first time I saw Jack off, Jack let me go back before the bus starting. He knows I will be disappointed after the bus leave for HK.

We are doing the detailed plan for the wedding; we will end the 5 year’s waiting. The round-trip flights have booked. I’m looking forward to become his bride. We are chatting on net later and later. We both had a backache. Jack gives me a morning call and I give him a night call every day.

The Wednesday night, Jack didn’t online. I felt something wrong; The Thursday morning Jack gave me a morning call as usual, I regretted I hadn’t answer the call. When I dialed the night call that night, the number was suspended. I dialed his home direct; mother-in-law prevented me to communicate with Jack. There’s two months to the wedding day…

译文

今生，我只能与你的相片结婚

如果有来生，我还想遇见你；如果真的有来生，我想做你的女儿，这样我们就有了一辈子都不分开的理由。

杰克和露丝就像在黎明和傍晚时交替的日月，无法交汇。

一、那张冰冷的脸，如何温暖了我的心

许多人说: 不要和老虎恋爱，但我们仍然冒险尝试。尽管海峡隔开了我们。

那时，我是一个IT公司的秘书。有一天, 经理回去了, 杰克来 DG 接替了他。杰克来之前, 我们就因工作关系而彼此相识。偶尔，我们也闲聊一些工作以外的事情，比如天气, 中国大陆的礼仪。从他的处事方式来看，我认为他是一个成熟稳重的人。他还告诉我他长得像赵传。

杰克到达 DG 时, 他比我想象的更为成熟。尤其是他冰冷的脸, 能拒人千里之外。他来到明亮的办公室, 什么也没说。这使很多人的嚣张得以收敛。

他晚上给我发信息, 问我是如何保养的, 这样他可以教他的母亲。我被他的孝心感动了，或许因此我最终接受了他。

一天早上, 杰克去办事，我像往常一样来到办公室, 打开我的电脑阅读电子邮件。有一封一小时前杰克发来的电子邮件, 他安排好了我的工作, 留下了他的新手机号码。与此同时， 我接到了他的电话。

那时, 我正在准备英语等级考试，他每天晚上检查我的学习情况。我们每个周末都在 GD 旅行, 在虎门炮台遗址，在长安公园，在广州的白云山。照片记录了我们去过的所有景点。杰克用他的数码相机给我拍照, 并买了一个硬盘来保存。我喜欢他仅仅对我才会露出的微笑。很多时候我无法将它与那张冰冷的脸匹配。

一个周末, 杰克的眼睛痛。我建议我们在星期日 (第二天) 去公园不带相机了。杰克说那样他会觉得遗憾的。

“但是我们以后会有足够的时间的,现在的关键是，你的眼睛必须休息。”

杰克坚持说: “如果我的眼睛明天好转, 我还会带着相机。”

我点点头, “即使带着相机，也要比平时少拍一些照片。”

最后, 他还是拿着相机, 像往常一样给我照相。 一天晚上, 一个当地的男人约杰克, 杰克以为那个男人只是招待他吃晚饭, 结果发现那人想介绍他做按摩。于是杰克说还有很多工作要做, 提前回来了。杰克说他更想回来见我。

中秋节, 一个离职的同事约杰克吃晚饭, 杰克让我等他, 结果他们回来的很晚。第二天, 杰克向我道歉, 说他不会再参加任何人的聚会, 他不会让我感到委屈。我跟他说，真的没什么。

白云山记录了我们雨中的足迹。在我考试后的第二天，杰克的计划安排得很合适，虽然天公不作美， 但它不能阻止我们的旅行。多么弱的体质，连一对头发花白的老夫妻都爬超越了我。我害怕坐缆车, 杰克告诉我, 如果我不乖，他就带我乘缆车。

当我们到达顶峰时, 我并不感到快乐, 取而代之的是悲伤, 我希望没有目的地, 这样我们就可以一直走下去。第六感告诉我, 杰克会离开我, 或许就在下山之后。

我记得我们第一次旅行的时候, 我带了一把雨伞, 下午下雨了。杰克滑了一跤, 摔倒了。(当他向我要面巾纸清洁眼镜时, 我告诉他没有, 在那之后, 他每次都为我们的旅行准备所有的东西）。我还记得他给我买了一双没配袜子的运动鞋。

我还记得, 当他牵着我的手时，我很安心;当他在从身后抱着我时，我很意外;当他把我的头强行按到他的肩膀时, 他是如此霸道;当他吻我时, 又是多么害羞……他的脸红了, 额头上有汗。我看到杰克--这个比我大五岁的男人的窘态。这一定是我爱上他的原因。

二、考验

杰克休假时，一年一度的旅行组织起来了。我想知道这是否是对我们的一个考验？但是我们有个约定: 杰克回来时, 我们要去世界之窗。我选了一个悬挂式的白色心型手表, 作为纪念品送给杰克。我希望我们的爱就像这只挂表, 在阳光下闪闪发亮。他收到我的礼物时感到很意外, 他说不知道我这么关心他。但在他触摸手表时, 我捕捉到了他眼中的焦虑。在沙发上, 他吻了我。我依偎着他, 什么也没说。那天, 当他送我到门口的时候, 每天索取的固定镜头（不, 要有响声的，还有右边...）消失了。我知道预言成真了。几天以后, 是我的生日, 在这之前, 我不知道我的阳历生日, 杰克为我查询的。所以他是不可能忘记的，十二点时，我主动给他发了消息。虽然在那天说再见是很难过的, 但我必须面对它, 正如预期的,这对于杰克也是一个艰难的选择, 被外派的干部是禁止在公司内部谈恋爱的（而这，他之前并没有告诉我）。董事长让他在工作岗位和我之间做出选择。男人应该以事业为重, 这就是我为什么欣赏你……我艰难地敲出这些字, 却无法按下回车键。与此同时, 杰克说我们暂时彼此分开，挣钱，然后计划结婚。没有承诺, 因为世事是会变化的。他没有让我离开公司，也许我们习惯了一起工作。

我一直记得那晚，我关灯, 走出屋子, 到门口时, 转过头, 我看到杰克站在门的另一侧。我看不清他眼中的表情。我知道我不能再留, 转身跑出门外, 泪流满面……

我写了一封六页的信, 感谢他带给我的快乐。这是我一生中最快乐的时光。只要爱人以后能幸福，我也就满足了。

董事长似乎对我们不放心, 一纸调令将我调到另一个部门。

春节期间, 我拒绝参加亲戚安排的任何相亲。我不能让杰克伤心, 也不能让自己痛苦, 没有人能超过杰克, 我不认为我们的爱已经结束。我把杰克的相片放在钱包里，我会每天看着他, 期待幸福的前景。这合乎情理吗？

三、收到爱人的讯息时，我像一个死刑犯突然被宣判无罪

2003年春节后的第一个工作日, 我收到杰克发的消息。

“已经很长时间没有看到你的笑容了, 最近怎么样？”

“很好, 谢谢！”

“让你受委屈了…… ”

“没关系。”

所有的委屈顷刻间在爱人的道歉中烟消云散。直到现在，我才露出了久违的笑容。

杰克从广州给我带了一块玉佩, 怕我拒绝, 把它放在我的抽屉里。据说, 玉可以保平安, 那年是我的本命年，杰克让我戴着它。

平平常常的一个晚上, 杰克打电话给我，问我是否会辞职, 在我说“不”之后, 他像孩子一样兴奋。

“我知道你不会丢下我”他说。

送我到门口时, 杰克小声地对着我的背影说: “我想抱你……”我什么也没说，天知道迈出大门的脚步是多么艰难。

当杰克把我抱在怀里时, 我的眼里蓄满泪水，梦中出现无数次的场景变成了现实。我沉浸在他的气息里, 以至于我似乎很长一段时间忘了呼吸。我告诉他, 我拒绝了春节期间亲戚安排的相亲，钱不是最重要， 我不缺钱，我想要的是感情，那是钱不能取代的。杰克很高兴， 他坚信自己的选择，那就是他想照顾我的原因。

杰克问我厨艺有没长进，什么时候能再吃到我做的饭。我告诉他我已对上次的厨艺做了检讨。“但是我觉得很好啊，你还记得我把它都吃掉了吗？” 他说道，没有任何批评。

我们为未来做了规划, 计划在五一国际劳动节（杰克的下一个探亲假）去黄山。不知是上天嫉妒我们的幸福？亦或是对我们做出的另一个考验？SARS 袭卷全球, 杰克的假期被无限期推迟。我们只能待在家里。杰克说担心会客死他乡。 我安慰他: “不会的。我们这么多同事都背景离乡, 我们并不担心。还有，我会和你在一起。”

“你后悔来中国吗？”我又问。

“不，如果不能和你结婚，我才会后悔。”

我送给杰克一条皮带作为生日礼物。杰克问我，能否明天就系上它。

“当然可以, 这就是我希望的。”

“没有束缚，我也不会跑掉。”

杰克建议我们最好不要在同一家公司工作, 首先: 避免董事长的质疑；第二, 我们可以在周末团聚。 那一刻, 我发现很难离开他，如果他在第一次遇到难题时就做出这个决定，或许我已经支持并执行。杰克并没有强迫我，只是我们必须小心翼翼。

7月底，杰克将返回总公司进行为期三个月的培训。他让我努力工作，好好学习。

四、我爱你，它不长，就一生

我和未来的婆婆通了电话，一开始我有些紧张，当听到老母亲和善的声音时，我的紧张感消失了。她问我什么时候有空, 和杰克一起回家。我是如此地甜蜜, 就像小时候妈妈给了我糖果一样。看天空更明亮，花儿更美丽。我期待着杰克的归来，并按照他的要求留起了长发。

10月底, 杰克回来了。

有一天, 他对我说: “该有个人照顾你了。”

“不， 杰克， 除了你，我谁都不要！”

“找个本地人， 比出国好。”

“不，我不!”我哭着喊道。

“听话， 为了你和我， 我们不能再继续了。因为政治因素, 我不能娶你。我们必须面对现实。”

我写了另一封信, 告诉杰克我爱他， 它不长， 就一生。我还告诉他， 不管以后你遇到谁， 如果你爱她， 就把她娶回家。

五、我和你就像在黎明和傍晚时交替的日月，无法交汇

我们的爱情持续了四年。四年后，杰克回国。我换了一份新工作。那块跟了我两年的玉佩，掉得很彻底。在我们离开公司的那一天清晨，掉进了厕所。连同我冰冷的心……

我选择了需要每天出差的工作, 以调整自己的心情。

半年过去了。 一个星期五的晚上，我完成一天的工作，从深圳归来。当我上线时，杰克也在线。他向我求婚，问我新的手机号码。原来他一直在线上等我，却从来没有见过我上线。 他告诉我，他的母亲同意他的请求，前提是: 我必须跟随他居住在海外，而且我必须做家务例如烹调、洗涤和清洁。如果我接受, 婚礼将尽快举行。此时，我犹豫了: 我并不介意家务，关键是我要放弃现在的工作。那晚，我做了一个特别的梦。

我梦见: 杰克和我骑自行车旅行。我还没有上车，杰克已经骑了200米。“杰克！杰克！”我大声呼喊。杰克才转过头来看我，很陌生。

当我醒来时，满头大汗。我担心杰克能否和我携手一生。

六、 一物降一物——你就是我的死穴

时隔一年半。国庆节，杰克来中国看我。送我一只玉镯。并告诉我，下次将会准备钻戒和香水。杰克拉着我爬上了黄旗山，一如四年前爬白云山。唯一的区别是我没有再流汗。

这是第一次为杰克送行。巴士启动前，杰克就让我回去。他知道我不喜欢送别，目睹香港的巴士离开，我会很失落。

我们在为婚礼做详细的规划；我们将结束五年的等待。往返航班已预定。我期待着成为他的新娘。在这之前，我们一直保持线上联络。以至于都患上了腰背酸痛。杰克每天给我一个起床电话，而我则每天给他一个晚安电话。

星期三晚上，杰克没有在线。我隐隐觉得不安；星期四早上，杰克像往常一样给我打了起床电话，并告诉我他很早就出门，在排队等待办理业务，担心会忘记叫我起床。当我再次拨打晚安电话时，失联……我拨通了他家的电话，未来婆婆阻止我和杰克交往。距离结婚的日子还有两个月……

作者：日月

若我会见到你

许来日方长

有几人来往

如果你也是只刺猬

请拥抱我

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